Free fall

Even when I don't feel it, you're working.

Oh how I want to believe that right now. I want to believe that God is for me, that He loves me and is good & wants only good things for me. I want to believe He cares. I want to believe He is working. I am trying, and some of the time I am managing to feel close enough to God to feel the comfort only he can give. But the majority of the time I feel like my life, mental health and faith are in free fall. I am falling faster and faster, getting more and more out of control and I have no idea how to stop or deploy my parachute to slow my fall. All I'm aware of is the rapidly approaching concrete and I don't know how to not crack my head open on it.

Life

The most obvious reason I feel like my life is in free fall is the fact that I lost a baby 8 weeks ago. Neil and I and many others had prayed for that baby for over 7 years. After having IVF 4 years ago and losing 8 embryos (including 2 miscarriages), I always thought if I got pregnant naturally that'd be the baby to stay. Maybe that is why this miscarriage is hitting me much harder than the other 2. Maybe it's because we had a scan at 8 weeks where we saw our baby alive and heard their heartbeat. Maybe it's because I made it to 12 weeks this time which is further than I'd ever gotten before. Whatever the reason I am really struggling and feeling quite alone in my grief. Even 8 weeks on I am feeling the loss of our sweet baby as if it happened yesterday. The fact that it was actually 8 weeks ago makes that really hard because, quite rightly, people aren't expecting me to be experiencing such raw pangs of grief as I am. I realised today that when people choose to leave me to process my grief and not offer a hug or a kind word (which may sometimes be the right thing to do), it awakens all sorts of feelings of abandonment and inferiority I thought I had dealt with, making things much harder in my mind.

It's not just the loss of our precious baby contributing to my feeling of free fall. 2 days after I returned to work following my miscarriage I found out that the charity I work for is having a nationwide restructure in which my job role is being eliminated. I have been mapped to a step up role with more responsibility and back to shift work. I have also become, somewhat unwillingly, the staff representative responsible for attending meetings and conveying, often difficult to hear, messages from national office to my local staff team. All of this is happening in quite a tight time frame so it's all a bit overwhelming. The new role is definitely something I can do and do well but not while I'm not in my right mind. The added pressure to make decisions quickly and explain things to everyone else is just making me feel like I am accelerating towards the concrete. I have taken some control in this matter and have saught advise from trusted friends and tried to outsource my decision making (as far as possible). I have now applied for the role (as the deadline was Friday) & got my application proof read. I had to choose between applying for the step up role, resigning or stepping down in role. I am struggling to make even the simplest choices at the moment as I feel like my mind is encased in treacle, so this decision was hard! I decided in the end the best thing to do was to apply by the deadline and then make the final decision later. I don't have to take the job necessarily.

Baby loss, work stress and difficult decisions are still not everything I have going on in my life. Both my parents are dealing with health issues which plays on my mind. I'm not going to share details here as it's not my news to share but it has an impact on my free fall! They are doing ok and my worries on that front have been eased a lot recently but it would be wrong to not include it in this account.

Mental health

I have realised in the past couple of weeks that the problems I am experiencing have now crossed over from simply dealing with grief and stress into clinical depression. I have had depression in the past and I feel deeper in this time. My thought life is murky to say the least. I won't share details here as I know it can be hard for people who love me to read things like that. Suffice to say, for the sake of my life, I need to do something to improve this situation. I have referred myself to a counseling service, although my assessment appointment is not till April. I have made some changes which have helped me in the past and given myself 10 days to implement these changes before reassessing whether I need to go to my GP to get back on my antidepressants. I have upped my exercise level and am trying to eat more healthy food (although I'm aware that's not easy to do whilst grieving). I want to feel better. I want to feel human again.

Faith

This miscarriage, and everything else I've got going on, has rocked my faith in God like never before. It's a really odd situation as I am struggling to believe in a God of love who loves me whilst simultaneously running to Him for comfort. I can't explain how that is possible. I feel like I'm holding on by the hang nail on my fingernail. I don't know how much longer I can hang on for. I'm finding church an almost impossible place to be, particularly worship. How can I sing praise to a God I am so mad at? Last week I just say outside the hall during the worship, I just couldn't be in there. I'm also not feeling very supported by people in church. Please note I said feeling. People have been amazing and it's been great but in my current state of poor mental health I am not always able to see subtle signs of support and I'm really not able to ask for it. Particularly prayer. I am not able to ask for prayer or even to pay for myself at the moment. I do not mean to offend the people who have gone out of their way to check on is and to see me. I'm just struggling to feel seen. I feel like an absolute burden and it's because people are fed up of me that they are pulling back. Yes I know how silly that sounds. I'm well aware people have their own lives and worries. This is just my way of processing what I'm feeling. I am very grateful to many people. I really, really feel like turning my back on God and church right now. I know that's not the right thing to do. Even in my crisis of faith I can feel God calling me in, wrapping his arms around me, helping me see Him in all of this pain and uncertainty.

