Blob on board!!

Well folks I'm finally in a position where I can say "I have an embryo in my uterus!" Yesterday we went into our clinic for frozen embryo transfer. For such an emotionally significant procedure it was a bit of a non event! We were in the clinic for all of 20 minutes and the transfer itself took about 5 minutes. But that is 5 minutes that has changed my life. We have to wait just short of 2 weeks before I take a pregnancy test to see if this has worked. Other than take it easy there's very little I can do physically now. But I am certain that, even if the test is negative I will be a different person for the experience. Whether it takes or not I now have life in my womb. That changes a person. We started trying in the middle of 2012 and sought medical help towards the end of 2013. 2014 was spent trying various fertility treatments and procedures all without fruit. By January 2015 we had to decide whether to take the IVF road. After much prayer we felt certain IVF was God's will for us so embarked on our current road. As I have posted here before many miracles have confirmed this is God's will. All that considered I have waited nearly 3 years to be able to say there is life in my womb. I am praying this little blob will implant and stick hard. It's hard to take it easy when I don't feel as if I need to but I will do what I need to for my little blob.

Hello little blob

You were created in a lab with 7 others,
Hooray little blob!
You all held on and grew well,
Stay strong little blob.
Into the freezer you all went,
So cold little blob.
4 of you passed your test with flying colours,
Well done little blob.
You've had to wait ages for Mummy to be ready,
Nearly there little blob.
Soon you'll come out of the freezer,
Thaw well little blob.
Then you can come home with Mummy,
Hold tight little blob.
If God wills, in 9 months time we can say,
Hello little blob!

My life is about to change!

In 2 days time I'm going into my clinic to have one of my frozen embryos replaced into my uterus! Argh! Way back in June we went to the clinic to provide the eggs and sperm needed to make our embryos. Physically that procedure was tough on my body. I reacted badly to the sedation and ended up in hospital due to complications a few days later. Our embryos were then tested so we didn't implant any that wouldn't make it due to the genetic defect I carry. That meant an agonising wait with its own stresses and strains before we can take one of our 4 frozen genetically perfect embryos home in my uterus! But on Tuesday that will happen! Physically it is a much simpler procedure than anything I've had up till now. It doesn't involve any sedation and shouldn't hurt much. It's just a case of inserting a catheter guided by ultrasound and send the little embryo home. I then have to stay lying down for 20 minutes to let it settle in but can then go home. There's no restrictions on my eating and drinking. Physically speaking it's really not a big deal! However, emotionally it's a huge deal! I have been trying not to look too much at statistics but it's hard to hide completely. They're not great and there's a higher chance of it failing than working but I'm trusting that God will use whatever happens to help us progress in our journey to parenthood. I've said before on here that I'm confident God will use IVF to bring us a baby but I'm finding it hard not to get carried away planning for this baby before we even know transfer has worked. It's really hard to find a balance between believing this transfer will definitely work and believing it definitely won't. I'm excited to finally be so near and also super nervous to be so near. I'm on annual leave now and have planned a heap of stuff tomorrow to keep my mind occupied. After transfer I have to rest so we're going away for a few days and I also have plenty of Netflix viewing lined up. I guess I just really need to let God be in control. Whatever the outcome of Tuesday it will change my life, I am certain of that!

Timeline of miracles

I had another miracle in my IVF journey this morning which means transfer can go ahead early next week. I imagine I'm going to get quite caught up in the excitement of that and the (hopefully) resulting pregnancy so I've decided to write a timeline of the miracles and answers to prayer that have featured in our IVF journey. I'm putting it in a blog post so I can find it easily and also in the hope that it may encourage others. There have been many miracles in our lives and several (particularly financial provision) overlap with our IVF timescale. However this timeline is just for IVF miracles. That way I can see just how much God is in control of IVF in particular. Am extremely grateful to God for all the miracles but wanted a visual reminder of God's hand on IVF before I get carried away with baby stuff!
25.02.2015: We had a positive appointment with our fertility consultant, following a terrible experience last appointment. He referred us for IVF.
13.04.15: 1st IVF appointment. A scan shows I no longer have the PCOS I was diagnosed with 18 months previously. This is a miraculous healing. The scan also showed my uterus had changed shape! 18 months previously I was told I had a heart shaped uterus which would make it slightly harder for me to carry a baby. This scan showed a normal triangular shaped uterus with just a tiny dip! Praise God!
05.07.15: My period started as an instant answer to prayer meaning I could progress with treatment with minimal medication.
14.07.15: We received the news that we have 4 genetically normal embryos frozen and waiting for my body to be ready.
August/September15: I had a30 day cycle (normal for me) with proven ovulation, after a very long cycle. An answer to prayer and the cycle which enabled me to get going with appointments for frozen transfer.
06.10.15: I got a solid smiley face on my ovulation test signifying ovulation. This was a true answer to prayer as the test is supposed to show a flashing smiley face for 2 days at least before a solid and I had had no smiley face at all. Was beginning to panic that I wouldn't ovulate and that transfer wouldn't fit into my annual leave. Asked people to pray and low and behold I ovulated straight away!

Have a scan tomorrow and will book in for transfer probably next Monday!!

