Last Sunday we spent the morning cheering on runners in the local half marathon. They had their names written on their numbers so we shouted out their names and have encouragement to individuals. People would hear their names and turn and thank us. At times our calling people by name made struggling walkers start running again. It made me realise that our infertility and miscarriage journey is like a race. Our friends and family have been great at cheering us on and giving us individual encouragement. However, lately I've felt like we've been running along a patch with no supporters. No one cheering us on, no one encouraging us by name. I think it's partly because nothing is really happening just now and I'm getting impatient. Also partly because I've not been able to get to church for six weeks and the midweek groups are on a break. Life has been super busy and we have been physically alone for a few weeks. We did have a lovely week in Edinburgh and were reminded of support from afar by old friends. I know we're supported, I've just not been feeling it lately.
Anyway, cheering on the runners and seeing them encouraged reminded me we're not alone. I was further reminded of this truth at church that afternoon (due to the half marathon). A word was brought about Jesus being alone in his suffering on the cross which led to an opportunity to pray for people feeling alone in suffering. I raised my hand in response without even realising what I'm doing. I was having a hard time in church. The feeling of being alone was weighing very heavy and tears were already rolling down my cheeks. We were prayed for by friend and people around us and I had a real tangible reminder that we were not alone. It was a special moment.
I'd love to say that during that prayer time the heaviness lifted and I have no longer felt alone. I did feel wonderfully supported and loved but I've had a hard time shaking the feeling of being alone all week. I'm really struggling emotionally at the moment and I don't know why. I burst into tears at the smallest thing, often at work, and feel like I've got no soft edges at the moment. I feel like a horrible person and it's hard to pray. All this is exasperating the feelings of being alone as I feel like I'm not worth people spending time with me. Work is quite stressful at the moment which doesn't help. I know I'm not a horrid person but am going through a tough patch just now. I do no we're not alone. We have the support of friends, family and God, I just need to believe it!
