The deafening silence

Today we went to out IVF clinic for what we thought would be the last time for this cycle. I'm 7 weeks 4 days pregnant and today should have been the day when we heard our babies heartbeat for the first time. The nurse inserted the scanning probe and moved it around a bit and we all waited and listened for that pulsating sound that would have put our minds at ease. That sound never came. We were faced with a deafening silence. The nurse tried very hard to find what she knew we needed to hear. However she was trying in vein. She showed us the screen and said she could see everything she needed to. There's a gestational sac, a yolk sac and a foetal pole (what the embryo is called now) but, alas, no foetal heartbeat. As I had some bleeding 10 days ago the nurse said it may be that baby had died. She did give us a glimmer of hope though. She said that very occasionally the embryo beds into the lining so deeply that it obscures the heartbeat. I have to go back next week to see if we can find the heartbeat. So we have another week of uncertainty ahead of us. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I know we have a God who loves us and can do miracles. I know this is an opportunity to pray for the heartbeat to appear miraculously. However, after the bleeding scare and everything up to now I feel like I'm all prayed out. I don't have enough faith left to believe we'll hear a heartbeat next week. I want to buy I'm so very tired! So, friends, if you pray please pray for me. Please have faith for my miracle when I don't have any left.

Another rollercoaster of a week!

Nothing is ever simple is it?! This week stated with worry as I had 2 episodes of bleeding, one on Sunday, one on Monday. This meant I had to have 2 blood tests to check my hormone levels are rising enough. I have the second one today. I'll find out the results tomorrow. However I'm pretty sure I'm still pregnant. I had been having a bit of nausea and had thrown up once. Monday afternoon I started to feel really sick but also had diarrhoea so wondered if it was just a bug. I then started bleeding again and the nausea stopped. Then I stopped bleeding and threw up shortly after! Yesterday nausea hit me like a bus! I still feel so very sick. My diet is now plain toast, plain rice and ginger biscuits! I'm going to have an interesting Christmas dinner! I now only feel sick so maybe it is pregnancy related and not a bug. I've not actually thrown up since Monday but I've barely eaten anything. I talked to a midwife at my clinic yesterday just to check. She said it sounds like it is pregnancy related but maybe I picked up a bug too. She said as I have experienced nausea with all artificial hormones I've taken in this process this is a good sign that hormone levels are increasing in my body. I am of course still taking hormones 7 times a day but the fact that the nausea is getting worse is maybe a sign my body is starting to take over. How strange to talk about feeling awful as a good sign!

There's an additional issue for me with morning sickness affecting me so badly. As long as I can remember I have suffered from emetiphobia (fear of vomiting). This has been debilitating for me. I've never felt I can articulate it so as a child I just cried every time I felt sick or someone around me was sick. As I got older I got angry and would scream and shout. As an adult it induced panic attacks, which would make me feel sick, a viscous cycle. In all honesty this phobia made me reluctant to get pregnant in case I got morning sickness. Thankfully, about a year and a half ago, at a freedom in Christ away day, I confessed to my phobia and God began the process of freeing me from this phobia. In God's wonderful timing I'm now able to be sick without, most of the time, having a panic attack. However he's not done setting me free yet. Feeling sick and like I will be sick is accompanied with a constant anxiety. I feel out of control and like I can't cope with anything when I feel like that. Also the problem with it being pregnancy related is seeing the end. I now have to pray every day that God will complete his work of freeing me from this debilitating phobia. I am praying for some perspective and some hope. Being sick is never going to be an enjoyable experience but if I can get through this without the constant companion of fear and dread that would be lovely! I was praying that I would escape morning sickness but I realised that was a prayer from a place of fear. As silly as it sounds in actually grateful to be feeling like this. After the bleeding is reassurance that I'm still pregnant. I now need to pray that I can cope with the sickness and maybe get some respite occasionally. If you believe in the power of prayer would you please join me?

An unexpected wait

It would seem nothing is ever simple with our IVF journey! Yesterday I woke up with severe cramps like really bad period pain. I then went to the loo and discovered I was bleeding, really quite heavily. I called the clinic and they said it would be too early to see anything on a scan. So I had blood taken today and will have more taken on Wednesday. The levels of pregnancy hormone in my blood should double every 48 hrs if I'm still pregnant. The bleeding has stopped and my nausea has returned. I will find out on Thursday, Christmas eve, if I'm still pregnant. So this week will be the wait I never expected.

I am worried but there's nothing I can do now, I just have to wait it out. Worrying isn't going to make me stay pregnant. Praying might! This journey has been full of bumps and lessons. It's exhausting this early pregnancy lark!

Transition

We've been trying for a baby for 4 years. 2014 was taken up with unsuccessful fertility treatments. This year has been spent on the IVF rollercoaster. October saw our first attempt at transferring one of our embryos into my womb. That attempt failed. In November, after the clinic changing their minds daily for a week, we tried again.

At the beginning of December, this week, we discover that the second embryo decided to implant. I got my first ever positive pregnancy test (then another 2!). It's very early days but it would appear I am pregnant! I have a scan in a few weeks where we should see a heartbeat. I don't think I'll be able to believe this is real till then.

Now for the honesty. With everything we've been through to get to this point I can't help but feel guilty for being happy about being pregnant. I also feel bad for those who have had several failed cycles. I'm finding it hard to know where my identity lies now. As a Christian I know in my heart that my identity lies in being a daughter of God. However, lately I have felt my strongest identity has been as an infertile woman. Now I'm pregnant. So what is my identity now? I feel a bit like some people think all our problems have disappeared because we've had a positive pregnancy test. We are still grieving for our lost embryos (we've lost 3 one way or another). Infertility still has a huge mark on our lives. We have some counseling and an infertility retreat lined up and I feel bad for still needing those things. But we really do. I still have so many questions regarding why we've had to go through this. I'm hoping we can be an inspiration to other struggling couples. We still need support despite the fact it seems to have worked. In addition, with IVF there are a few things that can happen which can cause a positive without an actual pregnancy. So until we've seen a heartbeat we are not off the IVF rollercoaster. An IVF pregnancy in the early days is fraught with worry. As is any pregnancy I guess. Having said that, throughout this journey I've always wanted to be pregnant at Christmas, now I will be. I'm now in a state of transition from infertile to newly pregnant.

I'm finding the transition is just as hard, if not harder than the journeying.

Learning to rest, wait and live well

Just under a week ago we headed off to our clinic for our second attempt at frozen embryo transfer. We now have 5 days left in the excruciating wait to take a pregnancy test and find out if it's worked. 2 days after transfer I came down with, what has turned out to be, a nasty cold. I don't know if it was the cold/flu bug or the effects of the transfer meds or a combination of the two but I ended up being sick. This was possibly a blessing in disguise as it meant I was forced to take 2 days sick leave from work. If I'd not actually been sick I'd have struggled through with the cold which would probably have been a mistake. Add on the rota'd days off to the sick leave I'll have had a total of 7 days off to simply rest and wait. That sounds like bliss doesn't it? Well to me it's a struggle! I'm really rubbish at enjoying rest time recharging my batteries and always feel guilty for leaving people in the lurch at work, especially when I know how short staffed we are. But I'm slowly learning that sometimes we are given periods of rest just when we need them. I am learning what it is for me to recharge my batteries. I've always thought that for me to rest and recharge I needed to be doing something such as baking or crafts or planning a project. However recently I've been too tired or ill to do any of that. I have discovered the gift of sitting on the sofa watching comfort TV or reading a good book. I had to battle through the wall of boredom and guilt at doing nothing but I now view the last few days as a gift from God! Don't get me wrong there is still a place for baking and making therapy in my life but I'm grateful I now have the ability to rest and refresh a bit.

Another thing I've had to learn is how to wait well. That is even more of a work in progress than the rest thing. One way or another we have spent the whole of this year waiting at various stages in our IVF journey. You'd think we'd be experts at it by now! In reality I seem to find each wait harder than the previous one. This particular wait I was supposed to have work as a distraction but that hasn't happened as much as I thought it would. I know I need to physically wait to see if it's worked and spiritually wait on God to see if he'll come good on his promises to us. I don't know if I'm doing it right, I'm just doing it because there's no other option. We are only about 6 weeks past our first failed cycle which means this wait is full of temptation to think it hasn't worked again. I'm finding I'm having to consciously realign my thoughts to just live and not think too much. Although I am quite bored now I'm enjoying having time to myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to live well through the waiting and resting and not dwell on the thoughts of another failed cycle. On that front I'm definitely a work in progress!

Angry

Am just back from a really good time meeting with God with lots of other women from church. Are some lovely cake, heard some great testimonies and worshipped my God. I also did some serious business with God. I realised that I am angry at God for the failed cycle. I also realised that that's OK and that he is big enough to take it and still loves me despite the anger. I realised that he gives me grace to work that anger through. I also realised that this embryo being transferred on Thursday may or may not stick but certainly won't mean we're done grieving the one we lost. I realised that's OK too! I also realised that I'm really struggling to relate to God as a faithful father who keeps his promises. I know it's true but it's not my reality right now. He has promised me a baby and a pregnancy and the closest chance I had failed. I know it's not over and that his timing is perfect but if I'm completely honest I can't understand why we had to lose that baby. I know all this will pass and I pray that I can have hope for the next one on Thursday. I need to trust in God even when I don't feel like it!

