When will this get easier?

I hate what infertility and miscarriage does to me. I hate that it makes me feel like a horrible person. I was on the tea and coffee rota at church this morning so had to be in a particular place. While I was stood at the back of the hall serving a new Mum came and sat down next to where I was standing and feed her brand new baby. Obviously then people started coming and talking to her and cooing over the little girl. I couldn't help but hear what people were saying and see how people gravitated towards them with a smile. I managed a quick glance and a smile but couldn't bring myself to say anything. My heart was breaking. I so want it to be me people are congratulating. I managed 5 minutes of forcing myself to smile through the tears and serve the tea and coffee. Eventually though it was too much. I said I needed to go to the bathroom and ran off. Once safely locked in a cubicle I burst into tears and had a good cry. This ordeal has the potential to turn me into a horrid bitter women. I'm trying really hard not to go down that road. I'm trying to let God use me in my weakness and brokenness but sometimes it's just too much. Of course right now I have a painful physical reminder that I'm no longer pregnant which doesn't help. I feel like I have failed this morning. I feel like as our miscarriage was weeks ago I should be strong enough to deal with new babies by now. Please note the I feels. I do not think these things. I wish my ache for a baby want so raw it interrupts my daily living. But it is and I just have to get on with it I guess!

Tough day

Today has been a day full of pain both emotional and physical. It's probably been the hardest day since my surgery. Why has today been so tough? Well today was the start of my first period since my miscarriage. Physically it's different to what I'm used to, heavier and a lot more painful. This is normal apparently. Emotionally it's been like experiencing all the feelings all over again. As well as the physical symptoms being more intense in guessing a lot of what I'm feeling is due to the emotional symptoms also being more intense.
On Saturday we'll be celebrating being married for 6 years and also going to the wedding of a friend. Both happy things. However, I'm really struggling as Saturday approaches. All through this journey I've wanted to be pregnant for special occasions, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, that kind of thing. When we got the positive in December I thought I'd cover them all. Managed to be pregnant for Christmas but then it all ended. I thought then that I'd be 15 weeks pregnant by our wedding anniversary this year. I'm now approaching that wedding anniversary with a bodily reminder that I'm no longer pregnant. I've also always wanted to attend a wedding pregnant. I'm back at square one and really sad about that.
This all feels like such a struggle. After years of struggling I finally got pregnant then I miscarried. Right now I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on. I know God loves me and uses everything for good but how can there be any good in this? My prayer is that someone reading this blog finds it helpful.
Miscarriage and infertility are battles that I think need to be talked about more. Tommy's, the charity that supports people with baby loss among other things is currently running a #miscourage campaign. I've decided I'm going to add my story to their cause. I need a few days to gather my thoughts but wanted to commit myself to writing it here. Have included that commitment in this post as a way of focusing on what might be something good (sharing my story) on such a rubbish day.

Pain gets in the way

As I was walking home today I noticed a slightly harassed looking woman pushing a buggy coming the opposite way on the pavement. The baby in the buggy was really screaming. When I saw her I felt strongly that when we passed I needed to say to her "you're doing a good job". I don't know but I have a feeling this urge came from God. However, she was far enough away that I had time to think about whether I'd say it or not, and as I was thinking my pain got in the way of me being obedient to God. Instead of thinking how I would bless this stranger I started to get jealous that it wasn't me looking harassed and pushing a screaming baby. I was thinking all about me and getting cross at God again that the miscarriage meant my one chance to date at having a baby slipped through my fingers. With all that going on when we did pass I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Instead I consciously made eye contact and smiled at her. She half smiled back but probably wasn't as blessed as she would have been had I said the words. I wanted to at least show her somebody cared by smiling and noticing her. Don't feel like it's enough though.
I actually thought I was doing OK with all this. Oh well, I'm not going to beat myself up about this. I'll take it to God, receive grace and try better next time!

My Motherhood Challenge

Recently social media has been full of posts celebrating motherhood. People are nominated to post photos (sometimes 3, sometimes 5) that some up for them what it means to be a mother. As an infertility blogger and a recent miscarriage survivor I've decided to write a post in response to what is known as the Motherhood Challenge.

Firstly, let me explain my feelings when I see these posts. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people celebrate the gift of motherhood and I enjoy seeing pictures of other people's kids. For whatever reason this gift is being withheld from me for the time being but that doesn't mean I can't be happy that others get to revel in that gift. However, unsurprisingly these posts cause me pain. I was pregnant after four years of infertility, I thought I'd finally get the gift of motherhood. Now that's been taken away from me. When I see others celebrating being Mum I can't help but feel jealous and sad that I'm excluded from that joy for now. These posts also make me think of those who are mothers but who struggle to find anything to celebrate in their motherhood. Those whose children do not live with them, those with children with challenging special needs, those who have lost children, or mothers. I know my pain is vastly different but I feel a kind of kinship with these women.

My Motherhood Challenge is very real. For me the challenge is becoming a mother in the first place. My challenge involves difficult ethical decisions, uncomfortable procedures, needles, hospitalisation, artificial hormones, pessaries, suppositories, mood swings, ovulation tests, negative cycles, many internal scans, monthly grief and so many complicated emotions. As a carer for adults with learning disabilities my daily work is very maternal. So for me my Motherhood Challenge also involves longing to do the things I do for my clients for my own children.

As the Motherhood Challenge is about photos I've taken 5 images that represent my Motherhood Challenge. The first is a tree from which hangs 4 paper stars we made. Each one represents an embryo we've lost, through abnormal genetics, negative cycle or miscarriage. The second is a glass I painted, the big star is for the miscarriage and there are 7 more signifying all 8 of our embryos. The 3rd is just a tiny proportion of the paperwork we've had to wade through. The 4th is the helium balloon we let fly off in memory of our lost baby. The final image is taken from the website of the charity I used to work for. It represents the maternal aspect of my job.

One day, God willing I'll be able to do this kind of thing for real but for now this is my Motherhood Challenge.