A journey begun

We saw our consultant this morning and he was so much nicer and more helpful than last month! He was able to give us satisfactory answers about the way they treat surplus embryos and was very reassorting about the whole process. We were able to have an informed decision and have decided to move forward with this and have IVF. Apparently the waiting list is not too bad so we should be able to get going in about 6 weeks. Because I have a genetic condition we can have 3 cycles on the NHS which gives me hope. Last month we came away from our appointment with the consultant feeling dejected and without hope. This month we came away full of hope and feeling much more positive. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed but kinda excited too. I'm under no illusions, IVF is going to be a trialling time but it is a stepping stone towards fulfilling my desire to be pregnant. I have been doing a bible study lately about biblical waiting, particularly in infertility. There was a section in that about straining your mind towards a goal. For us IVF is that, a way to actively wait for a pregnancy. I don't know where this road will take us but it finally feels like we are on the right track. All the fertility treatment till now hasn't worked for us and I really feel like God is going to use IVF as a helping hand for us. One final note. We both have to have blood tests to start the process and mine have to be at a particular time in my cycle so they can pick up certain hormones. Neil however had no such restrictions so had his bloods done today. After over a year of it always being me getting prodded and poked I can't tell you how nice it was to be waiting for Neil to be done with a test instead!

Decision made!

Tomorrow we have an appointment with my consultant. After much prayerful consideration and agonising over whether to go ahead with IVF I can finally say I have made my mind up and am at peace with the decision! We will be asking the consultant if it is possible to only fertilise the eggs they implant. We want to make sure that they are not disposing of unused fertilise embryos. If we are satisfied with the answer we will be going ahead with IVF at the earliest available opportunity. I am actually excited about this possibility and would go so far as to say IVF is God's plan for us at this time.
As well as feeling that God is calling us to IVF just now we know that adoption will play a major role in our becoming a family story. In all this decision making and stressing I thought I had to choose between IVF and adoption. It never occurred to me that God could actually use both to build our family! It wasn't until I took some time out and actually listened to God that I realised this was an option. We can't do both at once but we can decide to adopt after we have tried IVF. I'm not ready to give up on the possibility of being pregnant yet. And that's OK!

A decision of sorts

Our appointment where we have to decide whether to have IVF is a week today. We're going away for the weekend so we decided to make our minds up before we go. As I've been working loads we had a discussion last night where we talked about our final decision. We made our minds up. We decided last night to go ahead with IVF and also that adoption would feature somewhere in our future. Last night I had peace with that decision and felt sure that IVF is what God has planned for us next. Last night I was almost excited about doing IVF. Last night. Today I feel emotionally drained and have no peace at all with the decision we've made! Of it really was the right decision for us why do I feel so bad? I have, therefore made a secondary decision. Our appointment is not to Wednesday so I have decided to take the pressure off and leave the final decision till Tuesday. We had decided to not think about IVF while away for the weekend which is why we were going to make our minds up before. I have realised today that we can still not think about it and make our minds up next week! Just writing this all down had helped me process things and have peace with not making my mind up just yet. I know God has a good plan for our journey with infertility and I know that I will have peace with the decision at the right time.

Learning to park my pain

Last night our dear friend had a baby boy so they are now a three child family. I am extremely happy for them and genuinely look forward to meeting the little fellow. At the same time I dread it! I have been writing this post in my head for weeks. I was very aware that writing a blog post would be the best way to deal with the depth of feeling this news brings given the journey I am on. I have been dealing with feelings of jealousy and bitterness throughout her pregnancy but now she has had the baby I don't really know what to feel. I have been in London on training all day so have not really had time to process all my feelings. Is funny how it's possible to feel joy for someone else at the same time as feeling like you're drowning in your own pain. We are nearing our deadline for IVF decision making so I think my longing for a baby is all the more raw just now. I pray that when I do meet the baby I will be able to park my pain and show how happy I am for them. It's just an all to real reminder of the major unfulfilled desire of my heart! I'm angry at God if I'm honest. I don't understand why some people have many children and we so ache for just one. I am not begrudging those people those children and I know that many people including the couple in question here go through so much pain and heartache in their journey to parenthood. But they are getting pregnant, they get to feel baby move inside them, they get to be Mummy, and Daddy. Is it too much to ask for us to have the same? When will it be our turn?

Messy day

Today began with me shouting at Neil over something ridiculously trivial and I don't seem able to control my emotions. The word at church was about having the power of God so we can resist the devil, which seems to fit with where I am right now. I don't know why today particularly but I really do feel like I am a mess just over having to decide if IVF is the right path for us. Does this mean I'm not strong enough to go through the treatment? Or is it just part of the pressure of the decision? I don't really know what to write here I just felt I needed to write a post to try to make sense of it all. Tomorrow I have to support a friend to do something really tough. How am I supposed to do that when my own emotional life is in such turmoil? I know I can do it and I know I will do it I just need to write down the questions in my heart. Sunday mornings are always tough at the moment as there are a few very pregnant women at church, one of whom I know well, so things always feel a bit raw. But today was particularly hard. I think it's partly because I feel like I've decided and am now just killing time. I didn't expect my journey to becoming pregnant to involve such heartache. I just don't feel human at the moment, I can't wait for the decision to be made one way or another, then I can start to live again! I apologise for the negativity in this post, I'm simply being real to where I am today. This blog is my way of sorting out my feelings. I know that I need to pray about all of this and I will, I am, I just need to rant first! All this indecision and the emotional nature of the issues we face is turning me into a horrible jealous woman a lot of the time. I wish I didn't have to pray just to appear nice and in control! But I do and I think I will do for quite some time! Now to invest some time in me and do something fun!

We are not alone

Have recently been blessed with amazing support from friends and families as well as reminders that God had not forgotten us in or struggle. So it feels right to acknowledge all the support and reminders by writing about it here.
Firstly, a few weeks ago Neil's Mum attended an event at her church where the speaker brought a word of knowledge about a couple who have been married for nearly 5 years and have been trying about 2 years for a baby. That pretty much sums us up. Nobody responded so Neil's Mum went forward on our behalf and we were prayed for. No big revelations but it's nice to know Good had not forgotten us!
Secondly we have been very blessed to receive some great pastoral support from our church. We were able to meet up with the couple giving us pastoral support the Monday after the Friday of our disappointing appointment to pay things through and debrief a bit. Great help!
The lovely comments and support I have got from recent Facebook posts and this blog have been really helpful. Just to know people are thinking of us is really nice. And to know that others who have been there in the past have felt some of the things I am feeling is helping to make me feel like less of a horrible person!
I was able to have a chat with my managers about working around IVF should we go down that road. It's great to know that I don't need to worry about work.
Finally, I want to express thanks for what happened at church yesterday. I attended HOPE which is a church meeting for people with learning disabilities. None of the service users came but that was the best thing that could happen. The guy leading it was beautifully obedient to God and brought a word about how we should support each other in the team. So we had a great time of worship and ministering to each other. I received some much needed prayer and offers of practical support.
Overwhelmingly aware that we are not alone.