Angry

Am just back from a really good time meeting with God with lots of other women from church. Are some lovely cake, heard some great testimonies and worshipped my God. I also did some serious business with God. I realised that I am angry at God for the failed cycle. I also realised that that's OK and that he is big enough to take it and still loves me despite the anger. I realised that he gives me grace to work that anger through. I also realised that this embryo being transferred on Thursday may or may not stick but certainly won't mean we're done grieving the one we lost. I realised that's OK too! I also realised that I'm really struggling to relate to God as a faithful father who keeps his promises. I know it's true but it's not my reality right now. He has promised me a baby and a pregnancy and the closest chance I had failed. I know it's not over and that his timing is perfect but if I'm completely honest I can't understand why we had to lose that baby. I know all this will pass and I pray that I can have hope for the next one on Thursday. I need to trust in God even when I don't feel like it!

We lost a baby

Before I start writing this post I want to say something to those of you reading this who have suffered miscarriage or infant loss. This post is a voice for my pain in the wake of our failed frozen embryo transfer. I pray that you don't feel I am minimising the pain of losing a baby. I know I've lost an embryo not an actual baby but it still hurts, this is an outlet for that pain.

We lost a baby. Ok so it didn't have a face, name, personality or even a heartbeat. But just over a month ago a tiny blob of cells that shared mine and hubby's DNA was shot down a catheter into my womb. We watched on the ultrasound screen as a small white flash appeared on the scan of my uterus. There then followed a week and a half of relaxation and feeling twinges and little feelings of sickness. During that time we both really started to believe it had worked. We started talking to the blob and making plans for the future, we even worked out the due date. 11 days after the white flash on the screen, we found ourselves staring at a negative pregnancy test in my parents' bathroom. We were crushed. I then had to break the news to my parents and hubby to his. It felt awful having to tell them they weren't going to be grandparents yet. Due to a very delayed period I ended up taking 5 more tests and had to have a blood pregnancy test over the following couple of weeks. They were all negative. Each negative test chipped another bit of hope off my soul. We are currently just a week away from trying again with another of our frozen embryos which helps give hope that our dreams of parenthood will be realised. But it's important to grieve the baby we've lost. We've actually lost 3 of the original 8 embryos that were created as 2 of them came back from the genetic tests as abnormal. I have grieved for those 2 but at the end of the day if they had gone into my womb I would have lost them in miscarriage. With this transfer I had life in my uterus even if only for a few days. That blob of cells had all the genetic information to create a baby that was biologically mine and Neil's. That blob had the potential to grow into our son or daughter. With all those negative pregnancy tests that potential child died. We lost a baby.

Emotions and perseverance

My IVF experience has been hit by even more bumps in the road this week. My first attempt at having one of our genetically normal frozen embryos put back failed according to home pregnancy tests. On Tuesday we had an appointment with our consultant to discuss the failed cycle and next steps. However, as I had not started my period the doctor told me it couldn't say it has failed yet. I did a natural transfer with no medication so should have started my period on time or soon after. Tuesday I was already 12 days late. So I had blood taken for a pregnancy test to be done in the lab. Because the Dr was not convinced the cycle has failed he refused to talk next steps. He phoned me the following day with the results. The test was negative, the cycle had definitely failed. I was disappointed but also relieved. The Dr had said that if urine tests are negative but blood positive it's likely to be something like an ectopic pregnancy. So on Wednesday on the phone the Dr told me I could get some medication to start my period and also get some medication to do a short medicated frozen transfer. This was great news. A regular medicated cycle takes 2 1/2 months. I've been told my next cycle needs to be medicated due to the lateness of my period. I feel sure God has told me I'll have another embryo in before Christmas so I was happy to hear there was a short option. It takes around 3 weeks. So I'd gone from disappointment to hope and happiness. I was also anxious about doing a medicated cycle as I didn't react well to the medicine I was on before. This medication is different though so I was willing to try it. That was Wednesday. On Thursday I phoned the clinic and spoke to a nurse. She said that as the medication needed to be stated on day 2 of my period there wouldn't be time to get the medication to me. She was convinced my period was about to start. She said I'd have to wait till January due to Christmas closures. I was crushed. She then said she was concerned I may have a cyst stopping my period from coming. She told me if my period still had not come by Monday to make an appointment for a scan. She then threw me a morsel of hope. She said if I went in for scan they could sort me out meds to transfer before Christmas! She phoned back 10 mins later saying she was sufficiently concerns to book me in for scan on Tuesday. That was Thursday. On Friday my period started! I felt pretty disappointed as it seemed I wouldn't be able to get meds in time and would have to wait till January. I called the clinic and spoke to the same nurse. She was so nice and eager to help me. So she fast tracked my meds prescription and talked me through the process. I'd gone from disappointment to hope and happiness in a matter of hours! So yesterday, Saturday my meds were delivered and I started taking them. I have to take a combination of tablets and injection. Unfortunately I have not reacted well to the medication. Had a night of nausea and very little sleep. Reading up on side effects I think it's all normal but I hope it eases up. I can't live like this for very long. I only have to inject for a week but have to take the tablets for longer. I'm learning through all this different ways to pray. I'm now praying for power to persevere and endure and also for side effects to be relieved. I praise God for the opportunity to try again before Christmas. I've been through so many emotions this week I've been grateful of the opportunity to rest today. I had to call in sick and have spent the day on the sofa and in bed. God is meeting my needs in unconventional ways!
Yesterday we also went to the Fertility show in London. It was good but more relevant to people self funding or earlier in the process than us. It made us immensely grateful to God for our 3 NHS funded cycles! We went to a seminar on coping strategies which was really helpful. It actually made us realise we are coping remarkably well!
I'm starting to recover from all my crazy emotions this week and just praying that the side effects will ease off so I can get on with my life! I need to remember that, particularly for me, emotional turmoil almost always causes physical symptoms. I'm asking God for respite from that!

We are 1 in 6

This week is national fertility awareness week and this year they are highlighting the statistic that 1 in 6 couples have a difficult journey to parenthood. This post is my contribution to raising awareness.
For the past 3 years or more we've been immersed in the world of 1 in 6 and have had immense support from friends and family. I want to take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you for supporting us even when you don't understand what we're going through. Thank you for giving us time and space, especially recently, to grieve the loss of our embryo. Thank you for standing with us as we grieve and struggle on. Thank you for supporting us through our IVF treatment even if you may not agree with it in principle yourself. Thank you for putting up with our outbursts of ugly crying or irrational arguments. Thank you for not judging us. Thank you for believing with us that we will be parents. Thank you for listening to me when all I can talk about is my menstural cycle (particularly if you're male!). Thank you for hugs, flowers, cards and prayers. Thank you for having conversations with us when we had decisions to make about different types of treatment. Thank you for supporting us in practical ways with meals, lifts and company. Thank you for being there for us despite your own circumstances, I hope we can be there for you too. Thank you for being in this with us for the long haul. Thank you for loving us, we couldn't do this without you!