We lost a baby

Before I start writing this post I want to say something to those of you reading this who have suffered miscarriage or infant loss. This post is a voice for my pain in the wake of our failed frozen embryo transfer. I pray that you don't feel I am minimising the pain of losing a baby. I know I've lost an embryo not an actual baby but it still hurts, this is an outlet for that pain.

We lost a baby. Ok so it didn't have a face, name, personality or even a heartbeat. But just over a month ago a tiny blob of cells that shared mine and hubby's DNA was shot down a catheter into my womb. We watched on the ultrasound screen as a small white flash appeared on the scan of my uterus. There then followed a week and a half of relaxation and feeling twinges and little feelings of sickness. During that time we both really started to believe it had worked. We started talking to the blob and making plans for the future, we even worked out the due date. 11 days after the white flash on the screen, we found ourselves staring at a negative pregnancy test in my parents' bathroom. We were crushed. I then had to break the news to my parents and hubby to his. It felt awful having to tell them they weren't going to be grandparents yet. Due to a very delayed period I ended up taking 5 more tests and had to have a blood pregnancy test over the following couple of weeks. They were all negative. Each negative test chipped another bit of hope off my soul. We are currently just a week away from trying again with another of our frozen embryos which helps give hope that our dreams of parenthood will be realised. But it's important to grieve the baby we've lost. We've actually lost 3 of the original 8 embryos that were created as 2 of them came back from the genetic tests as abnormal. I have grieved for those 2 but at the end of the day if they had gone into my womb I would have lost them in miscarriage. With this transfer I had life in my uterus even if only for a few days. That blob of cells had all the genetic information to create a baby that was biologically mine and Neil's. That blob had the potential to grow into our son or daughter. With all those negative pregnancy tests that potential child died. We lost a baby.

Emotions and perseverance

My IVF experience has been hit by even more bumps in the road this week. My first attempt at having one of our genetically normal frozen embryos put back failed according to home pregnancy tests. On Tuesday we had an appointment with our consultant to discuss the failed cycle and next steps. However, as I had not started my period the doctor told me it couldn't say it has failed yet. I did a natural transfer with no medication so should have started my period on time or soon after. Tuesday I was already 12 days late. So I had blood taken for a pregnancy test to be done in the lab. Because the Dr was not convinced the cycle has failed he refused to talk next steps. He phoned me the following day with the results. The test was negative, the cycle had definitely failed. I was disappointed but also relieved. The Dr had said that if urine tests are negative but blood positive it's likely to be something like an ectopic pregnancy. So on Wednesday on the phone the Dr told me I could get some medication to start my period and also get some medication to do a short medicated frozen transfer. This was great news. A regular medicated cycle takes 2 1/2 months. I've been told my next cycle needs to be medicated due to the lateness of my period. I feel sure God has told me I'll have another embryo in before Christmas so I was happy to hear there was a short option. It takes around 3 weeks. So I'd gone from disappointment to hope and happiness. I was also anxious about doing a medicated cycle as I didn't react well to the medicine I was on before. This medication is different though so I was willing to try it. That was Wednesday. On Thursday I phoned the clinic and spoke to a nurse. She said that as the medication needed to be stated on day 2 of my period there wouldn't be time to get the medication to me. She was convinced my period was about to start. She said I'd have to wait till January due to Christmas closures. I was crushed. She then said she was concerned I may have a cyst stopping my period from coming. She told me if my period still had not come by Monday to make an appointment for a scan. She then threw me a morsel of hope. She said if I went in for scan they could sort me out meds to transfer before Christmas! She phoned back 10 mins later saying she was sufficiently concerns to book me in for scan on Tuesday. That was Thursday. On Friday my period started! I felt pretty disappointed as it seemed I wouldn't be able to get meds in time and would have to wait till January. I called the clinic and spoke to the same nurse. She was so nice and eager to help me. So she fast tracked my meds prescription and talked me through the process. I'd gone from disappointment to hope and happiness in a matter of hours! So yesterday, Saturday my meds were delivered and I started taking them. I have to take a combination of tablets and injection. Unfortunately I have not reacted well to the medication. Had a night of nausea and very little sleep. Reading up on side effects I think it's all normal but I hope it eases up. I can't live like this for very long. I only have to inject for a week but have to take the tablets for longer. I'm learning through all this different ways to pray. I'm now praying for power to persevere and endure and also for side effects to be relieved. I praise God for the opportunity to try again before Christmas. I've been through so many emotions this week I've been grateful of the opportunity to rest today. I had to call in sick and have spent the day on the sofa and in bed. God is meeting my needs in unconventional ways!
Yesterday we also went to the Fertility show in London. It was good but more relevant to people self funding or earlier in the process than us. It made us immensely grateful to God for our 3 NHS funded cycles! We went to a seminar on coping strategies which was really helpful. It actually made us realise we are coping remarkably well!
I'm starting to recover from all my crazy emotions this week and just praying that the side effects will ease off so I can get on with my life! I need to remember that, particularly for me, emotional turmoil almost always causes physical symptoms. I'm asking God for respite from that!

We are 1 in 6

This week is national fertility awareness week and this year they are highlighting the statistic that 1 in 6 couples have a difficult journey to parenthood. This post is my contribution to raising awareness.
For the past 3 years or more we've been immersed in the world of 1 in 6 and have had immense support from friends and family. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you for supporting us even when you don't understand what we're going through. Thank you for giving us time and space, especially recently, to grieve the loss of our embryo. Thank you for standing with us as we grieve and struggle on. Thank you for supporting us through our IVF treatment even if you may not agree with it in principle yourself. Thank you for putting up with our outbursts of ugly crying or irrational arguments. Thank you for not judging us. Thank you for believing with us that we will be parents. Thank you for listening to me when all I can talk about is my menstural cycle (particularly if you're male!). Thank you for hugs, flowers, cards and prayers. Thank you for having conversations with us when we had decisions to make about different types of treatment. Thank you for supporting us in practical ways with meals, lifts and company. Thank you for being there for us despite your own circumstances, I hope we can be there for you too. Thank you for being in this with us for the long haul. Thank you for loving us, we couldn't do this without you!

No second line

Well today is the official test day where I find out if the frozen transfer worked or not. Sadly after 2 pregnancy tests no second line was even barely visible so it's a fairly convincing negative. There's still a tiny chance I'll get a late positive so will test again in a day or two but I'm not holding out much hope. I've been feeling quite sick and achey the past few days so was not prepared for a negative. I'm not sure how I feel but I expect the full force of it will hit me later. I feel like I want to mark the passing of this little blob in some way so maybe when we know for sure we'll light a candle and say a little prayer. We still have 3 more blobs in the freezer so all is not completely lost. I'm also certain that God has given us the perfect number of blobs, he knows what he's doing. Still hurts though.

7 questions about IVF with PGD answered

I've written an article about IVF with PGD which may appear on www.mumspiration.com.au. I realised I've never really explained about the PGD part or why we're doing it in my blog. Therefore I thought I'd publish the article here to give some context and explanation.

7 things you've always wanted to know about IVF with PGD but were afraid to ask.
1. What is it?
In vitro fertilisation with preimplantation genetic diagnosis is a specific fertility treatment offered to couples who have been found to carry faulty genes. Embryos are created by combining the woman's eggs with the man's sperm in a lab. These embryos are then matured to day 5 when they are known as blastocysts and have divided enough times to contain more than 40 cells. A biopsy is then taken from the embryos and sent for testing. The embryos need to be at blastocyst stage as the biopsy removes some of the cells. If it has not divided into many cells removing cells for biopsy will damage the embryo. Most clinics freeze the embryos once the biopsy has been taken as the results take a few weeks to come through. Some clinics get the results in a few days and put an unaffected embryo back in the woman's uterus in the same week her eggs were collected. This is similar to IVF without PGD and is referred to as a fresh transfer. My clinic only does frozen transfer with PGD. The test screens for a specific gene or chromosome abnormality and only unaffected embryos are put forward for transfer.

2. Who is it for?
IVF with PGD is available for couples where one or both partners have been found to have a specific issue with their chromosomes and genes. This could mean one of the couple has a genetic condition they do not wish to pass on or they could be carriers. If they are a carrier they will have a faulty copy of the gene involved but are not affected by the condition it causes. If they were to conceive naturally they run the risk of having a child with the condition. The most common reason for doing IVF with PGD is something called balanced translocation (BT). That is what I have. I have a Robertsonian Balanced Translocation of chromosomes 13 and 15. That means that one of my copies of chromosome 13 is broken off from the other copy at the mid point and attached to one of my copies of chromosome 15. That means when my chromosomes divide to create an egg I could end up with an egg that has an extra copy of chromosome 13 or 15 or those chromosomes could be missing. The exact outcome for a resulting baby from that egg depends on the chromosomes involved. In my case all genetic defects my translocation causes would end in miscarriage. The Robertsonian bit means the chromosomes are broken in the central point. You can also get reciprocal translocations and in those the break can be anywhere on the chromosomes. Reciprocal translocations can involve any combination of the 23 chromosomes. Robertsonian translocations only involve chromosomes 13,14,15,21 or 22. The balanced part means that the carrier is not affected other than when it comes to reproduction. An embryo with the wrong genetic information as a result of a translocation would be described as unbalanced. My unbalanced embryos would not be viable but in some cases they are but have genetic syndromes. The word translocation represents the fact that chromosomes or parts of chromosomes have swapped places.

