Wednesday, 2 December 2015

Learning to rest, wait and live well

Just under a week ago we headed off to our clinic for our second attempt at frozen embryo transfer. We now have 5 days left in the excruciating wait to take a pregnancy test and find out if it's worked. 2 days after transfer I came down with, what has turned out to be, a nasty cold. I don't know if it was the cold/flu bug or the effects of the transfer meds or a combination of the two but I ended up being sick. This was possibly a blessing in disguise as it meant I was forced to take 2 days sick leave from work. If I'd not actually been sick I'd have struggled through with the cold which would probably have been a mistake. Add on the rota'd days off to the sick leave I'll have had a total of 7 days off to simply rest and wait. That sounds like bliss doesn't it? Well to me it's a struggle! I'm really rubbish at enjoying rest time recharging my batteries and always feel guilty for leaving people in the lurch at work, especially when I know how short staffed we are. But I'm slowly learning that sometimes we are given periods of rest just when we need them. I am learning what it is for me to recharge my batteries. I've always thought that for me to rest and recharge I needed to be doing something such as baking or crafts or planning a project. However recently I've been too tired or ill to do any of that. I have discovered the gift of sitting on the sofa watching comfort TV or reading a good book. I had to battle through the wall of boredom and guilt at doing nothing but I now view the last few days as a gift from God! Don't get me wrong there is still a place for baking and making therapy in my life but I'm grateful I now have the ability to rest and refresh a bit.

Another thing I've had to learn is how to wait well. That is even more of a work in progress than the rest thing. One way or another we have spent the whole of this year waiting at various stages in our IVF journey. You'd think we'd be experts at it by now! In reality I seem to find each wait harder than the previous one. This particular wait I was supposed to have work as a distraction but that hasn't happened as much as I thought it would. I know I need to physically wait to see if it's worked and spiritually wait on God to see if he'll come good on his promises to us. I don't know if I'm doing it right, I'm just doing it because there's no other option. We are only about 6 weeks past our first failed cycle which means this wait is full of temptation to think it hasn't worked again. I'm finding I'm having to consciously realign my thoughts to just live and not think too much. Although I am quite bored now I'm enjoying having time to myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to live well through the waiting and resting and not dwell on the thoughts of another failed cycle. On that front I'm definitely a work in progress!

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Angry

Am just back from a really good time meeting with God with lots of other women from church. Are some lovely cake, heard some great testimonies and worshipped my God. I also did some serious business with God. I realised that I am angry at God for the failed cycle. I also realised that that's OK and that he is big enough to take it and still loves me despite the anger. I realised that he gives me grace to work that anger through. I also realised that this embryo being transferred on Thursday may or may not stick but certainly won't mean we're done grieving the one we lost. I realised that's OK too! I also realised that I'm really struggling to relate to God as a faithful father who keeps his promises. I know it's true but it's not my reality right now. He has promised me a baby and a pregnancy and the closest chance I had failed. I know it's not over and that his timing is perfect but if I'm completely honest I can't understand why we had to lose that baby. I know all this will pass and I pray that I can have hope for the next one on Thursday. I need to trust in God even when I don't feel like it!

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

We lost a baby

Before I start writing this post I want to say something to those of you reading this who have suffered miscarriage or infant loss. This post is a voice for my pain in the wake of our failed frozen embryo transfer. I pray that you don't feel I am minimising the pain of losing a baby. I know I've lost an embryo not an actual baby but it still hurts, this is an outlet for that pain.

We lost a baby. Ok so it didn't have a face, name, personality or even a heartbeat. But just over a month ago a tiny blob of cells that shared mine and hubby's DNA was shot down a catheter into my womb. We watched on the ultrasound screen as a small white flash appeared on the scan of my uterus. There then followed a week and a half of relaxation and feeling twinges and little feelings of sickness. During that time we both really started to believe it had worked. We started talking to the blob and making plans for the future, we even worked out the due date. 11 days after the white flash on the screen, we found ourselves staring at a negative pregnancy test in my parents' bathroom. We were crushed. I then had to break the news to my parents and hubby to his. It felt awful having to tell them they weren't going to be grandparents yet. Due to a very delayed period I ended up taking 5 more tests and had to have a blood pregnancy test over the following couple of weeks. They were all negative. Each negative test chipped another bit of hope off my soul. We are currently just a week away from trying again with another of our frozen embryos which helps give hope that our dreams of parenthood will be realised. But it's important to grieve the baby we've lost. We've actually lost 3 of the original 8 embryos that were created as 2 of them came back from the genetic tests as abnormal. I have grieved for those 2 but at the end of the day if they had gone into my womb I would have lost them in miscarriage. With this transfer I had life in my uterus even if only for a few days. That blob of cells had all the genetic information to create a baby that was biologically mine and Neil's. That blob had the potential to grow into our son or daughter. With all those negative pregnancy tests that potential child died. We lost a baby.

