Drawing a line in the sand

When you embark upon a journey you encounter landmarks along the way and collect memories. Moments you will never forget, days you will always remember and mark, memorable dates. Our infertility journey has had several such landmark days. I have created a map of our fertility journey with all the landmark days marked around the path. Most of our landmarks are related to some form of medical treatment but I have also included the days we attended our church festival, Catalyst and Rhythm of Hope, the Christian infertility retreat we attend. God has spoken to both of us at these events (and other times too) about various things to do with our fertility journey and our path to parenthood and these events have shaped our journey along this bumpy path. The day I ran 10k and raised £600 for Fertility Network UK also features on the map as it was part of my recovery from the miscarriage.

The eagle eyed amongst you will notice the last two points on the map are a decision to stop IVF and fertility treatment and move on to adoption. This is a new landmark on our journey and something I've not written about on here before. In January we went to Rhythm of Hope and were refreshed and refuelled on our journey. For me, this retreat day feels like coming up for air in the stormy sea that is infertility. God ministered hugely to both of us during this day but I had a sense of a particular message. At this point we had just had our recurrent loss tests and had 1 healthy frozen embryo left. My consultant had just started me on some medication to manage my polycystic ovarian syndrome and the plan amongst the medical professionals involved with me was to continue with this medication for a few months before going for embryo transfer number 4. The doctors were hopeful for my next transfer; Neil and I were not. During the worship at the retreat day I had a strong feeling God was telling us to draw a line in the sand. I felt called to stop all fertility treatment, donate our final healthy embryo to another couple who cannot make embryos of their own and move on to pursue adoption in order to complete our family. I shared this with Neil and with others when we got home and there followed several months of prayer and pursuing treatment for the final embryo transfer.

We were advised to continue trying towards transfer #4 as a way of testing and weighing this word from God. It was a way of seeing whether I was just thinking about stopping treatment because I was tired and fed up of being put through the wringer. I tried to go ahead with the transfer at the end of February and was told that I could not go ahead yet as the clinic needed my latest test results (which had been done by a different hospital) and it was up to me to get the results. It took me 6 weeks to get hold of the results. When the clinic did get the results there was a problem with my thyroid level which had been missed by my consultant. I then had to arrange a retest of my thyroid levels. They came back 0.25 too high. The fertility clinic wouldn't transfer an embryo at that level and that my GP would have to treat it first. My GP said my level wasn't high enough to treat. There was also more admin issues and general frustration thrown in. It all felt like pushing water uphill. It shouldn't be this hard. A chat with some dear friends confirmed what we were thinking; what I had heard/felt was from God, the time has come to draw a line in the sand and move on.

This has been a very difficult and emotional decision to make but we both have complete peace about moving on. We attended a Saying Goodbye service (memorial for babies lost at any stage) a few days after we made our decision. It was very emotional but helped us say goodbye to our lost babies as well as the idea of having a baby via IVF. We may be able to get pregnant naturally but right now that holds too much anxiety and stress for me to contemplate. We are excited about moving on to adoption.

I will be phoning the clinic this week to start the process of stopping and donating our embryo to another couple. They are unlikely to let us do this easily as their policy is only to do this when you have embryos left after successful treatment. We are so certain this is what God wants us to do we have to ask. Please, if you pray, ask God that this phone call will go in our favour. I will also go to the GP to ask about my medication for my PCOS. I may need to stay on this as it helps other symptoms as well as infertility but if my hormone levels are OK I could come off it gradually, which would be great.

So we are drawing a line in the sand and moving on.

Mother's day

Today is Mothering Sunday. A day of giving thanks for mothers and the gift of motherhood. A day for daddy to help kiddies treat mummy for the day. A day for saying thank you to your mum for everything she's done for you. It's a day for hearts to be happy.

But for me, and for so many others it's a day when my heart is heavy. So, this year, on Mothering Sunday I want to acknowledge those for whom this day is a painful reminder of what they have lost, or are yet to have.

This morning you didn't wake up to messy breakfast in bed and cute handmade cards. You didn't get treated to a lie in while hubby dealt with the kids. This morning was just another morning for you. Your heart aches for these things but years have gone by since you and hubby started trying.
You are not alone. You are a valued daughter of God and he sees your tears and knows the desires of your heart. Happy Mother's day!