3. How do you know you need it?
Here I will speak mainly about BT as that is my experience but some of the testing and processes will be the same regardless of the genetic condition involved. I count myself as incredibly blessed as I have known about my BT all my life. Well I've known I had some genetic issue that would impact on my fertility. I didn't know details until we started seeing doctors and genetic specialists. Due to the fact that unbalanced translocations result in a syndrome or miscarriage most people are diagnosed after they have gone through considerable heartache. My Mum had recurrent miscarriages and as a result had an amniocentesis when she was pregnant with me and my BT was picked up then, as was my Mum's. It wasn't really explained to my Mum so although I grew up knowing there was something I didn't know details. For me the process of discovering IVF with PGD began nearly 2 years ago when we went to the Dr having been trying to conceive for about 18 months. We were referred to the fertility clinic and I mentioned the genetic issue so I had an extra blood test which was sent to the genetics team. It took a couple of months but the results came back with details about the chromosomes involved. We then went to see the geneticist who explained everything beautifully. She explained that our options in terms of having a child were to continue trying and have the unborn child tested to see their genetic status or to have IVF with PGD. At that point there were a few other issues I had that were affecting my fertility so we decided to address those issues and if the treatment for those resulted in a pregnancy we would go down the testing route. After a year of treatment and trying I was still not pregnant so we decided to pursue IVF with PGD. We are committed Christians so this was not a decision we made lightly, I'm sure no one makes it lightly. We had to find peace with the fact we would be making decisions about the fate of our embryos. We did find that peace and since starting the process my other fertility issues have miraculously disappeared. This, for us, is confirmation that IVF with PGD is God's plan for our family.

4. How much does it cost?
As we are in the UK and meet their requirements we are funded by the NHS for our treatment. With PGD we get funding for 3 cycles, if we were not doing PGD we would only get funding for one cycle in our locality. Other localities fund different amounts of cycles. I thank God for our NHS funding every day, we couldn't do this otherwise. Without the funding, at my clinic, the cost would be well in excess of £6000 for just one cycle. There are age restrictions on the NHS funding and you don't qualify if you or your partner already have an unaffected child(ren).

5. What does it involve?
To answer this let me take you through my treatment from our referral to now. Our fertility Dr made the referral to the IVF clinic in February. In March we were sent a small forest worth of paperwork to fill in, sign and return. IVF of any kind is regulated by the HFEA in the UK and we had to fill in forms about child welfare and criminal convictions involving children. We also had to give our consent for everything you could imagine! We had our first appointment with our IVF nurse in April. Here I had a scan as a baseline for starting treatment. It was at this scan that I discovered I no longer had polycystic ovarian syndrome and also the my womb was no longer heart shaped. You can read more about these miracles in an earlier post on my blog. We signed yet more forms and learnt more about the whole process. A few days later I received my medication schedule in the post and a number to call to organise delivery of my meds. My meds were then delivered (by stork fertility!) and I waited for day 21 in my cycle to start my medication. The first stage of medication is called down regulation and I did this with a nasal spray, 2 sniffs morning and 2 sniffs evening. You can down regulate with injections. Down regulation medication shuts down your ovaries so the next stage of medication can stimulate them to produce several eggs. During this time you have a withdrawal bleed. Due to the fact that down regulation shuts down your ovaries it can cause menopausal symptoms. I wasn't too badly affected but did have a few hot flushes and a couple of spectacular mood swings. I took the nasal spray for about 2 weeks and then had my down regulation scan appointment. This was to check everything was going as it should. My scan was fine and showed my womb lining was thin and my ovaries were "quiet". We both had to have blood taken at this appointment to make sure we weren't carrying any infectious diseases. We had these when we were referred but under HFEA guidelines they only last 3 months so we had to have them again. My blood test was fine but the nurse had trouble getting blood out of my husband. After so much of me being prodded and poked I almost enjoyed him having to have repeated jabs! At this appointment we were also shown how to use the injection pen for the next stage of medication. After down regulation comes stimulation which I started about a week after my scan. Everything in IVF is times precisely around your menstural cycle and I had a very strict schedule to follow. Stimulation medication is injected, I had gonal f which comes in a handy easy to use application pen. A woman naturally produces one (sometimes 2) eggs each month. IVF treatments aim to create several embryos so the strongest can be put back and others frozen so the next treatment won't need so much medication. IVF with PGD particularly needs lots of embryos as statistically some in a batch will be affected. Stimulation medication, therefore, helps a woman to produce several eggs. Eggs come out of follicles on the ovary and in most woman only a few follicles develop each month. I, however have polycystic appearing ovaries because I naturally have several follicles on each ovary. Each month I have a leading follicle which grows big enough for an egg to come out. Stimulation medication makes several follicles grow big enough. I injected myself in my stomach every evening and had 2 scans to check growth and confirm when the eggs would be ready to collect. At my scan before collection I had 24 follicles between 17&22 mm. I could feel my ovaries getting bigger and was quite uncomfortable. 2 days before my egg collection I had to take a trigger injection at a precise time so the eggs will be ready at my scheduled collection time. The trigger is HCG hormone which matures the eggs. I then had a drug free day before we went to the clinic for egg collection. This was the end of June. We were scheduled for 9am but had to be there for 8. I had some pain relief but wasn't allowed to eat from the previous evening and had to stop drinking water an hour before. This was because egg collection is done under sedation. We had more forms to fill in and hubby went and did his bit. I then went in and was sedated. They collected 12 eggs which I was a bit disappointed with but was assured it was good. I took a long time to recover from the sedation and needed a drip as I was very dizzy. I also had a bad reaction to the sedation in the car on the way home being rather violently ill. Once home I started to feel like I was recovering. Over the next few days we heard that eight of our eggs had fertilised and all 8 grew and developed enough to have a biopsy taken for PGD and they were frozen. I unfortunately succumbed to a complication from the stimulation meds and became so poorly that I was hospitalised. I was suffering from something called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). Basically my ovaries had stimulated too much and I was leaking fluid into my abdomen. It was also drawing fluid out of my blood making it thick and sticky. The fluid in my abdomen and my huge ovaries squished everything else like my stomach out of the way which made me nauseous and sick. The sticky blood made me dizzy. After 24 hours in hospital with IV fluids, blood thinners and anti nausea meds I was able to recover at home. It took about a week to go back to my normal size and I had put on and then lost 5lbs in water weight. Shortly after I recovered we received the news that 4 of our embryos (which we nicknamed blobs) had normal chromosomes. The PGD test showed 2 were definitely abnormal but another 2 had chromosomal problems unrelated to my BT that meant their viability is questionable. We have to decide what to do with those two. We have decided to defer that decision till after we've completed a cycle with one of our frozen healthy blobs. As I was so ill I had to wait 3 periods before I could start on the process to have a frozen embryo replaced. The middle of those was 15 days late which meant it was October before we could start the next step. As I normally ovulate on my own and am pretty regular I was able to do a natural frozen cycle. Frozen cycles can be medicated or natural. As I've never done a medicated I can't comment on it. For my natural I have taken no medication but some people take progesterone pessaries. I phoned the clinic on day 1 and had a scan on day 10. That showed my lining wasn't quite thick enough so I had another one a week later. In between I used home ovulation test sticks to see if I had a surge of hormones indicating ovulation. I surged the morning before my scan so we were able to book in for transfer there instead of phoning. A week after my surge I was in the clinic with a full bladder having one of my 4 PGD passed blobs put into my uterus. It's guided by ultrasound hence the full bladder. The whole thing took 5 minutes and we were on our way home! I'm now half way through my 2 week wait to take a pregnancy test and see if it's worked.
Edit: I have now completed my 2 week wait and unfortunately the test was negative. Next step is to try again with one of the three remaining blobs.

6. What's the worst thing about doing IVF with PGD?
The waiting! So much waiting! We waited for referrals, right dates in cycles, periods to come, results of tests, scan appointments, the list goes on!
Edit: I wrote this before I took the pregnancy test after my first frozen transfer. The worst thing about IVF with PGD is waiting for that second line on the pregnancy test that never appears. It leaves you feeling numb and with a huge sense of grief.

7. What's the best thing about doing IVF with PGD?
Having some control in the process and taking active steps to fulfilling the desire that's been on my heart for so many years!

Blob on board!!

Well folks I'm finally in a position where I can say "I have an embryo in my uterus!" Yesterday we went into our clinic for frozen embryo transfer. For such an emotionally significant procedure it was a bit of a non event! We were in the clinic for all of 20 minutes and the transfer itself took about 5 minutes. But that is 5 minutes that has changed my life. We have to wait just short of 2 weeks before I take a pregnancy test to see if this has worked. Other than take it easy there's very little I can do physically now. But I am certain that, even if the test is negative I will be a different person for the experience. Whether it takes or not I now have life in my womb. That changes a person. We started trying in the middle of 2012 and sought medical help towards the end of 2013. 2014 was spent trying various fertility treatments and procedures all without fruit. By January 2015 we had to decide whether to take the IVF road. After much prayer we felt certain IVF was God's will for us so embarked on our current road. As I have posted here before many miracles have confirmed this is God's will. All that considered I have waited nearly 3 years to be able to say there is life in my womb. I am praying this little blob will implant and stick hard. It's hard to take it easy when I don't feel as if I need to but I will do what I need to for my little blob.