Sunday, 8 November 2015

Emotions and perseverance

My IVF experience has been hit by even more bumps in the road this week. My first attempt at having one of our genetically normal frozen embryos put back failed according to home pregnancy tests. On Tuesday we had an appointment with our consultant to discuss the failed cycle and next steps. However, as I had not started my period the doctor told me it couldn't say it has failed yet. I did a natural transfer with no medication so should have started my period on time or soon after. Tuesday I was already 12 days late. So I had blood taken for a pregnancy test to be done in the lab. Because the Dr was not convinced the cycle has failed he refused to talk next steps. He phoned me the following day with the results. The test was negative, the cycle had definitely failed. I was disappointed but also relieved. The Dr had said that if urine tests are negative but blood positive it's likely to be something like an ectopic pregnancy. So on Wednesday on the phone the Dr told me I could get some medication to start my period and also get some medication to do a short medicated frozen transfer. This was great news. A regular medicated cycle takes 2 1/2 months. I've been told my next cycle needs to be medicated due to the lateness of my period. I feel sure God has told me I'll have another embryo in before Christmas so I was happy to hear there was a short option. It takes around 3 weeks. So I'd gone from disappointment to hope and happiness. I was also anxious about doing a medicated cycle as I didn't react well to the medicine I was on before. This medication is different though so I was willing to try it. That was Wednesday. On Thursday I phoned the clinic and spoke to a nurse. She said that as the medication needed to be stated on day 2 of my period there wouldn't be time to get the medication to me. She was convinced my period was about to start. She said I'd have to wait till January due to Christmas closures. I was crushed. She then said she was concerned I may have a cyst stopping my period from coming. She told me if my period still had not come by Monday to make an appointment for a scan. She then threw me a morsel of hope. She said if I went in for scan they could sort me out meds to transfer before Christmas! She phoned back 10 mins later saying she was sufficiently concerns to book me in for scan on Tuesday. That was Thursday. On Friday my period started! I felt pretty disappointed as it seemed I wouldn't be able to get meds in time and would have to wait till January. I called the clinic and spoke to the same nurse. She was so nice and eager to help me. So she fast tracked my meds prescription and talked me through the process. I'd gone from disappointment to hope and happiness in a matter of hours! So yesterday, Saturday my meds were delivered and I started taking them. I have to take a combination of tablets and injection. Unfortunately I have not reacted well to the medication. Had a night of nausea and very little sleep. Reading up on side effects I think it's all normal but I hope it eases up. I can't live like this for very long. I only have to inject for a week but have to take the tablets for longer. I'm learning through all this different ways to pray. I'm now praying for power to persevere and endure and also for side effects to be relieved. I praise God for the opportunity to try again before Christmas. I've been through so many emotions this week I've been grateful of the opportunity to rest today. I had to call in sick and have spent the day on the sofa and in bed. God is meeting my needs in unconventional ways!
Yesterday we also went to the Fertility show in London. It was good but more relevant to people self funding or earlier in the process than us. It made us immensely grateful to God for our 3 NHS funded cycles! We went to a seminar on coping strategies which was really helpful. It actually made us realise we are coping remarkably well!
I'm starting to recover from all my crazy emotions this week and just praying that the side effects will ease off so I can get on with my life! I need to remember that, particularly for me, emotional turmoil almost always causes physical symptoms. I'm asking God for respite from that!

