The weight of continual disappointment

We have recently been on a really lovely, desperately needed, refreshing holiday. It was great and we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. However, in the middle of our lovely holiday I had a crushing disappointment which is beginning a sad, regular reality. My monthly cycle came in a very painful and difficult to manage way. We are currently trying naturally to get pregnant and I really thought we'd cracked it this month. I really, truly thought I was pregnant. My cycle started in a very strange way, teasing me with what I thought was implantation bleeding. A couple of days later I realised it definitely wasn't. I was crushed. Incredibly crushed. I tried to lift myself and enjoy our holiday but now we're back I'm feeling flat and disappointed yet again.

I'm really annoyed with myself because I thought I'd got to a place where I didn't put everything into trying each month so I didn't get so down when I wasn't. But this time was different. I'm not sure why but I had dreams and visions of coming home to take a pregnancy test and it being positive.

Facing disappointment month after month, year after year is utterly exhausting. I know I need to praise God in the face of my disappointment but man is it hard. So I'm going to end this post with 10 things to praise God for in the midst of this painful disappointment.

1. God I praise you for the lessons of endurance I have learnt during my years of infertility.

2. God I praise you for the 8 babies who now reside in heaven following our IVF experience.

3. God I praise you that I am ovulating and have the potential to get pregnant.

4. God I praise you for the babies I have carried in my womb.

5. God I praise you for the friends and community I have made during this long, long trial.

6. God I praise you for my amazing husband who is always by my side.

7. God I praise you for each and every time I have thought I was pregnant and I wasn't.

8. God I praise you for teaching me to wait on you.

9. God I praise you for giving me a job where I can out work my mother heart.

10. God I praise you because you alone are trustworthy, faithful and true to your promises.

Family of two

Last year was really tough with the failed adoption and dealing with that. This year we wanted a positive experience, something different.
Today is Blob Day, the day or embryos were created when we did IVF. Instead of being sad that none of our blobs got to become babies I thought I'd record some of the fun stuff we've done this year as a family of fun.

1. We met an alpaca and took him for a walk 😀
2. We had a lovely holiday staying in a little cottage in Stratford-upon-Avon.
3. We celebrated our pottery wedding anniversary at the potteries in Stoke.
4. We went to see a play in the West end and visited the science museum on the way home.
5. We went on a Latin American Street food cookery course.
6. We discovered a local art cafe in a little village nearby.
7. We went out for dinner in a posh pub in Henley.
8. We have had dates in the cinema.
9. We went to an art exhibition based around trees, something very special to us.
10. We've learnt some new games suited to two players.

We're only halfway through the year so I'm sure this list will grow. We already have a few things planned!

Pancake Day

Today, and everyday at the moment, is pancake Day for me. Yes I know I'm a few months late for shrove Tuesday! But my overwhelming feeling just now is numbness. I feel flat as a pancake!

I've been trying to work out why. After last year's trauma with the adoption falling apart and dealing with that we decided we'd have a year of really trying hard to get pregnant naturally. And I mean trying hard! Today is the first of June and I have taken 5 pregnancy tests this year so far. They have all been negative. And what's more the last two months my cycle has been over a week late and in that week of maybe I've had early pregnancy symptoms. This is a cruel journey. This really is our last attempt to have a family, we've tried everything else. I think the flatness comes from knowing we're pretty much half way through the year and no closer to having a baby. Each negative test chips another bit of my heart away.

In addition I'm in a very stressful season at work and don't know when it will ease. Everyday I feel frazzled and like I'm drowning in everything that's going on. I don't really know how to stay afloat. I am trying to prioritize self care but it's a really difficult season. This doesn't help.

All this stress had taken it's toll. We are in a season of having to work hard at our marriage. We're doing ok but with me constantly stressed everything is hard work. And my relationship with God is in a similar state. I try but I'm finding it hard to believe in a good God who wants only good things for me. I know that is the truth but when your daily reality is difficulty and stress it's hard to translate knowledge into belief.