Hello little blob

You were created in a lab with 7 others,
Hooray little blob!
You all held on and grew well,
Stay strong little blob.
Into the freezer you all went,
So cold little blob.
4 of you passed your test with flying colours,
Well done little blob.
You've had to wait ages for Mummy to be ready,
Nearly there little blob.
Soon you'll come out of the freezer,
Thaw well little blob.
Then you can come home with Mummy,
Hold tight little blob.
If God wills, in 9 months time we can say,
Hello little blob!

My life is about to change!

In 2 days time I'm going into my clinic to have one of my frozen embryos replaced into my uterus! Argh! Way back in June we went to the clinic to provide the eggs and sperm needed to make our embryos. Physically that procedure was tough on my body. I reacted badly to the sedation and ended up in hospital due to complications a few days later. Our embryos were then tested so we didn't implant any that wouldn't make it due to the genetic defect I carry. That meant an agonising wait with its own stresses and strains before we can take one of our 4 frozen genetically perfect embryos home in my uterus! But on Tuesday that will happen! Physically it is a much simpler procedure than anything I've had up till now. It doesn't involve any sedation and shouldn't hurt much. It's just a case of inserting a catheter guided by ultrasound and send the little embryo home. I then have to stay lying down for 20 minutes to let it settle in but can then go home. There's no restrictions on my eating and drinking. Physically speaking it's really not a big deal! However, emotionally it's a huge deal! I have been trying not to look too much at statistics but it's hard to hide completely. They're not great and there's a higher chance of it failing than working but I'm trusting that God will use whatever happens to help us progress in our journey to parenthood. I've said before on here that I'm confident God will use IVF to bring us a baby but I'm finding it hard not to get carried away planning for this baby before we even know transfer has worked. It's really hard to find a balance between believing this transfer will definitely work and believing it definitely won't. I'm excited to finally be so near and also super nervous to be so near. I'm on annual leave now and have planned a heap of stuff tomorrow to keep my mind occupied. After transfer I have to rest so we're going away for a few days and I also have plenty of Netflix viewing lined up. I guess I just really need to let God be in control. Whatever the outcome of Tuesday it will change my life, I am certain of that!

Timeline of miracles

I had another miracle in my IVF journey this morning which means transfer can go ahead early next week. I imagine I'm going to get quite caught up in the excitement of that and the (hopefully) resulting pregnancy so I've decided to write a timeline of the miracles and answers to prayer that have featured in our IVF journey. I'm putting it in a blog post so I can find it easily and also in the hope that it may encourage others. There have been many miracles in our lives and several (particularly financial provision) overlap with our IVF timescale. However this timeline is just for IVF miracles. That way I can see just how much God is in control of IVF in particular. Am extremely grateful to God for all the miracles but wanted a visual reminder of God's hand on IVF before I get carried away with baby stuff!
25.02.2015: We had a positive appointment with our fertility consultant, following a terrible experience last appointment. He referred us for IVF.
13.04.15: 1st IVF appointment. A scan shows I no longer have the PCOS I was diagnosed with 18 months previously. This is a miraculous healing. The scan also showed my uterus had changed shape! 18 months previously I was told I had a heart shaped uterus which would make it slightly harder for me to carry a baby. This scan showed a normal triangular shaped uterus with just a tiny dip! Praise God!
05.07.15: My period started as an instant answer to prayer meaning I could progress with treatment with minimal medication.
14.07.15: We received the news that we have 4 genetically normal embryos frozen and waiting for my body to be ready.
August/September15: I had a30 day cycle (normal for me) with proven ovulation, after a very long cycle. An answer to prayer and the cycle which enabled me to get going with appointments for frozen transfer.
06.10.15: I got a solid smiley face on my ovulation test signifying ovulation. This was a true answer to prayer as the test is supposed to show a flashing smiley face for 2 days at least before a solid and I had had no smiley face at all. Was beginning to panic that I wouldn't ovulate and that transfer wouldn't fit into my annual leave. Asked people to pray and low and behold I ovulated straight away!

Have a scan tomorrow and will book in for transfer probably next Monday!!

Not forgotten in the waiting

Infertility came up in the sermon at church on Sunday. The guy speaking (who was a visiting speaker) talked about a lady in his church who had a testimony of becoming pregnant soon after a group of 2&3 year old laid hands on her tummy and prayed life. She had been through many years of infertility treatments with no success. The guy speaking said that after this testimony had been shared in his church several couples had approached him and his wife saying "we're infertile, please pray for us". At the end of the service I toyed with the idea of going up to this guy with Neil and asking for prayer. It had not been the focus of the sermon and I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. However, after being spontaneously encouraged by one of the elders to ask them to pray for us we went up and waited as they were playing with someone. A friend came and stood with us which helped loads. When they were free we stood in front of then and I realised I had no idea what to say! I'm used to everyone knowing our story and I enjoy not having to explain. After a few seconds of awkward silence I took Neil's hand and blurted out " we're infertile! " Before I could ask for prayer or even tell them our names or story they laid hands on us and started praying for us. It was a really valuable time of prayer. They knew nothing about us but prayed things very relevant to us just now. I love all these little reminders that God has not forgotten us.
In other news our journey has started to get interesting again after months of inactivity. When your life is wrapped up in infertility waiting becomes a way of life. You wait for test results, appointments, procedures, particular days in your cycles, meds to be delivered... The list goes on. And of course there is the monthly wait to see if this will be your month. Before IVF I would wait to see if my period would not come meaning I was pregnant. During IVF I find myself waiting each month for it to come so things can happen. After my egg collection in June I had to wait for my third period before phoning the clinic to book in for my frozen embryo transfer. Last month I had an epic 48 day cycle so the wait for the third has been excruciatingly long. But I am happy to report that yesterday that wait came to an end! I was at work so Neil emailed the clinic and they phoned me this morning. The next step is to have a scan around day 10 and then transfer about 10 days after that depending on how things look. The receptionist I spoke to this morning could not book me in for a scan, she said the nurses had to do that and would call me later today. I waited by my phone all day and they never phoned! It's too late to phone now so I'll have to call in the morning. More waiting! Still it's all happening finally! In around 22 days I'll be having one of my frozen blobs put inside my uterus! Then we wait to see if it's worked.

Revelation

Sometimes I do or say things that make me want to run away from myself. Things that make me feel ashamed to be me. I don't need to go into details but I had one of those moments this morning. Normally I would beat myself up for hours after something like this and cry lots. Today however it happened straight after a really good time of prayer for the IVF and encouragement from a friend. So after about half an hour of giving in to temptation to be horrid to myself I felt myself 'wake up' and recognise the situation for what I believe it to be: spiritual attack in response to the work God was doing in the prayer time. I'm not saying the devil made me do the stupid thing but I do believe the temptation to respond to it in a negative way was spiritual in some way. I realised I had a choice to make. I could choose to be horrid to myself in various ways all day or I could forgive myself and ask God to forgive me too and move on. I chose to move on but it was not easy, I had to ask God for help me to forgive myself but I got there and had a pleasant afternoon. I've been feeling physically tired and unwell today which is probably due to my difficult working hours and I find it very hard to like myself when I feel like this but I now know, with a lot of conscious effort I can try at least.
On a slightly different subject but still a revelation it's starting to dawn on me that I'm probably going to have an embryo in my uterus in around 6 weeks! Really need to start praying that it works but that I don't get too stressed out if it doesn't. I've booked 2 weeks off work at the time I hope I'll be transferring. I wasn't going to buy I've been told I'll need to be relaxed as possible. I can't do that with several 12-14 hour shifts per week!

No longer a slave to fear.

The journey of infertility is marked by fear and what ifs. Fear of treatment, fear of failure, fear of miscarriage, the list goes on. What if this doesn't work, what if I don't respond to treatment, what if I can't maintain a pregnancy, what if we can't cope with the grief, what if my period never comes?... Throughout this journey I've struggled with all of those and more. As a Christian I have realised that through prayer God has replaced the fear with peace but the what ifs still remain. However they now have a different answer. What if this cycle doesn't work? Well we'll rest on God and follow what we feel he's telling us to do next. What if I can't maintain a pregnancy? God knows what he's doing and maybe I'll be able to use my experiences to help someone else. What if we can't cope with the grief? Well he's helped us cope with the grief so far, I'm sure he will continue to do so. He's given us each other and a great support network. What if my period never comes? That may seem a strange worry for someone going through infertility, you'd expect the opposite. But this is the what if I'm living in right now. I need my period to come so that I can then have another regular cycle with which I can book to have my frozen embryos put back in me (well one of them). I'm recovering from being over stimulated in June. I thought I was recovered but my cycle is currently 6 days late so obviously things are not back to normal yet! Gods answer to this what if? Trust in me and it will come. I now know that the clinic making me wait an extra cycle for transfer was an answer to prayer as we would not have been ready this month clearly. I'm hoping to do an unmedicated transfer and need a regular cycle for that. I'm not saying that the pain of infertility goes away when you pray, far from it. But it is possible to feel peace in the place of fear even in the midst of what ifs. The difference is I have someone I can ask these questions, someone who has the answers and reveals them to me, just as much as I can handle at a time. I used to live my life with clouds of fear above my head, even before infertility but I am slowly learning that I do not need to live like this. To quote the song I used as a title, I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. I just need to let go of my fears, sometimes easier said than done!

