Numbers

My eggs were collected on Monday in preparation for our IVF treatment. I went in with 24 follicles but we only got 12 eggs. Yesterday I had a phonecall to tell me that only 8 had fertilised successfully. That means we have 8 embryos (we have nick named them blobs!) that need to develop enough cells to undergo the genetic testing we need. Today one of the ladies on the Facebook support group I'm part of posted that she had 21 eggs retrieved from 30 follicles. Everyone keeps telling me my numbers are really good but I found it really hard to congratulate her knowing my numbers are so low in comparison. Embryos have to get to day 5 for testing and it's unlikely a while batch will get there. We will have a phonecall tomorrow (day 3) to see how many have made it that far then again on Saturday (day 5) with numbers for testing. I know God is in control and that just the right amount of embryos have fertilised but I'm finding it hard to trust Him with such low numbers. I'm praying so hard for my 8 little blobs, I really believe we'll have something to transfer. This treatment has really taken it's toll on my body and I'm not sure I can put myself through it again. The nurse was saying before that if we get low numbers of embryos we might think about going straight into another cycle to bank embryos. But I feel that if we have anything to transfer we should. I also feel that if this cycle doesn't work out we should pursue adoption. But we get 3 funded cycles on the NHS so the sensible thing to do would be to use them. However I'm learning that God's will and the sensible thing to do don't always line up!

The big day

(Guest post by Neil)

Last time I posted on here, I talked about the Father’s Day card I received last year. The day has come round again, and I am hopefully on the eve of, in a sense, finally becoming a father – though not (yet) father of an actual child I can hold in my arms. For tomorrow is the day we have been building up to for the last few weeks: the day of egg (and sperm) collection. By the end of the day, if all goes according to plan, there will exist one or more embryos containing both my genetic material and Cara’s.

It’s been frustrating watching everything my wife has had to put herself through to get to this stage, and not being able to share in her suffering or take it away. I really do have it easy – I hardly have to do anything tomorrow, but she has to undergo a procedure under sedation. And just to put her body in the right condition for this to happen, she has had to inject herself in the stomach every day for the last 10 days, and put up with the bloated feeling and other physical effects (while still working shifts of up to 14 hours at a time).

But the good news is we know it’s all been worthwhile, because Cara’s scan on Friday showed that the drugs have done exactly what they were supposed to, and her ovaries have been working overtime to produce eggs for fertilisation. After that’s happened, Cara will have a well-deserved rest from drugs and scans until the time comes for implantation – probably in August. If that works, we will then be facing the very real prospect of becoming parents to an actual screaming, burping, waking-you-up-in-the-small-hours human being.

I mentioned before how God used last year’s Catalyst Festival to tell me that fatherhood was part of his plan for me, despite my misgivings about my own ability. This year, at the same event, he reassured me that I am a good father – not will be, but am, because that’s who he has made me. Parenthood is going to be massively hard work for both of us, probably harder than we can begin to imagine. But we’re made in God’s image, which I reckon makes us pretty good parents.

Feeling loved!

I started this week feeling (not thinking) quite isolated and alone in this journey. In my new job your not allowed to use your personal phone on shift and 14 hours without any support from outside has hugely contributed to my feelings of isolation. Coupled with stress and exhaustion and side effects from the nasal spray my emotions have been all over the place. All this left me feeling rather rubbish and I was beginning to feel unloved! Until today. I worked a sleep shift last night which meant a long day yesterday and getting home at 11 this morning. I came home to chocolate from my amazing hubby and the prospect of spending the afternoon with a friend. After a short rest I had a lovely afternoon with my friend and her kids. I got to have lots of baby cuddles which really helped focus my mind on why I'm putting myself through all of this! My injections start tonight so it was really nice to have some company and take my mind off things. Just as I was leaving she gave me some flowers, how lovely. The flowers especially have helped to line my feelings back up with my knowledge! I've taken a picture so that when those unloved feelings start to creep in I have a reminder of the truth! I am not alone and today has really helped remind me that there are people who love us and want to support us through our journey. Now I've just got to psych myself up to stick a needle in my stomach tonight!