The post I never wanted to write

At the beginning of the week this was going to be called 'the post I never expected to write'. You see, at the beginning of the week I was 12 weeks pregnant. This was going to be the week we announced to the world we were having our rainbow baby. On Monday night I had slight bleeding so we went to our 12 week scan on Tuesday morning excited but anxious. Sadly, once the scan was underway it was clear that all was not well. The sonographer confirmed baby had no heartbeat and only measured between 9&10 weeks. I had a surgically managed miscarriage on Wednesday.

Expectation

At the beginning of 2019 we decided to have one last year of trying to have a baby before moving on to living well as a family of 2. We tried nearly every month to no avail until the 3rd December. My period was a couple of days late and the best way to start my period was to take a pregnancy test. So I did and when it was positive both Neil and I were utterly amazed. In fact, when I showed Neil he asked if I'd taken it out of the box like that! It was faint so I did a digital test a few days later which confirmed I was pregnant. As I had suffered a chemical pregnancy (a positive test which was negative the next week) in the past, I took another digital test the next week and the numbers had gone up. This was happening! We told a few people as we needed support. It's hard to live in answered prayer of a prayer you have prayed for 7 years plus. Once we got used to the idea though we were really excited. I got morning sickness quite early on, I've never been so happy to be sick!

Expectation

I have a very physical job so I told work so they could look after me during manual handling etc. It was quite exciting telling people and filling in my pregnancy risk assessment. We visited my parents just before Christmas and Neil's parents stayed with us for Christmas. We decided to tell them as my sickness was quite hard to hide. We have them Christmas cards addressed to Nana and Grandpa and Granny and Grandad from their miracle grandchild. They were all elated and very happy for us. It was an exciting time.

Expectation

We had our booking in appointment on the 29th of December. Our last two pregnancies were through IVF and ended before we got referred over to community midwives so this was a new experience for us. It was quite overwhelming but a really significant experience. I have a balanced chromosome translocation which doesn't affect my health but means my baby has a 50% chance of having a fatal genetic condition. Due to this I was referred to consultant care and had an early scan at 8 weeks. The scan happened to be on New Year's Eve. It was amazing, we saw our tiny baby and heard their wooshing heartbeat. All the reassurance we needed that we were actually having a baby. We both cried with happiness when we heard the heartbeat!

Expectation

A few weeks before I found out I was pregnant a friend approached me at church to pass on a word she had heard from God for me. She said God had said that November would be a significant month for me. I went away and prayed about it and weighed it up in scripture. Turns out I conceived in November! When I told my friend I was pregnant she said that she had actually felt God telling her I would be pregnant in November. This news filled me with hope that this would be the baby that we got to bring home. 

Back in October we went to a prophetic event at church where we took part in a prayer tunnel. Basically everybody was prayed for by everyone else. A lady who I don't know and didn't know anything about my situation said over me 'God is opening doors for whatever it is you are waiting for'. At the time I wondered if this was about work or some other things in my life, I didn't dare to think it would be to do with having a baby. When I got pregnant I remembered this word and thanked God for opening this door. 

A third encouragement from God came from a friend after I had told him I was pregnant. He said when he prayed for me he saw a tall figure surrounding me with a hand protecting my belly. This gave me hope that God was protecting this baby.

Disappointment

Until the night before the 12 week scan when I first saw blood I'd had no reason to believe anything was wrong with our miraculous baby. The miscarriage has been a complete rug being pulled out from beneath our feet experience. With all the words from God and me experiencing lots of pregnancy symptoms I really believed this baby would be fine. I'm really struggling with this loss. I know it's really early days so I'm being kind to myself but this all seems so cruel and unfair. I'm actually wishing I'd never got pregnant in the first place. Just to go through loss again. 