Not forgotten in the waiting

Infertility came up in the sermon at church on Sunday. The guy speaking (who was a visiting speaker) talked about a lady in his church who had a testimony of becoming pregnant soon after a group of 2&3 year old laid hands on her tummy and prayed life. She had been through many years of infertility treatments with no success. The guy speaking said that after this testimony had been shared in his church several couples had approached him and his wife saying "we're infertile, please pray for us". At the end of the service I toyed with the idea of going up to this guy with Neil and asking for prayer. It had not been the focus of the sermon and I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. However, after being spontaneously encouraged by one of the elders to ask them to pray for us we went up and waited as they were playing with someone. A friend came and stood with us which helped loads. When they were free we stood in front of then and I realised I had no idea what to say! I'm used to everyone knowing our story and I enjoy not having to explain. After a few seconds of awkward silence I took Neil's hand and blurted out " we're infertile! " Before I could ask for prayer or even tell them our names or story they laid hands on us and started praying for us. It was a really valuable time of prayer. They knew nothing about us but prayed things very relevant to us just now. I love all these little reminders that God has not forgotten us.
In other news our journey has started to get interesting again after months of inactivity. When your life is wrapped up in infertility waiting becomes a way of life. You wait for test results, appointments, procedures, particular days in your cycles, meds to be delivered... The list goes on. And of course there is the monthly wait to see if this will be your month. Before IVF I would wait to see if my period would not come meaning I was pregnant. During IVF I find myself waiting each month for it to come so things can happen. After my egg collection in June I had to wait for my third period before phoning the clinic to book in for my frozen embryo transfer. Last month I had an epic 48 day cycle so the wait for the third has been excruciatingly long. But I am happy to report that yesterday that wait came to an end! I was at work so Neil emailed the clinic and they phoned me this morning. The next step is to have a scan around day 10 and then transfer about 10 days after that depending on how things look. The receptionist I spoke to this morning could not book me in for a scan, she said the nurses had to do that and would call me later today. I waited by my phone all day and they never phoned! It's too late to phone now so I'll have to call in the morning. More waiting! Still it's all happening finally! In around 22 days I'll be having one of my frozen blobs put inside my uterus! Then we wait to see if it's worked.

Revelation

Sometimes I do or say things that make me want to run away from myself. Things that make me feel ashamed to be me. I don't need to go into details but I had one of those moments this morning. Normally I would beat myself up for hours after something like this and cry lots. Today however it happened straight after a really good time of prayer for the IVF and encouragement from a friend. So after about half an hour of giving in to temptation to be horrid to myself I felt myself 'wake up' and recognise the situation for what I believe it to be: spiritual attack in response to the work God was doing in the prayer time. I'm not saying the devil made me do the stupid thing but I do believe the temptation to respond to it in a negative way was spiritual in some way. I realised I had a choice to make. I could choose to be horrid to myself in various ways all day or I could forgive myself and ask God to forgive me too and move on. I chose to move on but it was not easy, I had to ask God for help me to forgive myself but I got there and had a pleasant afternoon. I've been feeling physically tired and unwell today which is probably due to my difficult working hours and I find it very hard to like myself when I feel like this but I now know, with a lot of conscious effort I can try at least.
On a slightly different subject but still a revelation it's starting to dawn on me that I'm probably going to have an embryo in my uterus in around 6 weeks! Really need to start praying that it works but that I don't get too stressed out if it doesn't. I've booked 2 weeks off work at the time I hope I'll be transferring. I wasn't going to buy I've been told I'll need to be relaxed as possible. I can't do that with several 12-14 hour shifts per week!

No longer a slave to fear.

The journey of infertility is marked by fear and what ifs. Fear of treatment, fear of failure, fear of miscarriage, the list goes on. What if this doesn't work, what if I don't respond to treatment, what if I can't maintain a pregnancy, what if we can't cope with the grief, what if my period never comes?... Throughout this journey I've struggled with all of those and more. As a Christian I have realised that through prayer God has replaced the fear with peace but the what ifs still remain. However they now have a different answer. What if this cycle doesn't work? Well we'll rest on God and follow what we feel he's telling us to do next. What if I can't maintain a pregnancy? God knows what he's doing and maybe I'll be able to use my experiences to help someone else. What if we can't cope with the grief? Well he's helped us cope with the grief so far, I'm sure he will continue to do so. He's given us each other and a great support network. What if my period never comes? That may seem a strange worry for someone going through infertility, you'd expect the opposite. But this is the what if I'm living in right now. I need my period to come so that I can then have another regular cycle with which I can book to have my frozen embryos put back in me (well one of them). I'm recovering from being over stimulated in June. I thought I was recovered but my cycle is currently 6 days late so obviously things are not back to normal yet! Gods answer to this what if? Trust in me and it will come. I now know that the clinic making me wait an extra cycle for transfer was an answer to prayer as we would not have been ready this month clearly. I'm hoping to do an unmedicated transfer and need a regular cycle for that. I'm not saying that the pain of infertility goes away when you pray, far from it. But it is possible to feel peace in the place of fear even in the midst of what ifs. The difference is I have someone I can ask these questions, someone who has the answers and reveals them to me, just as much as I can handle at a time. I used to live my life with clouds of fear above my head, even before infertility but I am slowly learning that I do not need to live like this. To quote the song I used as a title, I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. I just need to let go of my fears, sometimes easier said than done!