Today, and everyday at the moment, is pancake Day for me. Yes I know I'm a few months late for shrove Tuesday! But my overwhelming feeling just now is numbness. I feel flat as a pancake!
I've been trying to work out why. After last year's trauma with the adoption falling apart and dealing with that we decided we'd have a year of really trying hard to get pregnant naturally. And I mean trying hard! Today is the first of June and I have taken 5 pregnancy tests this year so far. They have all been negative. And what's more the last two months my cycle has been over a week late and in that week of maybe I've had early pregnancy symptoms. This is a cruel journey. This really is our last attempt to have a family, we've tried everything else. I think the flatness comes from knowing we're pretty much half way through the year and no closer to having a baby. Each negative test chips another bit of my heart away.
In addition I'm in a very stressful season at work and don't know when it will ease. Everyday I feel frazzled and like I'm drowning in everything that's going on. I don't really know how to stay afloat. I am trying to prioritize self care but it's a really difficult season. This doesn't help.
All this stress had taken it's toll. We are in a season of having to work hard at our marriage. We're doing ok but with me constantly stressed everything is hard work. And my relationship with God is in a similar state. I try but I'm finding it hard to believe in a good God who wants only good things for me. I know that is the truth but when your daily reality is difficulty and stress it's hard to translate knowledge into belief.
So I am feeling flat as a pancake.
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