Today began with me shouting at Neil over something ridiculously trivial and I don't seem able to control my emotions. The word at church was about having the power of God so we can resist the devil, which seems to fit with where I am right now. I don't know why today particularly but I really do feel like I am a mess just over having to decide if IVF is the right path for us. Does this mean I'm not strong enough to go through the treatment? Or is it just part of the pressure of the decision? I don't really know what to write here I just felt I needed to write a post to try to make sense of it all. Tomorrow I have to support a friend to do something really tough. How am I supposed to do that when my own emotional life is in such turmoil? I know I can do it and I know I will do it I just need to write down the questions in my heart. Sunday mornings are always tough at the moment as there are a few very pregnant women at church, one of whom I know well, so things always feel a bit raw. But today was particularly hard. I think it's partly because I feel like I've decided and am now just killing time. I didn't expect my journey to becoming pregnant to involve such heartache. I just don't feel human at the moment, I can't wait for the decision to be made one way or another, then I can start to live again! I apologise for the negativity in this post, I'm simply being real to where I am today. This blog is my way of sorting out my feelings. I know that I need to pray about all of this and I will, I am, I just need to rant first! All this indecision and the emotional nature of the issues we face is turning me into a horrible jealous woman a lot of the time. I wish I didn't have to pray just to appear nice and in control! But I do and I think I will do for quite some time! Now to invest some time in me and do something fun!
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