Choices

Today I found out that we have 4 genetically normal embryos that we can use for frozen embryo transfer. There are also 2 more that have genetic defects but could still quite likely result in a successful pregnancy. The babies that may result from those embryos could have health problems but would survive. This means when it comes to it we have to decide whether to let those 2 perish or use them in transfer. We will use our 4 healthy embryos first but I hate that we have to make that choice. When it was just about embryos which have my translocation and would not survive to term the choice is easy. I also know that God has only given us the amount of embryos that we need. As we only get 3 goes at FET (I think) I'm not sure what to make of the fact we have 4. Maybe we will have a failed cycle along the way. I am praying that we are not going to have to decide to let unused frozen embryos perish. After a certain number you have to pay and we can't afford that! I need to check all this of course. I've been struggling with headaches and dizzy spells which is my bodies response to stress. I thought finding out would help but actually feeling even worse since finding out! I wish my body didn't deal with stress in that way but it always has done! This is such an ethical minefield and I almost feel guilty for being happy about having embryos to choose from! I am happy. I have to phone the clinic Monday and all being well they'll let me book in for transfer. There's a chance they'll make me wait another month due to the over stimulation but am praying that doesn't happen!!

Bumps in the road

Since I last posted an update on here my IVF journey has gotten interesting! When you have IVF your ovaries are stimulated with medication and hormones so they produce lots of eggs and consequently several embryos. One of the risks is that the medication works too well and over stimulates the ovaries. This results in ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) which means the ovaries are enlarged and leaking fluid into the abdomen. This is what happened to me. It normally happens 2-3 days after egg collection but I made it to 4 days after before I started to feel unwell. Therefore I was surprised when I was diagnosed but when I saw my scan it became clear why I was so ill. My abdomen was full of ovaries and fluid pushing everything else (stomach etc) out of the way leaving me very nauseous and being sick. I was also constantly dizzy and unable to stand for more than 10 minutes as fluid had leaked out of my blood vessels leaving my blood thick and sticky and not moving around my body properly. All this meant I was relieved when the doctor admitted me to hospital for treatment! I was given anti sickness medication and put on a drip. After one night I was able to go home and recover there. I've now been given the all clear from the OHSS but am still a little bloated as there is still a bit of fluid and my ovaries are still a bit bigger than they should be. So I still need to rest and not bounce about too much as my ovaries are still big and could twist. I'm feeling much better in myself so I'm finding it hard to stay off work and not feel guilty! I feel bad being off sick when I'm able to do bits and pieces. But I know I need the rest of the week for my body to come back to normal. On Sunday I should be working a 14 hour shift and I know I'm not up to that yet! I still get very tired and have some residual bowel problems from everything being so squashed inside! I'll go back next week knowing I've had a proper rest.
My illness has given me time to reflect on the journey so far. I am grateful to God that we have to have a frozen cycle while they test the embryos. If we were not doing this my cycle would have been cancelled as I would have been too unwell. Or if I had transferred before I became unwell it would have been a different story as early pregnancy makes OHSS much worse. Also I think I really needed an extra week off work. Although it's been hard I've had lots of time to read the bible and listen to worship music which has been great!
In other news all 8 of our embryos have been tested and frozen. We're just waiting for the results then I can phone the clinic and find out what I need to do for the frozen embryo transfer. I just need my monthly cycle to start first which is proving illusive due to the OHSS I think.

Still there!

After being convinced by the scientists that not all of our little blobs would make it to today(day 3) we started praying hard. For my own peace of mind I feel I need at least 5 to make it to testing on Saturday. I told God that in my prayer and he came through! All 8 are still there and looking good! I know that we will be left with just the right amount but the fact that the numbers haven't started dropping yet gives me hope! Which is what I need right now! I've included a picture of embryos at day 3, that's what our little blobs look like! You can see they have only got about 6 to 8 cells. When they test then they take out one or more complete cells. If they were to do that at this stage they would take 1/6 or 1/8 of the whole thing, hampering it's chances of transferring successfully. So they wait until they've grown to day 5 or 6 which is called the blastocyst stage and has many more cells. The embryologist reminded me that just because they've all made it to day 3 doesn't mean they'll all make it to day 5. But they weren't all suposed to make it this far so I'm now confident we should get a decent number to test. Will keep praying hard for our little blobs!

Numbers

My eggs were collected on Monday in preparation for our IVF treatment. I went in with 24 follicles but we only got 12 eggs. Yesterday I had a phonecall to tell me that only 8 had fertilised successfully. That means we have 8 embryos (we have nick named them blobs!) that need to develop enough cells to undergo the genetic testing we need. Today one of the ladies on the Facebook support group I'm part of posted that she had 21 eggs retrieved from 30 follicles. Everyone keeps telling me my numbers are really good but I found it really hard to congratulate her knowing my numbers are so low in comparison. Embryos have to get to day 5 for testing and it's unlikely a while batch will get there. We will have a phonecall tomorrow (day 3) to see how many have made it that far then again on Saturday (day 5) with numbers for testing. I know God is in control and that just the right amount of embryos have fertilised but I'm finding it hard to trust Him with such low numbers. I'm praying so hard for my 8 little blobs, I really believe we'll have something to transfer. This treatment has really taken it's toll on my body and I'm not sure I can put myself through it again. The nurse was saying before that if we get low numbers of embryos we might think about going straight into another cycle to bank embryos. But I feel that if we have anything to transfer we should. I also feel that if this cycle doesn't work out we should pursue adoption. But we get 3 funded cycles on the NHS so the sensible thing to do would be to use them. However I'm learning that God's will and the sensible thing to do don't always line up!

The big day

(Guest post by Neil)

Last time I posted on here, I talked about the Father’s Day card I received last year. The day has come round again, and I am hopefully on the eve of, in a sense, finally becoming a father – though not (yet) father of an actual child I can hold in my arms. For tomorrow is the day we have been building up to for the last few weeks: the day of egg (and sperm) collection. By the end of the day, if all goes according to plan, there will exist one or more embryos containing both my genetic material and Cara’s.

It’s been frustrating watching everything my wife has had to put herself through to get to this stage, and not being able to share in her suffering or take it away. I really do have it easy – I hardly have to do anything tomorrow, but she has to undergo a procedure under sedation. And just to put her body in the right condition for this to happen, she has had to inject herself in the stomach every day for the last 10 days, and put up with the bloated feeling and other physical effects (while still working shifts of up to 14 hours at a time).

But the good news is we know it’s all been worthwhile, because Cara’s scan on Friday showed that the drugs have done exactly what they were supposed to, and her ovaries have been working overtime to produce eggs for fertilisation. After that’s happened, Cara will have a well-deserved rest from drugs and scans until the time comes for implantation – probably in August. If that works, we will then be facing the very real prospect of becoming parents to an actual screaming, burping, waking-you-up-in-the-small-hours human being.

I mentioned before how God used last year’s Catalyst Festival to tell me that fatherhood was part of his plan for me, despite my misgivings about my own ability. This year, at the same event, he reassured me that I am a good father – not will be, but am, because that’s who he has made me. Parenthood is going to be massively hard work for both of us, probably harder than we can begin to imagine. But we’re made in God’s image, which I reckon makes us pretty good parents.

Feeling loved!

I started this week feeling (not thinking) quite isolated and alone in this journey. In my new job your not allowed to use your personal phone on shift and 14 hours without any support from outside has hugely contributed to my feelings of isolation. Coupled with stress and exhaustion and side effects from the nasal spray my emotions have been all over the place. All this left me feeling rather rubbish and I was beginning to feel unloved! Until today. I worked a sleep shift last night which meant a long day yesterday and getting home at 11 this morning. I came home to chocolate from my amazing hubby and the prospect of spending the afternoon with a friend. After a short rest I had a lovely afternoon with my friend and her kids. I got to have lots of baby cuddles which really helped focus my mind on why I'm putting myself through all of this! My injections start tonight so it was really nice to have some company and take my mind off things. Just as I was leaving she gave me some flowers, how lovely. The flowers especially have helped to line my feelings back up with my knowledge! I've taken a picture so that when those unloved feelings start to creep in I have a reminder of the truth! I am not alone and today has really helped remind me that there are people who love us and want to support us through our journey. Now I've just got to psych myself up to stick a needle in my stomach tonight!

