Choices

Today I found out that we have 4 genetically normal embryos that we can use for frozen embryo transfer. There are also 2 more that have genetic defects but could still quite likely result in a successful pregnancy. The babies that may result from those embryos could have health problems but would survive. This means when it comes to it we have to decide whether to let those 2 perish or use them in transfer. We will use our 4 healthy embryos first but I hate that we have to make that choice. When it was just about embryos which have my translocation and would not survive to term the choice is easy. I also know that God has only given us the amount of embryos that we need. As we only get 3 goes at FET (I think) I'm not sure what to make of the fact we have 4. Maybe we will have a failed cycle along the way. I am praying that we are not going to have to decide to let unused frozen embryos perish. After a certain number you have to pay and we can't afford that! I need to check all this of course. I've been struggling with headaches and dizzy spells which is my bodies response to stress. I thought finding out would help but actually feeling even worse since finding out! I wish my body didn't deal with stress in that way but it always has done! This is such an ethical minefield and I almost feel guilty for being happy about having embryos to choose from! I am happy. I have to phone the clinic Monday and all being well they'll let me book in for transfer. There's a chance they'll make me wait another month due to the over stimulation but am praying that doesn't happen!!

Bumps in the road

Since I last posted an update on here my IVF journey has gotten interesting! When you have IVF your ovaries are stimulated with medication and hormones so they produce lots of eggs and consequently several embryos. One of the risks is that the medication works too well and over stimulates the ovaries. This results in ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS) which means the ovaries are enlarged and leaking fluid into the abdomen. This is what happened to me. It normally happens 2-3 days after egg collection but I made it to 4 days after before I started to feel unwell. Therefore I was surprised when I was diagnosed but when I saw my scan it became clear why I was so ill. My abdomen was full of ovaries and fluid pushing everything else (stomach etc) out of the way leaving me very nauseous and being sick. I was also constantly dizzy and unable to stand for more than 10 minutes as fluid had leaked out of my blood vessels leaving my blood thick and sticky and not moving around my body properly. All this meant I was relieved when the doctor admitted me to hospital for treatment! I was given anti sickness medication and put on a drip. After one night I was able to go home and recover there. I've now been given the all clear from the OHSS but am still a little bloated as there is still a bit of fluid and my ovaries are still a bit bigger than they should be. So I still need to rest and not bounce about too much as my ovaries are still big and could twist. I'm feeling much better in myself so I'm finding it hard to stay off work and not feel guilty! I feel bad being off sick when I'm able to do bits and pieces. But I know I need the rest of the week for my body to come back to normal. On Sunday I should be working a 14 hour shift and I know I'm not up to that yet! I still get very tired and have some residual bowel problems from everything being so squashed inside! I'll go back next week knowing I've had a proper rest.
My illness has given me time to reflect on the journey so far. I am grateful to God that we have to have a frozen cycle while they test the embryos. If we were not doing this my cycle would have been cancelled as I would have been too unwell. Or if I had transferred before I became unwell it would have been a different story as early pregnancy makes OHSS much worse. Also I think I really needed an extra week off work. Although it's been hard I've had lots of time to read the bible and listen to worship music which has been great!
In other news all 8 of our embryos have been tested and frozen. We're just waiting for the results then I can phone the clinic and find out what I need to do for the frozen embryo transfer. I just need my monthly cycle to start first which is proving illusive due to the OHSS I think.

Still there!

After being convinced by the scientists that not all of our little blobs would make it to today(day 3) we started praying hard. For my own peace of mind I feel I need at least 5 to make it to testing on Saturday. I told God that in my prayer and he came through! All 8 are still there and looking good! I know that we will be left with just the right amount but the fact that the numbers haven't started dropping yet gives me hope! Which is what I need right now! I've included a picture of embryos at day 3, that's what our little blobs look like! You can see they have only got about 6 to 8 cells. When they test then they take out one or more complete cells. If they were to do that at this stage they would take 1/6 or 1/8 of the whole thing, hampering it's chances of transferring successfully. So they wait until they've grown to day 5 or 6 which is called the blastocyst stage and has many more cells. The embryologist reminded me that just because they've all made it to day 3 doesn't mean they'll all make it to day 5. But they weren't all suposed to make it this far so I'm now confident we should get a decent number to test. Will keep praying hard for our little blobs!