So I am feeling flat as a pancake.

I'm sorry, my friend

Lately I've been really struggling with the tension of feeling like a burden and wanting to be a good friend and support my friends like they have supported me. I know I have huge room for improvement in this area. I hope this post will act as an apology and explain why I may come across as a self involved, rubbish friend sometimes.

All my life I've struggled with a fear of rejection and failure. I've also always struggled in social situations, particularly where I don't know what's expected of me or don't have a model of what is accepted behaviour in that situation. This means I often withdraw our stock to what I know and what is comfortable and familiar. I know this can appear rude.

Since struggling with infertility and baby loss/failed adoption this struggle has been magnified as I've often felt very sad or uncomfortable if surrounded by people who have what I so desire. It's also been harder as the years add up as I feel like people must think I'm just attention seeking and never happy. It's often hard to balance my happiness for others and my sadness for myself. I know people must think I'm rubbish and only think about myself. I hardly ever ask people how they are doing as I'm so scared they will reject me or just say I don't care. I really do care and I'm so sorry that my pain and fear have got in the way of some really good friendships. I know I've lost some really good friendships due to this over the years, and recently and this makes me very, very sad.

I want to say to these friends I have grown apart from, I am sorry. I also want to say I really do care although I know it looks like I don't. I do pray for you often and care about what is going on with you even though it must seem as though I am only wrapped up in my own stuff.

I know my social awkwardness and my ongoing pain and sadness has alienated people and meant people have pulled back from me. I pray I can be a much kinder and better friend and benefit from restored relationships maybe.

I'm also struggling with my relationship with God at the moment. I feel like a burden on everyone including God. Fertility wise I feel like all I'm coming up against is unanswered prayer. How is that a God who cares? However, I don't feel able to talk to anyone about this, partly due to my fear of rejection, but also due to feeling like a constant burden. I need to get to a place where I can pray for myself and believe he can answer.

I need to get to a place where I can pray to God to help me be a better friend. I need to get to a place where I don't feel so lonely.

I am sorry to the friends who have, understandably, withdrawn from me both recently and in the past. I will try to be a better friend. And I will make an effort to ask 'how are you doing?' and not talk about me.

Hope crushed... Again!

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I thought I was pregnant this month. It was the first month in many we had even been intimate at all and the first in probably a year and a half that we had been intimate at the right time to conceive. We only did it once and (to be graphic) my medical condition meant things were only where they needed to be for seconds but we had the tiniest of chances. We had more of a chance than we have had in years. So we prayed. We prayed for a miracle. We prayed like we've never prayed before.

Over the years I've lost hope to pray for a baby. With each miscarriage, loss, and heartbreak my hope that God would come through on this for us would chip off until there was virtually nothing there. When we started the adoption process hope stated to creep back in and I began to pray that God would give us a child this way. When it was abruptly brought to an end my hope, and faith, was completely shattered. I have slowly been building my faith and hope back up. Before Christmas my family received since miraculous healing news which really helped me to realise God does answer my prayers for others. It's meant I've been able to start praying for myself for little things and things unrelated to babies. As some of them have been answered I've been able to slowly start praying for my desire to be mummy. When I realised that we had a slim chance of conceiving this month I thought it was the perfect opportunity to exercise my faith and progress to God answering the biggest desire of my heart.

I'm not pregnant. My body is very painfully reminding me today that I'm not pregnant. I'm drowning in disappointment again. I'm not sure what this has done for my faith and hope. I'm trying to remember everything else God has done for me and others I've prayed for. I'm trying to thank God rather than be angry that he's not worked a miracle again. 

We've just been to a church prayer meeting where people were talking and praying about how we can bring people into the church community who are part of it but feel on the outside. I realised that, during this, seemingly never ending trial I often feel on the outside of the church community. You wouldn't know it though. I'm on various serving and ministry teams, go to prayer meetings and midweek groups. But, a lot of the time, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I feel like I'm isolated by my struggles. I'm not sure what to do about this feeling, or if I need to do anything at all. Maybe I'll always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Maybe that's ok. I don't know.