Progress

We had our next IVF appointment this morning and it went swimmingly! We're all set to progress with the treatment cycle. If all goes as well as it has done so far we will be 'parents' of embryos in less than a month! It's really quite overwhelming when you put it like that! I'm very grateful to God for how smooth our journey has been so far. I still have a sense of peace about the whole thing but my feelings and emotions have been a bit haywire. It's a very strange feeling to be at peace but feeling so emotional and irrational at the same time. I take every little thing personally and feel like people are against me, even Neil! I know it's not true and is likely just a side effect but it takes it out of me feeling like this. I don't even know how to pray about it. But it will all be over soon and we can start on the adventure of embryo transfer and all that should come after that. I'm really grateful that all I have to deal with is lack of sleep and irrational emotions for a few days.

Catalyst

We have just returned from camping with others from our church at the Catalyst festival. In science a catalyst is an agent for change and that's exactly what this years festival was for my attitude to IVF. We found ourselves in the healing tent at one point and received prayer for this, and any necessary subsequent cycles of IVF. While we were being prayed for I felt a real sense of peace for the first time since we started this process. When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was a piece of paper saying freedom. That was perfect, I felt a real freedom from fear of miscarriage, failed cycles, side effects, injections, everything. I'm well aware that these things may still happen but for the first time none of it hold any fears for me. I have realised that it is possible to have difficulties in life without being riddled with anxiety and fear. After being prayed for I felt led to change the way I pray. Up till now I've been praying for help in the process and for the problems to ease. This time I prayed a prayer of thanks for our baby and for all the sleepless nights and tantrums we'll have to deal with! For me, the big take away statement is that God is God of the impossible. It may not be possible for us to naturally conceive but we have the God of the impossible on our side! In addition in one of the morning worship sessions I had a picture of God with babies playing at his feet. As I watched he picked up one of the babies and handed it to me saying "this is your child I have formed for you". It was a very profound moment and I felt like I saw the face of our child. Thankfully I was unaffected by side effects from my IVF nasal spray till this morning which is fine because I'm home now!

Callings and blessings

Yesterday we went to church with my in laws as we were staying with them for the weekend. The speaker spoke about responding to Gods calling on your life and also serving God in the season you are in. It struck me that this blog is my way of reaching out to others and serving God during this season of infertility. I pray I serve him well in this. Maybe my calling just now is to get alongside couples who are a few steps behind us on this journey.
I have been thinking a lot lately about just how God is blessing me through this season. It's hard to acknowledge blessings, small or otherwise, when the overriding desire of your heart remains elusive. As per previous posts I have been blessed with amazing miracles of healing but my blessings are more than just that. When I look back upon our journey I can see the grace of God at work in many ways I could not see at the time. Although we have had many heartbreaks and disappointments in our journey we have, thus far, been spared the pain of losing our child. I have struggled in the past to see that as a blessing, as strange as it may sound. I felt that my grief was misplaced or less than ladies who had suffered losses. I know now that it is a different type of grief and that we have been spared this pain by God. I have also been blessed with a great support network. We have been blessed with 3 cycles of IVF with PGD on the NHS. We could not pursue this of we lived in a country where we had to pay. I start my new job tomorrow which is a blessing. There are many more I'm sure!

A new language

I'm writing this post as some light relief in all this heaviness. Since starting on this journey we've really had to learn a new language! It feels like my life has been reduced to a series of initials and abbreviations. So, here is an account of our treatment written in the language of infertility:
We are having IVF via ICSI with PGD for a BT 13,15 at OFU. I start DR meds in 20 days and start stimming shortly after that. I will then have ER followed, after PGD testing by FET. Then I will commence the 2ww before I POAS hoping for a BFP not a BFN. I used to have PCOS but now I just have PCAO. If I had become pregnant naturally I would have had CVS and/or amnio.
I could go on but that's probably enough! I don't expect you to understand if you're not experienced in this journey, just trying to sprinkle a little humour on things!