Not forgotten in the waiting

Infertility came up in the sermon at church on Sunday. The guy speaking (who was a visiting speaker) talked about a lady in his church who had a testimony of becoming pregnant soon after a group of 2&3 year old laid hands on her tummy and prayed life. She had been through many years of infertility treatments with no success. The guy speaking said that after this testimony had been shared in his church several couples had approached him and his wife saying "we're infertile, please pray for us". At the end of the service I toyed with the idea of going up to this guy with Neil and asking for prayer. It had not been the focus of the sermon and I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. However, after being spontaneously encouraged by one of the elders to ask them to pray for us we went up and waited as they were playing with someone. A friend came and stood with us which helped loads. When they were free we stood in front of then and I realised I had no idea what to say! I'm used to everyone knowing our story and I enjoy not having to explain. After a few seconds of awkward silence I took Neil's hand and blurted out " we're infertile! " Before I could ask for prayer or even tell them our names or story they laid hands on us and started praying for us. It was a really valuable time of prayer. They knew nothing about us but prayed things very relevant to us just now. I love all these little reminders that God has not forgotten us.
In other news our journey has started to get interesting again after months of inactivity. When your life is wrapped up in infertility waiting becomes a way of life. You wait for test results, appointments, procedures, particular days in your cycles, meds to be delivered... The list goes on. And of course there is the monthly wait to see if this will be your month. Before IVF I would wait to see if my period would not come meaning I was pregnant. During IVF I find myself waiting each month for it to come so things can happen. After my egg collection in June I had to wait for my third period before phoning the clinic to book in for my frozen embryo transfer. Last month I had an epic 48 day cycle so the wait for the third has been excruciatingly long. But I am happy to report that yesterday that wait came to an end! I was at work so Neil emailed the clinic and they phoned me this morning. The next step is to have a scan around day 10 and then transfer about 10 days after that depending on how things look. The receptionist I spoke to this morning could not book me in for a scan, she said the nurses had to do that and would call me later today. I waited by my phone all day and they never phoned! It's too late to phone now so I'll have to call in the morning. More waiting! Still it's all happening finally! In around 22 days I'll be having one of my frozen blobs put inside my uterus! Then we wait to see if it's worked.

Revelation

Sometimes I do or say things that make me want to run away from myself. Things that make me feel ashamed to be me. I don't need to go into details but I had one of those moments this morning. Normally I would beat myself up for hours after something like this and cry lots. Today however it happened straight after a really good time of prayer for the IVF and encouragement from a friend. So after about half an hour of giving in to temptation to be horrid to myself I felt myself 'wake up' and recognise the situation for what I believe it to be: spiritual attack in response to the work God was doing in the prayer time. I'm not saying the devil made me do the stupid thing but I do believe the temptation to respond to it in a negative way was spiritual in some way. I realised I had a choice to make. I could choose to be horrid to myself in various ways all day or I could forgive myself and ask God to forgive me too and move on. I chose to move on but it was not easy, I had to ask God for help me to forgive myself but I got there and had a pleasant afternoon. I've been feeling physically tired and unwell today which is probably due to my difficult working hours and I find it very hard to like myself when I feel like this but I now know, with a lot of conscious effort I can try at least.
On a slightly different subject but still a revelation it's starting to dawn on me that I'm probably going to have an embryo in my uterus in around 6 weeks! Really need to start praying that it works but that I don't get too stressed out if it doesn't. I've booked 2 weeks off work at the time I hope I'll be transferring. I wasn't going to buy I've been told I'll need to be relaxed as possible. I can't do that with several 12-14 hour shifts per week!

No longer a slave to fear.

The journey of infertility is marked by fear and what ifs. Fear of treatment, fear of failure, fear of miscarriage, the list goes on. What if this doesn't work, what if I don't respond to treatment, what if I can't maintain a pregnancy, what if we can't cope with the grief, what if my period never comes?... Throughout this journey I've struggled with all of those and more. As a Christian I have realised that through prayer God has replaced the fear with peace but the what ifs still remain. However they now have a different answer. What if this cycle doesn't work? Well we'll rest on God and follow what we feel he's telling us to do next. What if I can't maintain a pregnancy? God knows what he's doing and maybe I'll be able to use my experiences to help someone else. What if we can't cope with the grief? Well he's helped us cope with the grief so far, I'm sure he will continue to do so. He's given us each other and a great support network. What if my period never comes? That may seem a strange worry for someone going through infertility, you'd expect the opposite. But this is the what if I'm living in right now. I need my period to come so that I can then have another regular cycle with which I can book to have my frozen embryos put back in me (well one of them). I'm recovering from being over stimulated in June. I thought I was recovered but my cycle is currently 6 days late so obviously things are not back to normal yet! Gods answer to this what if? Trust in me and it will come. I now know that the clinic making me wait an extra cycle for transfer was an answer to prayer as we would not have been ready this month clearly. I'm hoping to do an unmedicated transfer and need a regular cycle for that. I'm not saying that the pain of infertility goes away when you pray, far from it. But it is possible to feel peace in the place of fear even in the midst of what ifs. The difference is I have someone I can ask these questions, someone who has the answers and reveals them to me, just as much as I can handle at a time. I used to live my life with clouds of fear above my head, even before infertility but I am slowly learning that I do not need to live like this. To quote the song I used as a title, I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. I just need to let go of my fears, sometimes easier said than done!