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

We are 1 in 6

This week is national fertility awareness week and this year they are highlighting the statistic that 1 in 6 couples have a difficult journey to parenthood. This post is my contribution to raising awareness.
For the past 3 years or more we've been immersed in the world of 1 in 6 and have had immense support from friends and family. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you for supporting us even when you don't understand what we're going through. Thank you for giving us time and space, especially recently, to grieve the loss of our embryo. Thank you for standing with us as we grieve and struggle on. Thank you for supporting us through our IVF treatment even if you may not agree with it in principle yourself. Thank you for putting up with our outbursts of ugly crying or irrational arguments. Thank you for not judging us. Thank you for believing with us that we will be parents. Thank you for listening to me when all I can talk about is my menstural cycle (particularly if you're male!). Thank you for hugs, flowers, cards and prayers. Thank you for having conversations with us when we had decisions to make about different types of treatment. Thank you for supporting us in practical ways with meals, lifts and company. Thank you for being there for us despite your own circumstances, I hope we can be there for you too. Thank you for being in this with us for the long haul. Thank you for loving us, we couldn't do this without you!

Saturday, 24 October 2015

No second line

Well today is the official test day where I find out if the frozen transfer worked or not. Sadly after 2 pregnancy tests no second line was even barely visible so it's a fairly convincing negative. There's still a tiny chance I'll get a late positive so will test again in a day or two but I'm not holding out much hope. I've been feeling quite sick and achey the past few days so was not prepared for a negative. I'm not sure how I feel but I expect the full force of it will hit me later. I feel like I want to mark the passing of this little blob in some way so maybe when we know for sure we'll light a candle and say a little prayer. We still have 3 more blobs in the freezer so all is not completely lost. I'm also certain that God has given us the perfect number of blobs, he knows what he's doing. Still hurts though.

Thursday, 15 October 2015

7 questions about IVF with PGD answered

I've written an article about IVF with PGD which may appear on www.mumspiration.com.au. I realised I've never really explained about the PGD part or why we're doing it in my blog. Therefore I thought I'd publish the article here to give some context and explanation.

7 things you've always wanted to know about IVF with PGD but were afraid to ask.
1. What is it?
In vitro fertilisation with preimplantation genetic diagnosis is a specific fertility treatment offered to couples who have been found to carry faulty genes. Embryos are created by combining the woman's eggs with the man's sperm in a lab. These embryos are then matured to day 5 when they are known as blastocysts and have divided enough times to contain more than 40 cells. A biopsy is then taken from the embryos and sent for testing. The embryos need to be at blastocyst stage as the biopsy removes some of the cells. If it has not divided into many cells removing cells for biopsy will damage the embryo. Most clinics freeze the embryos once the biopsy has been taken as the results take a few weeks to come through. Some clinics get the results in a few days and put an unaffected embryo back in the woman's uterus in the same week her eggs were collected. This is similar to IVF without PGD and is referred to as a fresh transfer. My clinic only does frozen transfer with PGD. The test screens for a specific gene or chromosome abnormality and only unaffected embryos are put forward for transfer.

2. Who is it for?
IVF with PGD is available for couples where one or both partners have been found to have a specific issue with their chromosomes and genes. This could mean one of the couple has a genetic condition they do not wish to pass on or they could be carriers. If they are a carrier they will have a faulty copy of the gene involved but are not affected by the condition it causes. If they were to conceive naturally they run the risk of having a child with the condition. The most common reason for doing IVF with PGD is something called balanced translocation (BT). That is what I have. I have a Robertsonian Balanced Translocation of chromosomes 13 and 15. That means that one of my copies of chromosome 13 is broken off from the other copy at the mid point and attached to one of my copies of chromosome 15. That means when my chromosomes divide to create an egg I could end up with an egg that has an extra copy of chromosome 13 or 15 or those chromosomes could be missing. The exact outcome for a resulting baby from that egg depends on the chromosomes involved. In my case all genetic defects my translocation causes would end in miscarriage. The Robertsonian bit means the chromosomes are broken in the central point. You can also get reciprocal translocations and in those the break can be anywhere on the chromosomes. Reciprocal translocations can involve any combination of the 23 chromosomes. Robertsonian translocations only involve chromosomes 13,14,15,21 or 22. The balanced part means that the carrier is not affected other than when it comes to reproduction. An embryo with the wrong genetic information as a result of a translocation would be described as unbalanced. My unbalanced embryos would not be viable but in some cases they are but have genetic syndromes. The word translocation represents the fact that chromosomes or parts of chromosomes have swapped places.

