We lost a baby

Before I start writing this post I want to say something to those of you reading this who have suffered miscarriage or infant loss. This post is a voice for my pain in the wake of our failed frozen embryo transfer. I pray that you don't feel I am minimising the pain of losing a baby. I know I've lost an embryo not an actual baby but it still hurts, this is an outlet for that pain.

We lost a baby. Ok so it didn't have a face, name, personality or even a heartbeat. But just over a month ago a tiny blob of cells that shared mine and hubby's DNA was shot down a catheter into my womb. We watched on the ultrasound screen as a small white flash appeared on the scan of my uterus. There then followed a week and a half of relaxation and feeling twinges and little feelings of sickness. During that time we both really started to believe it had worked. We started talking to the blob and making plans for the future, we even worked out the due date. 11 days after the white flash on the screen, we found ourselves staring at a negative pregnancy test in my parents' bathroom. We were crushed. I then had to break the news to my parents and hubby to his. It felt awful having to tell them they weren't going to be grandparents yet. Due to a very delayed period I ended up taking 5 more tests and had to have a blood pregnancy test over the following couple of weeks. They were all negative. Each negative test chipped another bit of hope off my soul. We are currently just a week away from trying again with another of our frozen embryos which helps give hope that our dreams of parenthood will be realised. But it's important to grieve the baby we've lost. We've actually lost 3 of the original 8 embryos that were created as 2 of them came back from the genetic tests as abnormal. I have grieved for those 2 but at the end of the day if they had gone into my womb I would have lost them in miscarriage. With this transfer I had life in my uterus even if only for a few days. That blob of cells had all the genetic information to create a baby that was biologically mine and Neil's. That blob had the potential to grow into our son or daughter. With all those negative pregnancy tests that potential child died. We lost a baby.