This morning you didn't wake up to hear your baby crying. Instead you woke up remembering the baby you carried in your womb went straight to heaven and you never got to meet her on earth. You woke up with empty arms and a heavy heart again.
God sees you, lovely lady. He loves you and loves your baby. Your babies life matters and counts no matter when she died. Happy Mother's Day!

This morning you woke up alone, again. You didn't get to look into the eyes of the man you love, the man who would be the father of your children. You know the clock is ticking and you may never be a mother simply because you never found the right guy.
God wants you to know you are loved and valued by so many people, not least Him. But he knows the longings of your heart. He hears your cries and collects your tears. Happy Mother's Day!

This morning you didn't get to call your Mum to wish her happy mother's day. You didn't get to hug her, smell her hair as it got in your face, laugh it off when she embarrassed you in public. You didn't get to tell her you love her. You miss her no matter how long she's been gone for.
God sees your heart. He is your comfort today and everyday. He knows the emptiness you feel since you lost your Mum. Happy Mother's Day!

There are so many others who find today hard too. Single Mums, people with difficult relationships with their children/Mums, people who have had their children adopted... The list goes on. You are all valid, valued and important. Happy Mother's Day to you all!

Jesus wake up, we are going to perish in the storm

Two years ago we started out on our IVF journey. We had prayed long and hard about it and felt certain this was God's will for us.
"Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him."

I didn't take well to the meds used to stimulate my ovaries and ended up in hospital. There were many delays and we were a good three months behind the original schedule we were given. We lost 2 embryos because they did not have the right genetic material for life. When we eventually transferred our first embryo it failed and we were faced with a negative pregnancy test. Our second embryo transfer resulted in my first ever pregnancy. Sadly baby died at 6 weeks and I had a surgically managed miscarriage at 10 weeks. After 6 months we were ready to try again. That transfer resulted in a pregnancy that only lasted a week after the positive test. It's known as a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage before 6 weeks. 6 months after that I had tests to find out why I was losing all these babies. They didn't find anything but the doctor decided to try me on a medication for PCOS. I'm convinced God healed me of PCOS but my hormone levels show it's back. This medication gives me side effects akin to morning sickness. That brings us to now. We have one healthy embryo left. I have tried to order my medication so we can transfer in the Easter holidays so I don't have to take too much time off  work. The blood tests were not done by the IVF clinic. The IVF clinic need the results of the tests before they can send my meds. I have to get those results and can't get hold of the right person. We've missed the date for an Easter transfer. On top of all that the past few weeks have thrown evetything at us. I''ve had a problem with my tooth and now, thanks to an accident at the dentist, have a bit of metal file in my root canal. Yesterday our laptop broke and our car wouldn't start.
"Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat."

Throughout this whole ordeal we have prayed, worshipped and sought God's will. Every step seemed a bit closer to our much desired answer to prayer, a baby in our arms. Yet God remains silent. The waves of the storms of life are crashing all around us threatening to overwhelm us but it's like Jesus is asleep.
"But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying 'Lord save us! We're going to drown!"

We have got to the point where we are struggling to have faith for our baby. We still hope that we will see the answet to our prayers and hold our baby in our arms but we can no longer believe that this next transfer will result in anything other than failure.
"He replied 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

My prayer is that the storm of infertility will pass and we will hold our baby in our arms. God is good and in control. He is on the throne and his will is perfect. God works all things together for the good of those who love him. I have no idea how Jesus will calm this storm but i know he will.
"Then he got up and rebuked the winds and waves. And the storm was calm."

Floored by a high chair

We are our for lunch. My husband is placing the order and I have to find a table. Simple enough. I look around and the only unoccupied table I can see has a high chair around it. I move the high chair away, as we obviously don't need it, and sit down. Fine. Only I'm not fine. I find myself beset by a wave of emotion because we don't need a high chair. As things stand I don't know if we'll ever need a high chair as I don't know if we'll ever have a baby. It's the new year bank holiday today and I feel like I have limped through the most child, and baby, orientated time of the year. I have had some lovely times with family and really enjoyed having lots and lots of quality time with hubby. I've even enjoyed doing a couple of shifts in the learning disability care home where I used to work full time. But the whole time I have had in the back of my mind a niggling feeling that something is missing. Maybe it's because I was pregnant during the last festive season but I've really felt the pain of childlessness through the recent festivities. I was doing ok, I was starting to come out of the fog and think about going back to work tomorrow. I was doing fine till I had to move that high chair. As silly as it sounds I felt as if me moving that high chair away from our table was equivalent to me standing on a table and shouting to the whole coffee shop about our infertility and loss. Told you it was silly!