Progress

We had our next IVF appointment this morning and it went swimmingly! We're all set to progress with the treatment cycle. If all goes as well as it has done so far we will be 'parents' of embryos in less than a month! It's really quite overwhelming when you put it like that! I'm very grateful to God for how smooth our journey has been so far. I still have a sense of peace about the whole thing but my feelings and emotions have been a bit haywire. It's a very strange feeling to be at peace but feeling so emotional and irrational at the same time. I take every little thing personally and feel like people are against me, even Neil! I know it's not true and is likely just a side effect but it takes it out of me feeling like this. I don't even know how to pray about it. But it will all be over soon and we can start on the adventure of embryo transfer and all that should come after that. I'm really grateful that all I have to deal with is lack of sleep and irrational emotions for a few days.

Catalyst

We have just returned from camping with others from our church at the Catalyst festival. In science a catalyst is an agent for change and that's exactly what this years festival was for my attitude to IVF. We found ourselves in the healing tent at one point and received prayer for this, and any necessary subsequent cycles of IVF. While we were being prayed for I felt a real sense of peace for the first time since we started this process. When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was a piece of paper saying freedom. That was perfect, I felt a real freedom from fear of miscarriage, failed cycles, side effects, injections, everything. I'm well aware that these things may still happen but for the first time none of it hold any fears for me. I have realised that it is possible to have difficulties in life without being riddled with anxiety and fear. After being prayed for I felt led to change the way I pray. Up till now I've been praying for help in the process and for the problems to ease. This time I prayed a prayer of thanks for our baby and for all the sleepless nights and tantrums we'll have to deal with! For me, the big take away statement is that God is God of the impossible. It may not be possible for us to naturally conceive but we have the God of the impossible on our side! In addition in one of the morning worship sessions I had a picture of God with babies playing at his feet. As I watched he picked up one of the babies and handed it to me saying "this is your child I have formed for you". It was a very profound moment and I felt like I saw the face of our child. Thankfully I was unaffected by side effects from my IVF nasal spray till this morning which is fine because I'm home now!

Callings and blessings

Yesterday we went to church with my in laws as we were staying with them for the weekend. The speaker spoke about responding to Gods calling on your life and also serving God in the season you are in. It struck me that this blog is my way of reaching out to others and serving God during this season of infertility. I pray I serve him well in this. Maybe my calling just now is to get alongside couples who are a few steps behind us on this journey.
I have been thinking a lot lately about just how God is blessing me through this season. It's hard to acknowledge blessings, small or otherwise, when the overriding desire of your heart remains elusive. As per previous posts I have been blessed with amazing miracles of healing but my blessings are more than just that. When I look back upon our journey I can see the grace of God at work in many ways I could not see at the time. Although we have had many heartbreaks and disappointments in our journey we have, thus far, been spared the pain of losing our child. I have struggled in the past to see that as a blessing, as strange as it may sound. I felt that my grief was misplaced or less than ladies who had suffered losses. I know now that it is a different type of grief and that we have been spared this pain by God. I have also been blessed with a great support network. We have been blessed with 3 cycles of IVF with PGD on the NHS. We could not pursue this of we lived in a country where we had to pay. I start my new job tomorrow which is a blessing. There are many more I'm sure!

A new language

I'm writing this post as some light relief in all this heaviness. Since starting on this journey we've really had to learn a new language! It feels like my life has been reduced to a series of initials and abbreviations. So, here is an account of our treatment written in the language of infertility:
We are having IVF via ICSI with PGD for a BT 13,15 at OFU. I start DR meds in 20 days and start stimming shortly after that. I will then have ER followed, after PGD testing by FET. Then I will commence the 2ww before I POAS hoping for a BFP not a BFN. I used to have PCOS but now I just have PCAO. If I had become pregnant naturally I would have had CVS and/or amnio.
I could go on but that's probably enough! I don't expect you to understand if you're not experienced in this journey, just trying to sprinkle a little humour on things!

Pain

What with the highs of our appointment and the healing miracles I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with the fact that infertility still causes me pain. The sting of childlessness is still ever present and if anything is more acute since finding out God is getting my body ready to carry a child. I'm still waiting for my monthly to start so I can phone the unit. Even when I phone my meds won't start till day 21 and we're probably looking at 4 months before we can implant an embryo. And it might not take first time. Before we started on the IVF road infertility was all about pain and no hope, now I have hope but still plenty of pain. I knew how to call with pain when that's all there was. Now, of I'm honest I feel like a bit of a fraud. Is it OK to still find it impossibly hard a lot of the time? Does it play down the hope from the miracles and IVF appointment success if I still get upset because I am childless? Is it acceptable to still find it difficult to be around parents and babies? I don't know the answers to these questions, just wish I could stop feeling like a fraud!

God's timing

Last summer we had three areas in our lives where we needed major breakthrough from God. Firstly we needed to move as our flat was in a really bad area and very moldy and damp and small. I needed to find a new job that didn't involve an hour and a half commute or have the same levels of stress and concern as my current job. Finally, and probably most obviously on this blog, we needed breakthrough in our infertility and to become parents! In my plan, fueled by worldly impatience, I imagined all three happening within weeks of each other. In my head, all three prayers being answered simultaneously would be my proof that God had not forgotten about us. It did not happen like that, can you imagine my stress levels if it did! I really thought I could move house, start a new job and be newly pregnant all at the same time! I now realised that God had not abandoned us and his timing and wisdom is perfect! We moved into a lovely flat in October last year. Next month I start a new job in a local Christian care charity. Finally, all being well with IVF we'll be ready to implant an embryo in August. I know this may not lead to a healthy pregnancy but at least I should be settled in my new job by the time I am pregnant. Looking back everything has happened at just the right time, or will happen at just the right time. I'm sure this won't stop me praying impatient prayers in the future but hopefully I can learn to better trust God's timing!

Miracles!

After rather scarily standing up in front of the whole church this morning and testifying to the miraculous healings that have taken place in my body in preparation for IVF, I thought I'd better post about them!
When we started this whole process nearly 2 years ago we both went through various diagnostic tests. Neil was found to be without issue. With me they found 3 issues that were likely to be contributing to our infertility. Firstly I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) for which I had 6 months worth of medication for but did not get pregnant. I have realised though that although I view the medication as unsuccessful it has left me with a regular cycle for the first time in years! Secondly, my internal scans showed my womb was an abnormal shape (it had a dip in it so was heart shaped rather than triangular) and I also had polyps. I had an operation to remove the polyps about a year ago and they said then the shape didn't need anything doing to it but it was another thing against us. Thirdly the tests confirmed I have a genetic balanced translocation of chromosomes 13 & 15 meaning any embryos I produce carry a high risk of not containing the right genetic material to be viable. We are having IVF with PGD to deal with this.
At our appointment last Monday I had a baseline scan. Amazingly the scan showed my womb now has a much smaller dip and is much more of a normal shape! In addition I no longer have PCOS apparently! The nurse said I have probably been misdiagnosed. I know I have been healed! Ever since being diagnosed I have been praying God would heal my PCOS. I always thought however that that healing would be confirmed with a positive pregnancy test. That's why this healing has been hard for me to acknowledge I think. The nurse actually said my ovaries were some of the best she'd seen! They appear polycystic because I naturally produce more follicles than normal. That stands me in great stead for IVF and means I shouldn't need a high dose of medication. An average baseline is 14-16 follicles, my baseline was 28 follicles! Going into this IVF I thought I had the shape of my womb and the PCOS going against me. Now I know the only issue is the genetic condition which is why we're doing IVF in the first place! Praise God for the way he's preparing my body for IVF! Soon I'll be able to announce the miracle of pregnancy, God willing.

All set!

We had our nurse planning consultation for IVF with PGD today. It couldn't have gone better! We now know all the details of our treatment plan and when things should happen. We need to wait for my next cycle to start then I can get going on the meds. All being well we should be implanting around August time. I'm writing this blog to process how I feel about it all, the truth is I'm relieved we can finally get going. At the same time I'm impatient to start as at the end of the day I'm still childless. But now we have real hope, hope with dates attached! There is a lot about today that was absolutely an answer to prayer so I give the glory back to God for that! I guess I'm still processing what went on and am happy but also emotionally drained! I expect there'll be more posts in the next few days!

An open letter to Mums of little ones from their friends struggling through infertility

Dear friend,
Firstly thank you for letting us enjoy time with your children. Seeing them grow and develop into little people gives us hope that miracles happen. Especially if you have had a difficult journey to parenthood, setting you with your kids brings joy to our hearts. Most of the time. There are inevitably times we'll struggle to see parents and children. Sometimes the pain of childlessness is too much to bear and it's easier to run and hide and isolate ourselves. Please don't be offended if we distance ourselves from you for a time but also please check in on us from time to time. The burden of infertility treatment weighs on our hearts in different ways each day. Sometimes it changes hourly! Sometimes we need to be alone to cry other times we need to be around busy, functioning families. Most of the time we just need a friend. Even if we seem low and your children are buzzing around you please don't feel like you can't be the one to ask if we're OK and offer a friendly hug. You might be the only one to offer and if you hold back because of your kids we end up feeling even more isolated. If we're finding it too much with your children around we will tell you. Infertility is a lonely isolating journey, you being willing to travel with us really helps. Please don't feel awkward around us with your kids, we feel awkward enough for the both of us! Please don't withdraw from us because you think it will sharpen the pain having kids around. It may do but just knowing someone still wants to be your friend speaks volumes. Let us be the ones to withdraw if we feel the need. The pain of infertility is ever present and sometimes we just need a bit of normality and fun to take our minds of things. Some of us are going through grueling treatments that take their toll on our bodies, minds and spirits. Please bear with us in this time, our emotions are often out of our control and some IVF meds cause us to experience menopausal symptoms which can be embarrassing. It's often at this time more than ever that we need fun and business.
Thank you friend for sharing in the ups and downs of our journey through infertility. We couldn't do it without you!
In love
Your friend. X

Easter threw me a curve ball!