Numbers

My eggs were collected on Monday in preparation for our IVF treatment. I went in with 24 follicles but we only got 12 eggs. Yesterday I had a phonecall to tell me that only 8 had fertilised successfully. That means we have 8 embryos (we have nick named them blobs!) that need to develop enough cells to undergo the genetic testing we need. Today one of the ladies on the Facebook support group I'm part of posted that she had 21 eggs retrieved from 30 follicles. Everyone keeps telling me my numbers are really good but I found it really hard to congratulate her knowing my numbers are so low in comparison. Embryos have to get to day 5 for testing and it's unlikely a while batch will get there. We will have a phonecall tomorrow (day 3) to see how many have made it that far then again on Saturday (day 5) with numbers for testing. I know God is in control and that just the right amount of embryos have fertilised but I'm finding it hard to trust Him with such low numbers. I'm praying so hard for my 8 little blobs, I really believe we'll have something to transfer. This treatment has really taken it's toll on my body and I'm not sure I can put myself through it again. The nurse was saying before that if we get low numbers of embryos we might think about going straight into another cycle to bank embryos. But I feel that if we have anything to transfer we should. I also feel that if this cycle doesn't work out we should pursue adoption. But we get 3 funded cycles on the NHS so the sensible thing to do would be to use them. However I'm learning that God's will and the sensible thing to do don't always line up!

The big day

(Guest post by Neil)

Last time I posted on here, I talked about the Father’s Day card I received last year. The day has come round again, and I am hopefully on the eve of, in a sense, finally becoming a father – though not (yet) father of an actual child I can hold in my arms. For tomorrow is the day we have been building up to for the last few weeks: the day of egg (and sperm) collection. By the end of the day, if all goes according to plan, there will exist one or more embryos containing both my genetic material and Cara’s.

It’s been frustrating watching everything my wife has had to put herself through to get to this stage, and not being able to share in her suffering or take it away. I really do have it easy – I hardly have to do anything tomorrow, but she has to undergo a procedure under sedation. And just to put her body in the right condition for this to happen, she has had to inject herself in the stomach every day for the last 10 days, and put up with the bloated feeling and other physical effects (while still working shifts of up to 14 hours at a time).

But the good news is we know it’s all been worthwhile, because Cara’s scan on Friday showed that the drugs have done exactly what they were supposed to, and her ovaries have been working overtime to produce eggs for fertilisation. After that’s happened, Cara will have a well-deserved rest from drugs and scans until the time comes for implantation – probably in August. If that works, we will then be facing the very real prospect of becoming parents to an actual screaming, burping, waking-you-up-in-the-small-hours human being.

I mentioned before how God used last year’s Catalyst Festival to tell me that fatherhood was part of his plan for me, despite my misgivings about my own ability. This year, at the same event, he reassured me that I am a good father – not will be, but am, because that’s who he has made me. Parenthood is going to be massively hard work for both of us, probably harder than we can begin to imagine. But we’re made in God’s image, which I reckon makes us pretty good parents.

Feeling loved!

I started this week feeling (not thinking) quite isolated and alone in this journey. In my new job your not allowed to use your personal phone on shift and 14 hours without any support from outside has hugely contributed to my feelings of isolation. Coupled with stress and exhaustion and side effects from the nasal spray my emotions have been all over the place. All this left me feeling rather rubbish and I was beginning to feel unloved! Until today. I worked a sleep shift last night which meant a long day yesterday and getting home at 11 this morning. I came home to chocolate from my amazing hubby and the prospect of spending the afternoon with a friend. After a short rest I had a lovely afternoon with my friend and her kids. I got to have lots of baby cuddles which really helped focus my mind on why I'm putting myself through all of this! My injections start tonight so it was really nice to have some company and take my mind off things. Just as I was leaving she gave me some flowers, how lovely. The flowers especially have helped to line my feelings back up with my knowledge! I've taken a picture so that when those unloved feelings start to creep in I have a reminder of the truth! I am not alone and today has really helped remind me that there are people who love us and want to support us through our journey. Now I've just got to psych myself up to stick a needle in my stomach tonight!

Progress

We had our next IVF appointment this morning and it went swimmingly! We're all set to progress with the treatment cycle. If all goes as well as it has done so far we will be 'parents' of embryos in less than a month! It's really quite overwhelming when you put it like that! I'm very grateful to God for how smooth our journey has been so far. I still have a sense of peace about the whole thing but my feelings and emotions have been a bit haywire. It's a very strange feeling to be at peace but feeling so emotional and irrational at the same time. I take every little thing personally and feel like people are against me, even Neil! I know it's not true and is likely just a side effect but it takes it out of me feeling like this. I don't even know how to pray about it. But it will all be over soon and we can start on the adventure of embryo transfer and all that should come after that. I'm really grateful that all I have to deal with is lack of sleep and irrational emotions for a few days.