I'm hoping that I can continue to pray for myself and, maybe even pray for a baby next month. Maybe I should be praying that God will give me peace whatever happens with baby stuff. I'm not ready to give up on being mummy one day, maybe.

Goodbye 2018

You began with such hope that we would become parents.
You progressed with solidarity and education as we meet other prospective adoptive parents and learnt about our potential.
You encouraged me at work with opportunities to develop my teaching skills.
You gave us nice times together and with family and friends.
Then March and April happened.
We were forced to move out of the flat we thought would be the home to bring home our child.
We were dealt a blow from the adoption agency that would plunge us into depths of heartbreak we didn't know existed.
We would not become parents this year.
We don't know if we will ever become parents.
We struggled in our marriage and in our relationships with friends and family.
Work started to be a struggle- teaching opportunities were taken away as quickly as they came, people were mean.
We struggled to come to terms with all that happened.
There were good things.
We found a great flat to move to and were blessed with friends to help.
I had a job created for me where I can exercise my mother heart everyday.
We discovered the blessing of a retreat holiday that refreshed our relationships with God.
I embraced my fundraising challenge and raised£2000 for 12 different charities.
We found ways to revitalise our relationship.
But then you got hard again.
Family health issues heightened.
My new job was threatened with change which plunged me into depths of work stress I've never faced.
I had to deal with difficult people without much support.
Memories of the failed adoption plagued my mind and took over.
Our relationship suffered hugely again.
I was plunged into darkness.
It has ended with little glimmers of light in the darkness, some bright flashes of hope.
My biggest stress at work is over and my job is safe again.
My family received some miraculous health news.
Our relationship has benefited hugely from some rest and time away.
We have had lovely times with family.
People have reacted with love and support since I opened up about my struggles and darkness.
We know it's not god's will for us to adopt and I'm ok with that (sometimes!).
I have hope to pray for my miracle again.
I have realised that this year has been a year where I have deepened friendships and relied on people and, most importantly for me, helped people.
You were not the year I thought you would be. You were hard, impossibly so at times. But I am coming out of you stronger than I was at the start.
Goodbye 2018.

A whole mess of stuff!

I'm writing this post in the midst of Christmas celebrations and stress. This morning I attended and took part in our churches Nativity service. It was full of children dressed up and enjoying Christmas, as it should be. For me however it was incredibly hard. We normally avoid the Nativity service but this year there was a signed sing and the special needs groups I help in were part of it so I had to be there. This time last year we had just submitted our adoption paperwork and had our date come through for our preparation course. We were thinking that we would be bringing our own little shepherd or donkey to the Nativity service this year. However, in April our adoption process came to an abrupt end. In recent weeks we have come to the decision that adoption is not god's plan for us. The reasons behind that decision are for another post but it's a hard one to come to terms with especially at Christmas.
Several of the couple's who were on the adoption preparation course with us now have their little ones home with them and we don't. It hurts. I'm struggling largely because I feel like we're old news. Oh look that childless couple are finding Christmas hard... Again! I feel like I want to run away and hide.
I'm under an awful lot of pressure at work at the moment which doesn't help things but I feel like I live in a permanent state of stress and sadness. My relationship with my husband is tense and my relationship with God is just holding on by a thread. I'm praying for a miracle (a baby) but I have absolutely no belief that God answers my prayers for myself. I can't really pray for others either. I know God is there and loves me and wants to comfort me but I don't understand why he never comes through. Have I done something wrong? Am I not praying right? I try and try and get stress at work and nowhere with my fertility. I'm trying to have a relationship with God but I don't really know how to when I feel like this. If I'm honest I feel very alone in all this and don't know where to turn. There are counseling services, support groups and online forums for people going through miscarriage but I've found nothing for people going through failed adoption. Every time I've mentioned it in online support groups people have just told me not to give up and try another agency. But that's not where we're at, I just want support. This is hard, especially at Christmas when children and happiness are all around me.