Today is Easter Sunday. Christ is risen, hallelujah! Today is a really happy day! However, at church this morning I felt far from happy. I knew I should be happy, I am happy that I can share in Christ's resurrection life. But for me, in the moment, for some reason the sting of childlessness was more acute than it has been for a long time. As I was sat in church fighting back the tears it struck me that, at its heart, Easter is about hope and new life and I am putting my all into the hope that IVF will bring about new life for our family. I guess I found it hard because it's another celebration we have to face without children. I know we have hope in Christ and I know that we will be parents. But we're not now. I still had to laugh at other people's children wearing bunny ears. For whatever reason the pain of childlessness is particularly sharp today. It's just another day to wonder when it will be my turn. I didn't expect this today. On Sundays like mother's day and baby dedications and even Christmas I expect to feel the pain but I wasn't prepared to fell so upset today!

A strange turn of events

Today I started my monthly cycle. I was due on Friday making it 6 days late. Before I started fertility treatment I was far from regular and this would have been nothing unusual. For the past year however, since being on ovulation meds (clomid) and the 4 cycles since I stopped the meds I've been exactly 28 days (with only one blip of a 40 day cycle). You get very used to counting days on this journey! Because I was quite late considering my recent pattern, last night I took a pregnancy test. It was negative and I was surprised to find I was incredibly relieved! I've taken a fair few pregnancy tests in my time and normally I'm crushed when it's negative, but not this time. I've been reflecting on my feelings all day and have realised that, now we're approved for IVF, natural conception holds even more fear for me. Due to my genetic balanced translocation the chances of a natural conception ending in miscarriage or serious foetal abnormalities are much higher than average. Therefore if I was pregnant, and were came off the list for IVF, and then the pregnancy ended we'd have to go through everything again to get back on the list. If that's what we decided to do. All of this has made me realise that IVF may just be God's way of taking the fear of miscarriage out of my pregnancy. I have lived with the knowledge of my BT for most of my life and have always been scared of miscarrying. Naturally that fear has intensified during this journey. IVF is a way of managing the risk and reducing the fear. I still might miscarry but with the genetic risk removed my chances are similar to others. I can cope with that! Thank you God for IVF!

A hard path

I was never under any illusions that this journey with fertility treatment would be an easy road. However, recently I have realised how easy it could be to let the struggle harden my heart. Every time a friend announces a pregnancy or has a baby I can feel myself developing even more of a shell, my heart hardens. Even each month as my cycle starts and I have to face another month of disappointment hardens me up a little. It's a mechanism of self preservation really. It has struck me though that I don't have to live with this hardened heart. Each time I face a bump in the road of infertility I have a choice to make. I can choose to remain hard and protect myself or I can choose to feel the pain and trust God to protect me. I'm not saying I make the right choice every time but there is grace and forgiveness and I don't have to remain so hardened. Inevitably this process is going to change me, I just pray I change for the better.

Father's Day?

(Guest post by Neil)


Last year I received a Father’s Day card. That’s pretty remarkable, considering I’m not yet a father. It came via one of those websites that do personalised cards, and the front of it read “Neil will be an amazing Dad”. Of course it was from my wonderful wife (who also got me some rather nice beer). I still keep the card on my bedside table. Let me tell you the story behind it.
I had always assumed that I would have children one day, but it always seemed something for the distant future - I hadn’t really thought about what it would actually mean when it happened. As I got older and still hadn’t found “the one”, the idea of fatherhood faded into the background. After all, the older I was when I got married, presumably the older my wife would be, and the less likely we would be able to have children. In time I pretty much came to accept that I would never be a father, and concentrated on finding the person I would spend the rest of my life with.
God has a habit of doing the unexpected – I certainly never expected to marry  a woman 11 years younger than myself. Cara was still well within the normal age range for having a first child, and motherhood was unquestionably on her agenda. Frankly, this scared me; I could easily see her as a mother, but now it was a real possibility, I found it difficult to see myself as a father. After all, parenthood means taking full responsibility for another person’s life. How could I possibly manage that? We had several chats on the subject, and Cara assured me that everyone feels that way until the time comes. If I’m honest, I wasn’t very reassured.
Two years into our marriage we decided it was time to try. Cara has written elsewhere about the issues we have faced and are still facing, so I won’t repeat them here, but let’s just say it has been very difficult and we’re not at the end of the road yet. But a major turning point for me came last May at a Christian event called the Catalyst Festival. We had been to a seminar on adoption, and were both beginning to think that God might be taking us in that direction, when I received some prayer at one of the evening meetings. The person who prayed for me did not know me or anything about our situation. After asking me whether I was married and whether we had kids, he told me that God was saying I would be a father. He didn’t specify when, or indeed how – whether by natural birth, adoption, or perhaps in a less literal sense. But for the first time, I knew that fatherhood was part of God’s plan for me. And if it’s his plan, then he’ll equip me for the task.
Don’t get me wrong – the thought still scares me silly. But then God often asks us to do scary things. The difference is one of faith: now I’m more sure that it is his will, I have confidence that he is equipping me for the task – I know, as the card says, that I’ll be a fantastic Dad, because the greatest Dad of all will be with me. I can’t honestly say I have the same inbuilt desire to be a parent as Cara – I’m not sure any man does. But now, as we go through all the trials of infertility, IVF and possibly adoption, I’m not merely supporting Cara so that she can have her heart’s desire. I’m also pursuing my own destiny, and while I’m still scared, I also have peace. And I think, if you’re doing it right, that’s exactly what being a Christian is meant to be like.

Mother's day

I have spent mother's day doing a long day at work so have been playing with, cooking and cleaning for and generally looking after the guys here. Oh how my heart aches for the day when I can do those things for my own children. Will I ever receive a mother's day card from my own child? Mother's day during infertility is an interesting thing. On the one hand it's a painful reminder of what I long for but don't seem able to have. On the other hand it's a day to be thankful for the gift of motherhood and my own mother and others who have 'mothered' me over the years. It's also a time to give thanks for the children I will have. As the name of this blog reflects I know I am made to nurture and I have many opportunities to do that in this job. I am thankful for that outlet but it hurts that I cannot yet nurture my own children. So as I reflect on this mother's day I am thankful for mother's but sad that I am not one yet.
Happy mother's day everyone!

Being thankful

I know I've already posted here about thankfulness but it was baby thanksgivings at church this morning and the sermon was about being grateful. I spent most of the service in tears wondering when our turn to stand at the front and celebrate and give thanks for our children. I hate how this infertility struggle makes me so jealous! It's so hard to be thankful with others when my own pain is so present. But I went and I did thank God for those children. I realised actually that in all the pain I have become blind to the many gifts God has already given us! So here is a list:
We both have jobs that allow us to live and have treats.
We are now living in a much better flat and had lots of help to move.
Both our works are very understanding and accommodating with appointments etc.
We are both in good health (apart from the infertility!)
We have an amazingly supportive network of church friends.
We have received amazing support from other friends and our families.
We have people to have fun with and laugh with.
I have a great kitchen I can bake in!
I have just become a volunteer baker for a group that make cakes for kids so get to bake and decorate more cakes!
I have several relaxing hobbies I can choose from to help me chill out!
I can access a support network of fellow travelers on the road of infertility through the internet.
I have an amazing husband who loves me through all the trials even when I'm horrid to him!
I'm sure there's more but that will do for now. I am off course grateful for this blog and for the many people who pray for us off the back of what I write.

Trust verses understanding

"Trust the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 I came across this verse this week and it seemed to fit our situation just now. This was also the week when I discovered and became part of a large online community of women with similar diagnoses to mine. While it's great being able to talk to others going through the same things it has made me realise I understand much less than I thought about the genetic issue I have. I don't mind not really understanding but it underlines how much I need to trust God! If I was to lean on my own understanding I would fall down quickly and get hurt as there's nothing to lean on! So the only option left is to trust God!

The wrong sort of happy news

People keep telling me how great it is that we are going ahead with IVF, that we've made a decision, that we get three cycles. They keep saying how relieved and excited we must feel with our 'happy news'. However when it comes down to it I don't feel those things. Most of the time I just feel scared. And then I feel guilty for not being as happy as people seem to think I should be. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not regretting the decision. I'm still certain IVF is God's plan for us at this time. I still have peace about the decision we made. I'm very grateful to God that the appointment went so well and that we get three cycles. But I can't make myself feel happy about the fact that my journey to being pregnant is going to involve daily hormone injections, a general anaesthetic and an agonising 2 week wait for a positive pregnancy test. Possibly times three. At the end of the day it's the wrong type of 'happy news'. All through this whole struggle I have imagined myself telling my friends and family that I am pregnant and that that pregnancy has gone far enough for us to know it will result in a baby. So although impending IVF is an exciting and hope filled step towards this news it is not the happy news I want to be giving. And although I do now have tangible hope I still don't know for sure that I will ever be able to give that happy news.
I pray that my words here do not cause offence. I am very grateful for all the support I have received from friends and family. I write this blog as a way of processing my thoughts.

