Lately I've been really struggling with the tension of feeling like a burden and wanting to be a good friend and support my friends like they have supported me. I know I have huge room for improvement in this area. I hope this post will act as an apology and explain why I may come across as a self involved, rubbish friend sometimes.
All my life I've struggled with a fear of rejection and failure. I've also always struggled in social situations, particularly where I don't know what's expected of me or don't have a model of what is accepted behaviour in that situation. This means I often withdraw our stock to what I know and what is comfortable and familiar. I know this can appear rude.
Since struggling with infertility and baby loss/failed adoption this struggle has been magnified as I've often felt very sad or uncomfortable if surrounded by people who have what I so desire. It's also been harder as the years add up as I feel like people must think I'm just attention seeking and never happy. It's often hard to balance my happiness for others and my sadness for myself. I know people must think I'm rubbish and only think about myself. I hardly ever ask people how they are doing as I'm so scared they will reject me or just say I don't care. I really do care and I'm so sorry that my pain and fear have got in the way of some really good friendships. I know I've lost some really good friendships due to this over the years, and recently and this makes me very, very sad.
I want to say to these friends I have grown apart from, I am sorry. I also want to say I really do care although I know it looks like I don't. I do pray for you often and care about what is going on with you even though it must seem as though I am only wrapped up in my own stuff.
I know my social awkwardness and my ongoing pain and sadness has alienated people and meant people have pulled back from me. I pray I can be a much kinder and better friend and benefit from restored relationships maybe.
I'm also struggling with my relationship with God at the moment. I feel like a burden on everyone including God. Fertility wise I feel like all I'm coming up against is unanswered prayer. How is that a God who cares? However, I don't feel able to talk to anyone about this, partly due to my fear of rejection, but also due to feeling like a constant burden. I need to get to a place where I can pray for myself and believe he can answer.
I need to get to a place where I can pray to God to help me be a better friend. I need to get to a place where I don't feel so lonely.
I am sorry to the friends who have, understandably, withdrawn from me both recently and in the past. I will try to be a better friend. And I will make an effort to ask 'how are you doing?' and not talk about me.