Family of two

Last year was really tough with the failed adoption and dealing with that. This year we wanted a positive experience, something different.
Today is Blob Day, the day or embryos were created when we did IVF. Instead of being sad that none of our blobs got to become babies I thought I'd record some of the fun stuff we've done this year as a family of fun.

1. We met an alpaca and took him for a walk 😀
2. We had a lovely holiday staying in a little cottage in Stratford-upon-Avon.
3. We celebrated our pottery wedding anniversary at the potteries in Stoke.
4. We went to see a play in the West end and visited the science museum on the way home.
5. We went on a Latin American Street food cookery course.
6. We discovered a local art cafe in a little village nearby.
7. We went out for dinner in a posh pub in Henley.
8. We have had dates in the cinema.
9. We went to an art exhibition based around trees, something very special to us.
10. We've learnt some new games suited to two players.

We're only halfway through the year so I'm sure this list will grow. We already have a few things planned!

Pancake Day

Today, and everyday at the moment, is pancake Day for me. Yes I know I'm a few months late for shrove Tuesday! But my overwhelming feeling just now is numbness. I feel flat as a pancake!

I've been trying to work out why. After last year's trauma with the adoption falling apart and dealing with that we decided we'd have a year of really trying hard to get pregnant naturally. And I mean trying hard! Today is the first of June and I have taken 5 pregnancy tests this year so far. They have all been negative. And what's more the last two months my cycle has been over a week late and in that week of maybe I've had early pregnancy symptoms. This is a cruel journey. This really is our last attempt to have a family, we've tried everything else. I think the flatness comes from knowing we're pretty much half way through the year and no closer to having a baby. Each negative test chips another bit of my heart away.

In addition I'm in a very stressful season at work and don't know when it will ease. Everyday I feel frazzled and like I'm drowning in everything that's going on. I don't really know how to stay afloat. I am trying to prioritize self care but it's a really difficult season. This doesn't help.

All this stress had taken it's toll. We are in a season of having to work hard at our marriage. We're doing ok but with me constantly stressed everything is hard work. And my relationship with God is in a similar state. I try but I'm finding it hard to believe in a good God who wants only good things for me. I know that is the truth but when your daily reality is difficulty and stress it's hard to translate knowledge into belief.

So I am feeling flat as a pancake.