I have determined to do better at spending time with God this year and doing this infertility journey with Him in the driving seat. With that in mind I reflect on this experience praying that we will one day have need of a high chair. However I also pray that my heart will heal so that I can enjoy time together with hubby even if we don't end up with a baby. It's been 6 months since our last loss, I am surprised by how raw my feelings still are.

Merry Christmas baby

It's Christmas time again,
And you're still not here.
This is, after all,
The most child focused time of year.
Last Christmas time
you were in my tummy,
It's so hard to believe
I'm still not Mummy!
You're bauble hangs
with your 4 siblings' baubles  on our tree
Will we ever have a Christmas
With our babies, your Daddy and me?
I'm hopeful for 2017
This may finally be the year
When, whether mummy or not,
I learn to love with peace here.

My review of the year

2016 has, in many ways been a year I'd rather forget. I started it pregnant and am finishing it childless with 2 miscarriages under my belt. But lots of good things have happened this year too. It's easy to forget the good stuff, the blessings, the happy times when there's been so much pain, loss and heartache in our year.

So, for my review of 2016 I've decided to leave out the sadness; it's all documented here anyway. When I have time I'll write a post about what God has taught me through all this suffering and what He's still teaching me. For now though, I'm going to attempt to remember one good thing, one thing to be thankful for for each month of 2016.

January: Not exactly a good thing but we were overwhelmed with love and support from friends and family when going through the missed miscarriage and surgery. This was also the month we went on a retreat day for Christian couples facing infertility and broadened our support network, an invaluable day.

February: I had a relaxing week off work to get over everything. I got to spend some time with my sister who I hadn't seen for around 18 months.

March: We had a brilliant holiday in Edinburgh catching up with old friends and reconnecting as a couple. Neil also started his new job at the end of the month meaning he could get back to doing statistics-y things which he loves and the extra money was very helpful!

April: We had a really lovely day out in London to celebrate Neil's birthday. We went to a fabulous bookshop so he was happy!

May: I ran a 10k race raising £500 for infertility network UK! Cried my way round and the time was rubbish but I did it! May ended with our annual camping trip at our church's festival where we both had a refreshing and spiritually fulfilling time.

June: I started medication for my third attempt at a frozen embryo transfer. At the time this was a positive and exciting as we were hopeful we would be luckier this time. Another positive is I coped much better with side effects this time.

July: I celebrated my birthday with a week off work and some trips out to local attractions as well as some time with Neil's parents. We had the embryo transfer this month too.

August: Sadly this was the month we had our second loss, much earlier this time, didn't even make it to scan. I'm thankful I didn't have to go through all the physical stuff again.

September: We went to a party celebrating my aunt and uncle's golden wedding anniversary. It was a lovely family time. Neil also got a promotion at work at the end of the month.

October: We had a really great little holiday on the isle of Wight, last minute thing but just what we both needed!

November: I started a new job! For the first time since 2007 I have a Monday to Friday 9-5 job.

December: We were able to have lots  of lovely time with our families and each other celebrating Christmas.

An apology and a pledge

I've come to realise that I have grown rather self involved and blinkered during this time of suffering. This particular trial has been going on for years now and doesn't show any signs of easing. It seems each time we think things are changing for the better we are dealt another blow and find ourselves back on our knees in prayer and despair. It is all too easy to let it take over and I think I have allowed it to cloud my life to the extent that I don't always notice when my friends and family are also suffering and going through set backs.

So, to all my suffering, struggling friends, I'm sorry for ignoring you in your time of need. This post is my pledge to change. I want to be brave enough to step out and encourage and comfort you. I want to help you and listen when you need to talk. I want to practice stepping out in this even, and especially when I am hurting. I don't want to be afraid of rejection or embarrassment anymore. I have received great comfort from a timely message or hug from a friend and want to be that for someone else. If I can be a comfort to others then I can be comforted by the knowledge that I am being more outward looking and it will take my focus away from me.

So if you are struggling with life just now please let me know if I can help at all, even if it's just to pray. And if I slip up and ignore your pain or talk only about me and my pain please forgive me and gently remind me of this post!

I know God has given me a gift of encouragement and I pray that I can start to step out in it more. My prayer is that as I lift my eyes from myself and notice others around me they will lift even further to the God of all comfort and encouragement.