Merry Christmas baby

It's Christmas time again,
And you're still not here.
This is, after all,
The most child focused time of year.
Last Christmas time
you were in my tummy,
It's so hard to believe
I'm still not Mummy!
You're bauble hangs
with your 4 siblings' baubles  on our tree
Will we ever have a Christmas
With our babies, your Daddy and me?
I'm hopeful for 2017
This may finally be the year
When, whether mummy or not,
I learn to love with peace here.

My review of the year

2016 has, in many ways been a year I'd rather forget. I started it pregnant and am finishing it childless with 2 miscarriages under my belt. But lots of good things have happened this year too. It's easy to forget the good stuff, the blessings, the happy times when there's been so much pain, loss and heartache in our year.

So, for my review of 2016 I've decided to leave out the sadness; it's all documented here anyway. When I have time I'll write a post about what God has taught me through all this suffering and what He's still teaching me. For now though, I'm going to attempt to remember one good thing, one thing to be thankful for for each month of 2016.

January: Not exactly a good thing but we were overwhelmed with love and support from friends and family when going through the missed miscarriage and surgery. This was also the month we went on a retreat day for Christian couples facing infertility and broadened our support network, an invaluable day.

February: I had a relaxing week off work to get over everything. I got to spend some time with my sister who I hadn't seen for around 18 months.

March: We had a brilliant holiday in Edinburgh catching up with old friends and reconnecting as a couple. Neil also started his new job at the end of the month meaning he could get back to doing statistics-y things which he loves and the extra money was very helpful!

April: We had a really lovely day out in London to celebrate Neil's birthday. We went to a fabulous bookshop so he was happy!

May: I ran a 10k race raising £500 for infertility network UK! Cried my way round and the time was rubbish but I did it! May ended with our annual camping trip at our church's festival where we both had a refreshing and spiritually fulfilling time.

June: I started medication for my third attempt at a frozen embryo transfer. At the time this was a positive and exciting as we were hopeful we would be luckier this time. Another positive is I coped much better with side effects this time.

July: I celebrated my birthday with a week off work and some trips out to local attractions as well as some time with Neil's parents. We had the embryo transfer this month too.

August: Sadly this was the month we had our second loss, much earlier this time, didn't even make it to scan. I'm thankful I didn't have to go through all the physical stuff again.

September: We went to a party celebrating my aunt and uncle's golden wedding anniversary. It was a lovely family time. Neil also got a promotion at work at the end of the month.

October: We had a really great little holiday on the isle of Wight, last minute thing but just what we both needed!

November: I started a new job! For the first time since 2007 I have a Monday to Friday 9-5 job.

December: We were able to have lots  of lovely time with our families and each other celebrating Christmas.