Catalyst

We have just returned from camping with others from our church at the Catalyst festival. In science a catalyst is an agent for change and that's exactly what this years festival was for my attitude to IVF. We found ourselves in the healing tent at one point and received prayer for this, and any necessary subsequent cycles of IVF. While we were being prayed for I felt a real sense of peace for the first time since we started this process. When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was a piece of paper saying freedom. That was perfect, I felt a real freedom from fear of miscarriage, failed cycles, side effects, injections, everything. I'm well aware that these things may still happen but for the first time none of it hold any fears for me. I have realised that it is possible to have difficulties in life without being riddled with anxiety and fear. After being prayed for I felt led to change the way I pray. Up till now I've been praying for help in the process and for the problems to ease. This time I prayed a prayer of thanks for our baby and for all the sleepless nights and tantrums we'll have to deal with! For me, the big take away statement is that God is God of the impossible. It may not be possible for us to naturally conceive but we have the God of the impossible on our side! In addition in one of the morning worship sessions I had a picture of God with babies playing at his feet. As I watched he picked up one of the babies and handed it to me saying "this is your child I have formed for you". It was a very profound moment and I felt like I saw the face of our child. Thankfully I was unaffected by side effects from my IVF nasal spray till this morning which is fine because I'm home now!

Callings and blessings

Yesterday we went to church with my in laws as we were staying with them for the weekend. The speaker spoke about responding to Gods calling on your life and also serving God in the season you are in. It struck me that this blog is my way of reaching out to others and serving God during this season of infertility. I pray I serve him well in this. Maybe my calling just now is to get alongside couples who are a few steps behind us on this journey.
I have been thinking a lot lately about just how God is blessing me through this season. It's hard to acknowledge blessings, small or otherwise, when the overriding desire of your heart remains elusive. As per previous posts I have been blessed with amazing miracles of healing but my blessings are more than just that. When I look back upon our journey I can see the grace of God at work in many ways I could not see at the time. Although we have had many heartbreaks and disappointments in our journey we have, thus far, been spared the pain of losing our child. I have struggled in the past to see that as a blessing, as strange as it may sound. I felt that my grief was misplaced or less than ladies who had suffered losses. I know now that it is a different type of grief and that we have been spared this pain by God. I have also been blessed with a great support network. We have been blessed with 3 cycles of IVF with PGD on the NHS. We could not pursue this of we lived in a country where we had to pay. I start my new job tomorrow which is a blessing. There are many more I'm sure!

A new language

I'm writing this post as some light relief in all this heaviness. Since starting on this journey we've really had to learn a new language! It feels like my life has been reduced to a series of initials and abbreviations. So, here is an account of our treatment written in the language of infertility:
We are having IVF via ICSI with PGD for a BT 13,15 at OFU. I start DR meds in 20 days and start stimming shortly after that. I will then have ER followed, after PGD testing by FET. Then I will commence the 2ww before I POAS hoping for a BFP not a BFN. I used to have PCOS but now I just have PCAO. If I had become pregnant naturally I would have had CVS and/or amnio.
I could go on but that's probably enough! I don't expect you to understand if you're not experienced in this journey, just trying to sprinkle a little humour on things!