A hard path

I was never under any illusions that this journey with fertility treatment would be an easy road. However, recently I have realised how easy it could be to let the struggle harden my heart. Every time a friend announces a pregnancy or has a baby I can feel myself developing even more of a shell, my heart hardens. Even each month as my cycle starts and I have to face another month of disappointment hardens me up a little. It's a mechanism of self preservation really. It has struck me though that I don't have to live with this hardened heart. Each time I face a bump in the road of infertility I have a choice to make. I can choose to remain hard and protect myself or I can choose to feel the pain and trust God to protect me. I'm not saying I make the right choice every time but there is grace and forgiveness and I don't have to remain so hardened. Inevitably this process is going to change me, I just pray I change for the better.

Father's Day?

(Guest post by Neil)


Last year I received a Father’s Day card. That’s pretty remarkable, considering I’m not yet a father. It came via one of those websites that do personalised cards, and the front of it read “Neil will be an amazing Dad”. Of course it was from my wonderful wife (who also got me some rather nice beer). I still keep the card on my bedside table. Let me tell you the story behind it.
I had always assumed that I would have children one day, but it always seemed something for the distant future - I hadn’t really thought about what it would actually mean when it happened. As I got older and still hadn’t found “the one”, the idea of fatherhood faded into the background. After all, the older I was when I got married, presumably the older my wife would be, and the less likely we would be able to have children. In time I pretty much came to accept that I would never be a father, and concentrated on finding the person I would spend the rest of my life with.
God has a habit of doing the unexpected – I certainly never expected to marry  a woman 11 years younger than myself. Cara was still well within the normal age range for having a first child, and motherhood was unquestionably on her agenda. Frankly, this scared me; I could easily see her as a mother, but now it was a real possibility, I found it difficult to see myself as a father. After all, parenthood means taking full responsibility for another person’s life. How could I possibly manage that? We had several chats on the subject, and Cara assured me that everyone feels that way until the time comes. If I’m honest, I wasn’t very reassured.
Two years into our marriage we decided it was time to try. Cara has written elsewhere about the issues we have faced and are still facing, so I won’t repeat them here, but let’s just say it has been very difficult and we’re not at the end of the road yet. But a major turning point for me came last May at a Christian event called the Catalyst Festival. We had been to a seminar on adoption, and were both beginning to think that God might be taking us in that direction, when I received some prayer at one of the evening meetings. The person who prayed for me did not know me or anything about our situation. After asking me whether I was married and whether we had kids, he told me that God was saying I would be a father. He didn’t specify when, or indeed how – whether by natural birth, adoption, or perhaps in a less literal sense. But for the first time, I knew that fatherhood was part of God’s plan for me. And if it’s his plan, then he’ll equip me for the task.
Don’t get me wrong – the thought still scares me silly. But then God often asks us to do scary things. The difference is one of faith: now I’m more sure that it is his will, I have confidence that he is equipping me for the task – I know, as the card says, that I’ll be a fantastic Dad, because the greatest Dad of all will be with me. I can’t honestly say I have the same inbuilt desire to be a parent as Cara – I’m not sure any man does. But now, as we go through all the trials of infertility, IVF and possibly adoption, I’m not merely supporting Cara so that she can have her heart’s desire. I’m also pursuing my own destiny, and while I’m still scared, I also have peace. And I think, if you’re doing it right, that’s exactly what being a Christian is meant to be like.

Mother's day

I have spent mother's day doing a long day at work so have been playing with, cooking and cleaning for and generally looking after the guys here. Oh how my heart aches for the day when I can do those things for my own children. Will I ever receive a mother's day card from my own child? Mother's day during infertility is an interesting thing. On the one hand it's a painful reminder of what I long for but don't seem able to have. On the other hand it's a day to be thankful for the gift of motherhood and my own mother and others who have 'mothered' me over the years. It's also a time to give thanks for the children I will have. As the name of this blog reflects I know I am made to nurture and I have many opportunities to do that in this job. I am thankful for that outlet but it hurts that I cannot yet nurture my own children. So as I reflect on this mother's day I am thankful for mother's but sad that I am not one yet.
Happy mother's day everyone!

Being thankful

I know I've already posted here about thankfulness but it was baby thanksgivings at church this morning and the sermon was about being grateful. I spent most of the service in tears wondering when our turn to stand at the front and celebrate and give thanks for our children. I hate how this infertility struggle makes me so jealous! It's so hard to be thankful with others when my own pain is so present. But I went and I did thank God for those children. I realised actually that in all the pain I have become blind to the many gifts God has already given us! So here is a list:
We both have jobs that allow us to live and have treats.
We are now living in a much better flat and had lots of help to move.
Both our works are very understanding and accommodating with appointments etc.
We are both in good health (apart from the infertility!)
We have an amazingly supportive network of church friends.
We have received amazing support from other friends and our families.
We have people to have fun with and laugh with.
I have a great kitchen I can bake in!
I have just become a volunteer baker for a group that make cakes for kids so get to bake and decorate more cakes!
I have several relaxing hobbies I can choose from to help me chill out!
I can access a support network of fellow travelers on the road of infertility through the internet.
I have an amazing husband who loves me through all the trials even when I'm horrid to him!
I'm sure there's more but that will do for now. I am off course grateful for this blog and for the many people who pray for us off the back of what I write.

Trust verses understanding

"Trust the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 I came across this verse this week and it seemed to fit our situation just now. This was also the week when I discovered and became part of a large online community of women with similar diagnoses to mine. While it's great being able to talk to others going through the same things it has made me realise I understand much less than I thought about the genetic issue I have. I don't mind not really understanding but it underlines how much I need to trust God! If I was to lean on my own understanding I would fall down quickly and get hurt as there's nothing to lean on! So the only option left is to trust God!

The wrong sort of happy news

People keep telling me how great it is that we are going ahead with IVF, that we've made a decision, that we get three cycles. They keep saying how relieved and excited we must feel with our 'happy news'. However when it comes down to it I don't feel those things. Most of the time I just feel scared. And then I feel guilty for not being as happy as people seem to think I should be. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not regretting the decision. I'm still certain IVF is God's plan for us at this time. I still have peace about the decision we made. I'm very grateful to God that the appointment went so well and that we get three cycles. But I can't make myself feel happy about the fact that my journey to being pregnant is going to involve daily hormone injections, a general anaesthetic and an agonising 2 week wait for a positive pregnancy test. Possibly times three. At the end of the day it's the wrong type of 'happy news'. All through this whole struggle I have imagined myself telling my friends and family that I am pregnant and that that pregnancy has gone far enough for us to know it will result in a baby. So although impending IVF is an exciting and hope filled step towards this news it is not the happy news I want to be giving. And although I do now have tangible hope I still don't know for sure that I will ever be able to give that happy news.
I pray that my words here do not cause offence. I am very grateful for all the support I have received from friends and family. I write this blog as a way of processing my thoughts.