3. How do you know you need it?
Here I will speak mainly about BT as that is my experience but some of the testing and processes will be the same regardless of the genetic condition involved. I count myself as incredibly blessed as I have known about my BT all my life. Well I've known I had some genetic issue that would impact on my fertility. I didn't know details until we started seeing doctors and genetic specialists. Due to the fact that unbalanced translocations result in a syndrome or miscarriage most people are diagnosed after they have gone through considerable heartache. My Mum had recurrent miscarriages and as a result had an amniocentesis when she was pregnant with me and my BT was picked up then, as was my Mum's. It wasn't really explained to my Mum so although I grew up knowing there was something I didn't know details. For me the process of discovering IVF with PGD began nearly 2 years ago when we went to the Dr having been trying to conceive for about 18 months. We were referred to the fertility clinic and I mentioned the genetic issue so I had an extra blood test which was sent to the genetics team. It took a couple of months but the results came back with details about the chromosomes involved. We then went to see the geneticist who explained everything beautifully. She explained that our options in terms of having a child were to continue trying and have the unborn child tested to see their genetic status or to have IVF with PGD. At that point there were a few other issues I had that were affecting my fertility so we decided to address those issues and if the treatment for those resulted in a pregnancy we would go down the testing route. After a year of treatment and trying I was still not pregnant so we decided to pursue IVF with PGD. We are committed Christians so this was not a decision we made lightly, I'm sure no one makes it lightly. We had to find peace with the fact we would be making decisions about the fate of our embryos. We did find that peace and since starting the process my other fertility issues have miraculously disappeared. This, for us, is confirmation that IVF with PGD is God's plan for our family.

4. How much does it cost?
As we are in the UK and meet their requirements we are funded by the NHS for our treatment. With PGD we get funding for 3 cycles, if we were not doing PGD we would only get funding for one cycle in our locality. Other localities fund different amounts of cycles. I thank God for our NHS funding every day, we couldn't do this otherwise. Without the funding, at my clinic, the cost would be well in excess of £6000 for just one cycle. There are age restrictions on the NHS funding and you don't qualify if you or your partner already have an unaffected child(ren).