Choices

Today I found out that we have 4 genetically normal embryos that we can use for frozen embryo transfer. There are also 2 more that have genetic defects but could still quite likely result in a successful pregnancy. The babies that may result from those embryos could have health problems but would survive. This means when it comes to it we have to decide whether to let those 2 perish or use them in transfer. We will use our 4 healthy embryos first but I hate that we have to make that choice. When it was just about embryos which have my translocation and would not survive to term the choice is easy. I also know that God has only given us the amount of embryos that we need. As we only get 3 goes at FET (I think) I'm not sure what to make of the fact we have 4. Maybe we will have a failed cycle along the way. I am praying that we are not going to have to decide to let unused frozen embryos perish. After a certain number you have to pay and we can't afford that! I need to check all this of course. I've been struggling with headaches and dizzy spells which is my bodies response to stress. I thought finding out would help but actually feeling even worse since finding out! I wish my body didn't deal with stress in that way but it always has done! This is such an ethical minefield and I almost feel guilty for being happy about having embryos to choose from! I am happy. I have to phone the clinic Monday and all being well they'll let me book in for transfer. There's a chance they'll make me wait another month due to the over stimulation but am praying that doesn't happen!!

Bumps in the road

Since I last posted an update on here my IVF journey has gotten interesting! When you have IVF your ovaries are stimulated with medication and hormones so they produce lots of eggs and consequently several embryos. One of the risks is that the medication works too well and over stimulates the ovaries. This results in ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) which means the ovaries are enlarged and leaking fluid into the abdomen. This is what happened to me. It normally happens 2-3 days after egg collection but I made it to 4 days after before I started to feel unwell. Therefore I was surprised when I was diagnosed but when I saw my scan it became clear why I was so ill. My abdomen was full of ovaries and fluid pushing everything else (stomach etc) out of the way leaving me very nauseous and being sick. I was also constantly dizzy and unable to stand for more than 10 minutes as fluid had leaked out of my blood vessels leaving my blood thick and sticky and not moving around my body properly. All this meant I was relieved when the doctor admitted me to hospital for treatment! I was given anti sickness medication and put on a drip. After one night I was able to go home and recover there. I've now been given the all clear from the OHSS but am still a little bloated as there is still a bit of fluid and my ovaries are still a bit bigger than they should be. So I still need to rest and not bounce about too much as my ovaries are still big and could twist. I'm feeling much better in myself so I'm finding it hard to stay off work and not feel guilty! I feel bad being off sick when I'm able to do bits and pieces. But I know I need the rest of the week for my body to come back to normal. On Sunday I should be working a 14 hour shift and I know I'm not up to that yet! I still get very tired and have some residual bowel problems from everything being so squashed inside! I'll go back next week knowing I've had a proper rest.
My illness has given me time to reflect on the journey so far. I am grateful to God that we have to have a frozen cycle while they test the embryos. If we were not doing this my cycle would have been cancelled as I would have been too unwell. Or if I had transferred before I became unwell it would have been a different story as early pregnancy makes OHSS much worse. Also I think I really needed an extra week off work. Although it's been hard I've had lots of time to read the bible and listen to worship music which has been great!
In other news all 8 of our embryos have been tested and frozen. We're just waiting for the results then I can phone the clinic and find out what I need to do for the frozen embryo transfer. I just need my monthly cycle to start first which is proving illusive due to the OHSS I think.

Still there!

After being convinced by the scientists that not all of our little blobs would make it to today(day 3) we started praying hard. For my own peace of mind I feel I need at least 5 to make it to testing on Saturday. I told God that in my prayer and he came through! All 8 are still there and looking good! I know that we will be left with just the right amount but the fact that the numbers haven't started dropping yet gives me hope! Which is what I need right now! I've included a picture of embryos at day 3, that's what our little blobs look like! You can see they have only got about 6 to 8 cells. When they test then they take out one or more complete cells. If they were to do that at this stage they would take 1/6 or 1/8 of the whole thing, hampering it's chances of transferring successfully. So they wait until they've grown to day 5 or 6 which is called the blastocyst stage and has many more cells. The embryologist reminded me that just because they've all made it to day 3 doesn't mean they'll all make it to day 5. But they weren't all suposed to make it this far so I'm now confident we should get a decent number to test. Will keep praying hard for our little blobs!

Numbers

My eggs were collected on Monday in preparation for our IVF treatment. I went in with 24 follicles but we only got 12 eggs. Yesterday I had a phonecall to tell me that only 8 had fertilised successfully. That means we have 8 embryos (we have nick named them blobs!) that need to develop enough cells to undergo the genetic testing we need. Today one of the ladies on the Facebook support group I'm part of posted that she had 21 eggs retrieved from 30 follicles. Everyone keeps telling me my numbers are really good but I found it really hard to congratulate her knowing my numbers are so low in comparison. Embryos have to get to day 5 for testing and it's unlikely a while batch will get there. We will have a phonecall tomorrow (day 3) to see how many have made it that far then again on Saturday (day 5) with numbers for testing. I know God is in control and that just the right amount of embryos have fertilised but I'm finding it hard to trust Him with such low numbers. I'm praying so hard for my 8 little blobs, I really believe we'll have something to transfer. This treatment has really taken it's toll on my body and I'm not sure I can put myself through it again. The nurse was saying before that if we get low numbers of embryos we might think about going straight into another cycle to bank embryos. But I feel that if we have anything to transfer we should. I also feel that if this cycle doesn't work out we should pursue adoption. But we get 3 funded cycles on the NHS so the sensible thing to do would be to use them. However I'm learning that God's will and the sensible thing to do don't always line up!