A journey begun

We saw our consultant this morning and he was so much nicer and more helpful than last month! He was able to give us satisfactory answers about the way they treat surplus embryos and was very reassorting about the whole process. We were able to have an informed decision and have decided to move forward with this and have IVF. Apparently the waiting list is not too bad so we should be able to get going in about 6 weeks. Because I have a genetic condition we can have 3 cycles on the NHS which gives me hope. Last month we came away from our appointment with the consultant feeling dejected and without hope. This month we came away full of hope and feeling much more positive. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed but kinda excited too. I'm under no illusions, IVF is going to be a trialling time but it is a stepping stone towards fulfilling my desire to be pregnant. I have been doing a bible study lately about biblical waiting, particularly in infertility. There was a section in that about straining your mind towards a goal. For us IVF is that, a way to actively wait for a pregnancy. I don't know where this road will take us but it finally feels like we are on the right track. All the fertility treatment till now hasn't worked for us and I really feel like God is going to use IVF as a helping hand for us. One final note. We both have to have blood tests to start the process and mine have to be at a particular time in my cycle so they can pick up certain hormones. Neil however had no such restrictions so had his bloods done today. After over a year of it always being me getting prodded and poked I can't tell you how nice it was to be waiting for Neil to be done with a test instead!

Decision made!

Tomorrow we have an appointment with my consultant. After much prayerful consideration and agonising over whether to go ahead with IVF I can finally say I have made my mind up and am at peace with the decision! We will be asking the consultant if it is possible to only fertilise the eggs they implant. We want to make sure that they are not disposing of unused fertilise embryos. If we are satisfied with the answer we will be going ahead with IVF at the earliest available opportunity. I am actually excited about this possibility and would go so far as to say IVF is God's plan for us at this time.
As well as feeling that God is calling us to IVF just now we know that adoption will play a major role in our becoming a family story. In all this decision making and stressing I thought I had to choose between IVF and adoption. It never occurred to me that God could actually use both to build our family! It wasn't until I took some time out and actually listened to God that I realised this was an option. We can't do both at once but we can decide to adopt after we have tried IVF. I'm not ready to give up on the possibility of being pregnant yet. And that's OK!

A decision of sorts

Our appointment where we have to decide whether to have IVF is a week today. We're going away for the weekend so we decided to make our minds up before we go. As I've been working loads we had a discussion last night where we talked about our final decision. We made our minds up. We decided last night to go ahead with IVF and also that adoption would feature somewhere in our future. Last night I had peace with that decision and felt sure that IVF is what God has planned for us next. Last night I was almost excited about doing IVF. Last night. Today I feel emotionally drained and have no peace at all with the decision we've made! Of it really was the right decision for us why do I feel so bad? I have, therefore made a secondary decision. Our appointment is not to Wednesday so I have decided to take the pressure off and leave the final decision till Tuesday. We had decided to not think about IVF while away for the weekend which is why we were going to make our minds up before. I have realised today that we can still not think about it and make our minds up next week! Just writing this all down had helped me process things and have peace with not making my mind up just yet. I know God has a good plan for our journey with infertility and I know that I will have peace with the decision at the right time.

Learning to park my pain

Last night our dear friend had a baby boy so they are now a three child family. I am extremely happy for them and genuinely look forward to meeting the little fellow. At the same time I dread it! I have been writing this post in my head for weeks. I was very aware that writing a blog post would be the best way to deal with the depth of feeling this news brings given the journey I am on. I have been dealing with feelings of jealousy and bitterness throughout her pregnancy but now she has had the baby I don't really know what to feel. I have been in London on training all day so have not really had time to process all my feelings. Is funny how it's possible to feel joy for someone else at the same time as feeling like you're drowning in your own pain. We are nearing our deadline for IVF decision making so I think my longing for a baby is all the more raw just now. I pray that when I do meet the baby I will be able to park my pain and show how happy I am for them. It's just an all to real reminder of the major unfulfilled desire of my heart! I'm angry at God if I'm honest. I don't understand why some people have many children and we so ache for just one. I am not begrudging those people those children and I know that many people including the couple in question here go through so much pain and heartache in their journey to parenthood. But they are getting pregnant, they get to feel baby move inside them, they get to be Mummy, and Daddy. Is it too much to ask for us to have the same? When will it be our turn?

Messy day

Today began with me shouting at Neil over something ridiculously trivial and I don't seem able to control my emotions. The word at church was about having the power of God so we can resist the devil, which seems to fit with where I am right now. I don't know why today particularly but I really do feel like I am a mess just over having to decide if IVF is the right path for us. Does this mean I'm not strong enough to go through the treatment? Or is it just part of the pressure of the decision? I don't really know what to write here I just felt I needed to write a post to try to make sense of it all. Tomorrow I have to support a friend to do something really tough. How am I supposed to do that when my own emotional life is in such turmoil? I know I can do it and I know I will do it I just need to write down the questions in my heart. Sunday mornings are always tough at the moment as there are a few very pregnant women at church, one of whom I know well, so things always feel a bit raw. But today was particularly hard. I think it's partly because I feel like I've decided and am now just killing time. I didn't expect my journey to becoming pregnant to involve such heartache. I just don't feel human at the moment, I can't wait for the decision to be made one way or another, then I can start to live again! I apologise for the negativity in this post, I'm simply being real to where I am today. This blog is my way of sorting out my feelings. I know that I need to pray about all of this and I will, I am, I just need to rant first! All this indecision and the emotional nature of the issues we face is turning me into a horrible jealous woman a lot of the time. I wish I didn't have to pray just to appear nice and in control! But I do and I think I will do for quite some time! Now to invest some time in me and do something fun!

We are not alone

Have recently been blessed with amazing support from friends and families as well as reminders that God had not forgotten us in or struggle. So it feels right to acknowledge all the support and reminders by writing about it here.
Firstly, a few weeks ago Neil's Mum attended an event at her church where the speaker brought a word of knowledge about a couple who have been married for nearly 5 years and have been trying about 2 years for a baby. That pretty much sums us up. Nobody responded so Neil's Mum went forward on our behalf and we were prayed for. No big revelations but it's nice to know Good had not forgotten us!
Secondly we have been very blessed to receive some great pastoral support from our church. We were able to meet up with the couple giving us pastoral support the Monday after the Friday of our disappointing appointment to pay things through and debrief a bit. Great help!
The lovely comments and support I have got from recent Facebook posts and this blog have been really helpful. Just to know people are thinking of us is really nice. And to know that others who have been there in the past have felt some of the things I am feeling is helping to make me feel like less of a horrible person!
I was able to have a chat with my managers about working around IVF should we go down that road. It's great to know that I don't need to worry about work.
Finally, I want to express thanks for what happened at church yesterday. I attended HOPE which is a church meeting for people with learning disabilities. None of the service users came but that was the best thing that could happen. The guy leading it was beautifully obedient to God and brought a word about how we should support each other in the team. So we had a great time of worship and ministering to each other. I received some much needed prayer and offers of practical support.
Overwhelmingly aware that we are not alone.

Healthy body, healthy mind

If you have been following my Facebook posts recently you will know I have taken up running. Now that I have found a way of pacing myself and building up my stamina it is a really enjoyable past time. I am finding that as I am wrestling with this IVF decision going for a run is a great way of clearing my head and relieving stress. I have had a lot of advice about taking up running and people have told me it works well if you have a goal. I have found that, for me a distance or race goal doesn't motivate me. Inevitably, my main goal in life is to be Mum! I realised while out running this morning that I can make that work for running too! So my goal is to make sure my mind and body are as healthy and vibrant as possible. It is a way I can take control of preparing myself for motherhood in whatever way it happens for us! The way I see it I am making sure my body is as fit as possible to cope with pregnancy and/or IVF if we go down that road or to cope with the physical aspects of adopting. The mood boost I get from running also means I'm taking control of preparing myself for the emotional toll of whatever road we take. I also find I can pray more easily after a run. Win win!

The art of being thankful

In recent months I have been challenged to give thanks as a way of life. So, after the trauma of yesterday I've decided to make a list of 10 things to be thankful for from yesterday:
1. I am thankful I have a God who loves me and values me and wants only good things for me.
2. I am thankful I have a husband who loves me and values me and wants only good things for me.
3 I am thankful Neil could get the whole morning off and we had time to debrief together.
4. I am thankful for the other couples in the waiting room, a reminder we are not the only ones going through this.
5. I am thankful that I had a bit of time before work but also that I could work all evening and today, a useful distraction.
6. I am thankful that I was on with a sympathetic colleague last night who was willing to listen and even give me a hug despite having to step out of her comfort zone to do so.
7. I am thankful for one of the ladies I support who spent the entire evening saying "I love you so much".
8. I am thankful there was chocolate cake at work.
9. I am thankful for supportive family and friends.
10. I am thankful for this blog and the sensitivity with which is been received.