5. What does it involve?
To answer this let me take you through my treatment from our referral to now. Our fertility Dr made the referral to the IVF clinic in February. In March we were sent a small forest worth of paperwork to fill in, sign and return. IVF of any kind is regulated by the HFEA in the UK and we had to fill in forms about child welfare and criminal convictions involving children. We also had to give our consent for everything you could imagine! We had our first appointment with our IVF nurse in April. Here I had a scan as a baseline for starting treatment. It was at this scan that I discovered I no longer had polycystic ovarian syndrome and also the my womb was no longer heart shaped. You can read more about these miracles in an earlier post on my blog. We signed yet more forms and learnt more about the whole process. A few days later I received my medication schedule in the post and a number to call to organise delivery of my meds. My meds were then delivered (by stork fertility!) and I waited for day 21 in my cycle to start my medication. The first stage of medication is called down regulation and I did this with a nasal spray, 2 sniffs morning and 2 sniffs evening. You can down regulate with injections. Down regulation medication shuts down your ovaries so the next stage of medication can stimulate them to produce several eggs. During this time you have a withdrawal bleed. Due to the fact that down regulation shuts down your ovaries it can cause menopausal symptoms. I wasn't too badly affected but did have a few hot flushes and a couple of spectacular mood swings. I took the nasal spray for about 2 weeks and then had my down regulation scan appointment. This was to check everything was going as it should. My scan was fine and showed my womb lining was thin and my ovaries were "quiet". We both had to have blood taken at this appointment to make sure we weren't carrying any infectious diseases. We had these when we were referred but under HFEA guidelines they only last 3 months so we had to have them again. My blood test was fine but the nurse had trouble getting blood out of my husband. After so much of me being prodded and poked I almost enjoyed him having to have repeated jabs! At this appointment we were also shown how to use the injection pen for the next stage of medication. After down regulation comes stimulation which I started about a week after my scan. Everything in IVF is times precisely around your menstural cycle and I had a very strict schedule to follow. Stimulation medication is injected, I had gonal f which comes in a handy easy to use application pen. A woman naturally produces one (sometimes 2) eggs each month. IVF treatments aim to create several embryos so the strongest can be put back and others frozen so the next treatment won't need so much medication. IVF with PGD particularly needs lots of embryos as statistically some in a batch will be affected. Stimulation medication, therefore, helps a woman to produce several eggs. Eggs come out of follicles on the ovary and in most woman only a few follicles develop each month. I, however have polycystic appearing ovaries because I naturally have several follicles on each ovary. Each month I have a leading follicle which grows big enough for an egg to come out. Stimulation medication makes several follicles grow big enough. I injected myself in my stomach every evening and had 2 scans to check growth and confirm when the eggs would be ready to collect. At my scan before collection I had 24 follicles between 17&22 mm. I could feel my ovaries getting bigger and was quite uncomfortable. 2 days before my egg collection I had to take a trigger injection at a precise time so the eggs will be ready at my scheduled collection time. The trigger is HCG hormone which matures the eggs. I then had a drug free day before we went to the clinic for egg collection. This was the end of June. We were scheduled for 9am but had to be there for 8. I had some pain relief but wasn't allowed to eat from the previous evening and had to stop drinking water an hour before. This was because egg collection is done under sedation. We had more forms to fill in and hubby went and did his bit. I then went in and was sedated. They collected 12 eggs which I was a bit disappointed with but was assured it was good. I took a long time to recover from the sedation and needed a drip as I was very dizzy. I also had a bad reaction to the sedation in the car on the way home being rather violently ill. Once home I started to feel like I was recovering. Over the next few days we heard that eight of our eggs had fertilised and all 8 grew and developed enough to have a biopsy taken for PGD and they were frozen. I unfortunately succumbed to a complication from the stimulation meds and became so poorly that I was hospitalised. I was suffering from something called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). Basically my ovaries had stimulated too much and I was leaking fluid into my abdomen. It was also drawing fluid out of my blood making it thick and sticky. The fluid in my abdomen and my huge ovaries squished everything else like my stomach out of the way which made me nauseous and sick. The sticky blood made me dizzy. After 24 hours in hospital with IV fluids, blood thinners and anti nausea meds I was able to recover at home. It took about a week to go back to my normal size and I had put on and then lost 5lbs in water weight. Shortly after I recovered we received the news that 4 of our embryos (which we nicknamed blobs) had normal chromosomes. The PGD test showed 2 were definitely abnormal but another 2 had chromosomal problems unrelated to my BT that meant their viability is questionable. We have to decide what to do with those two. We have decided to defer that decision till after we've completed a cycle with one of our frozen healthy blobs. As I was so ill I had to wait 3 periods before I could start on the process to have a frozen embryo replaced. The middle of those was 15 days late which meant it was October before we could start the next step. As I normally ovulate on my own and am pretty regular I was able to do a natural frozen cycle. Frozen cycles can be medicated or natural. As I've never done a medicated I can't comment on it. For my natural I have taken no medication but some people take progesterone pessaries. I phoned the clinic on day 1 and had a scan on day 10. That showed my lining wasn't quite thick enough so I had another one a week later. In between I used home ovulation test sticks to see if I had a surge of hormones indicating ovulation. I surged the morning before my scan so we were able to book in for transfer there instead of phoning. A week after my surge I was in the clinic with a full bladder having one of my 4 PGD passed blobs put into my uterus. It's guided by ultrasound hence the full bladder. The whole thing took 5 minutes and we were on our way home! I'm now half way through my 2 week wait to take a pregnancy test and see if it's worked.
Edit: I have now completed my 2 week wait and unfortunately the test was negative. Next step is to try again with one of the three remaining blobs.

6. What's the worst thing about doing IVF with PGD?
The waiting! So much waiting! We waited for referrals, right dates in cycles, periods to come, results of tests, scan appointments, the list goes on!
Edit: I wrote this before I took the pregnancy test after my first frozen transfer. The worst thing about IVF with PGD is waiting for that second line on the pregnancy test that never appears. It leaves you feeling numb and with a huge sense of grief.

7. What's the best thing about doing IVF with PGD?
Having some control in the process and taking active steps to fulfilling the desire that's been on my heart for so many years!