We'll get through this, we've gotten through it before. But right now it's pants!

Goodbye Mini

Neil and I call each other Mr and Mrs Moo so we had been referring to our baby as Mini Moo. We have decided to say our baby was a girl and have named her Mini. Obviously we don't know what gender Mini Moo was but we didn't like referring to her as 'it' or 'they'. Goodbye Mini, rest well with all your brothers and sisters.

The weight of continual disappointment

We have recently been on a really lovely, desperately needed, refreshing holiday. It was great and we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. However, in the middle of our lovely holiday I had a crushing disappointment which is beginning a sad, regular reality. My monthly cycle came in a very painful and difficult to manage way. We are currently trying naturally to get pregnant and I really thought we'd cracked it this month. I really, truly thought I was pregnant. My cycle started in a very strange way, teasing me with what I thought was implantation bleeding. A couple of days later I realised it definitely wasn't. I was crushed. Incredibly crushed. I tried to lift myself and enjoy our holiday but now we're back I'm feeling flat and disappointed yet again.

I'm really annoyed with myself because I thought I'd got to a place where I didn't put everything into trying each month so I didn't get so down when I wasn't. But this time was different. I'm not sure why but I had dreams and visions of coming home to take a pregnancy test and it being positive.

Facing disappointment month after month, year after year is utterly exhausting. I know I need to praise God in the face of my disappointment but man is it hard. So I'm going to end this post with 10 things to praise God for in the midst of this painful disappointment.

1. God I praise you for the lessons of endurance I have learnt during my years of infertility.

2. God I praise you for the 8 babies who now reside in heaven following our IVF experience.

3. God I praise you that I am ovulating and have the potential to get pregnant.

4. God I praise you for the babies I have carried in my womb.

5. God I praise you for the friends and community I have made during this long, long trial.

6. God I praise you for my amazing husband who is always by my side.

7. God I praise you for each and every time I have thought I was pregnant and I wasn't.

8. God I praise you for teaching me to wait on you.

9. God I praise you for giving me a job where I can out work my mother heart.

10. God I praise you because you alone are trustworthy, faithful and true to your promises.

Family of two

Last year was really tough with the failed adoption and dealing with that. This year we wanted a positive experience, something different.
Today is Blob Day, the day or embryos were created when we did IVF. Instead of being sad that none of our blobs got to become babies I thought I'd record some of the fun stuff we've done this year as a family of fun.

1. We met an alpaca and took him for a walk 😀
2. We had a lovely holiday staying in a little cottage in Stratford-upon-Avon.
3. We celebrated our pottery wedding anniversary at the potteries in Stoke.
4. We went to see a play in the West end and visited the science museum on the way home.
5. We went on a Latin American Street food cookery course.
6. We discovered a local art cafe in a little village nearby.
7. We went out for dinner in a posh pub in Henley.
8. We have had dates in the cinema.
9. We went to an art exhibition based around trees, something very special to us.
10. We've learnt some new games suited to two players.

We're only halfway through the year so I'm sure this list will grow. We already have a few things planned!

Pancake Day

Today, and everyday at the moment, is pancake Day for me. Yes I know I'm a few months late for shrove Tuesday! But my overwhelming feeling just now is numbness. I feel flat as a pancake!

I've been trying to work out why. After last year's trauma with the adoption falling apart and dealing with that we decided we'd have a year of really trying hard to get pregnant naturally. And I mean trying hard! Today is the first of June and I have taken 5 pregnancy tests this year so far. They have all been negative. And what's more the last two months my cycle has been over a week late and in that week of maybe I've had early pregnancy symptoms. This is a cruel journey. This really is our last attempt to have a family, we've tried everything else. I think the flatness comes from knowing we're pretty much half way through the year and no closer to having a baby. Each negative test chips another bit of my heart away.

In addition I'm in a very stressful season at work and don't know when it will ease. Everyday I feel frazzled and like I'm drowning in everything that's going on. I don't really know how to stay afloat. I am trying to prioritize self care but it's a really difficult season. This doesn't help.

All this stress had taken it's toll. We are in a season of having to work hard at our marriage. We're doing ok but with me constantly stressed everything is hard work. And my relationship with God is in a similar state. I try but I'm finding it hard to believe in a good God who wants only good things for me. I know that is the truth but when your daily reality is difficulty and stress it's hard to translate knowledge into belief.

So I am feeling flat as a pancake.

I'm sorry, my friend

Lately I've been really struggling with the tension of feeling like a burden and wanting to be a good friend and support my friends like they have supported me. I know I have huge room for improvement in this area. I hope this post will act as an apology and explain why I may come across as a self involved, rubbish friend sometimes.

All my life I've struggled with a fear of rejection and failure. I've also always struggled in social situations, particularly where I don't know what's expected of me or don't have a model of what is accepted behaviour in that situation. This means I often withdraw our stock to what I know and what is comfortable and familiar. I know this can appear rude.

Since struggling with infertility and baby loss/failed adoption this struggle has been magnified as I've often felt very sad or uncomfortable if surrounded by people who have what I so desire. It's also been harder as the years add up as I feel like people must think I'm just attention seeking and never happy. It's often hard to balance my happiness for others and my sadness for myself. I know people must think I'm rubbish and only think about myself. I hardly ever ask people how they are doing as I'm so scared they will reject me or just say I don't care. I really do care and I'm so sorry that my pain and fear have got in the way of some really good friendships. I know I've lost some really good friendships due to this over the years, and recently and this makes me very, very sad.

I want to say to these friends I have grown apart from, I am sorry. I also want to say I really do care although I know it looks like I don't. I do pray for you often and care about what is going on with you even though it must seem as though I am only wrapped up in my own stuff.

I know my social awkwardness and my ongoing pain and sadness has alienated people and meant people have pulled back from me. I pray I can be a much kinder and better friend and benefit from restored relationships maybe.

I'm also struggling with my relationship with God at the moment. I feel like a burden on everyone including God. Fertility wise I feel like all I'm coming up against is unanswered prayer. How is that a God who cares? However, I don't feel able to talk to anyone about this, partly due to my fear of rejection, but also due to feeling like a constant burden. I need to get to a place where I can pray for myself and believe he can answer.

I need to get to a place where I can pray to God to help me be a better friend. I need to get to a place where I don't feel so lonely.

I am sorry to the friends who have, understandably, withdrawn from me both recently and in the past. I will try to be a better friend. And I will make an effort to ask 'how are you doing?' and not talk about me.

Hope crushed... Again!

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I thought I was pregnant this month. It was the first month in many we had even been intimate at all and the first in probably a year and a half that we had been intimate at the right time to conceive. We only did it once and (to be graphic) my medical condition meant things were only where they needed to be for seconds but we had the tiniest of chances. We had more of a chance than we have had in years. So we prayed. We prayed for a miracle. We prayed like we've never prayed before.

Over the years I've lost hope to pray for a baby. With each miscarriage, loss, and heartbreak my hope that God would come through on this for us would chip off until there was virtually nothing there. When we started the adoption process hope stated to creep back in and I began to pray that God would give us a child this way. When it was abruptly brought to an end my hope, and faith, was completely shattered. I have slowly been building my faith and hope back up. Before Christmas my family received since miraculous healing news which really helped me to realise God does answer my prayers for others. It's meant I've been able to start praying for myself for little things and things unrelated to babies. As some of them have been answered I've been able to slowly start praying for my desire to be mummy. When I realised that we had a slim chance of conceiving this month I thought it was the perfect opportunity to exercise my faith and progress to God answering the biggest desire of my heart.

I'm not pregnant. My body is very painfully reminding me today that I'm not pregnant. I'm drowning in disappointment again. I'm not sure what this has done for my faith and hope. I'm trying to remember everything else God has done for me and others I've prayed for. I'm trying to thank God rather than be angry that he's not worked a miracle again. 

We've just been to a church prayer meeting where people were talking and praying about how we can bring people into the church community who are part of it but feel on the outside. I realised that, during this, seemingly never ending trial I often feel on the outside of the church community. You wouldn't know it though. I'm on various serving and ministry teams, go to prayer meetings and midweek groups. But, a lot of the time, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I feel like I'm isolated by my struggles. I'm not sure what to do about this feeling, or if I need to do anything at all. Maybe I'll always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Maybe that's ok. I don't know.

I'm hoping that I can continue to pray for myself and, maybe even pray for a baby next month. Maybe I should be praying that God will give me peace whatever happens with baby stuff. I'm not ready to give up on being mummy one day, maybe.