Friday 28 December 2018

Goodbye 2018

You began with such hope that we would become parents.
You progressed with solidarity and education as we meet other prospective adoptive parents and learnt about our potential.
You encouraged me at work with opportunities to develop my teaching skills.
You gave us nice times together and with family and friends.
Then March and April happened.
We were forced to move out of the flat we thought would be the home to bring home our child.
We were dealt a blow from the adoption agency that would plunge us into depths of heartbreak we didn't know existed.
We would not become parents this year.
We don't know if we will ever become parents.
We struggled in our marriage and in our relationships with friends and family.
Work started to be a struggle- teaching opportunities were taken away as quickly as they came, people were mean.
We struggled to come to terms with all that happened.
There were good things.
We found a great flat to move to and were blessed with friends to help.
I had a job created for me where I can exercise my mother heart everyday.
We discovered the blessing of a retreat holiday that refreshed our relationships with God.
I embraced my fundraising challenge and raised£2000 for 12 different charities.
We found ways to revitalise our relationship.
But then you got hard again.
Family health issues heightened.
My new job was threatened with change which plunged me into depths of work stress I've never faced.
I had to deal with difficult people without much support.
Memories of the failed adoption plagued my mind and took over.
Our relationship suffered hugely again.
I was plunged into darkness.
It has ended with little glimmers of light in the darkness, some bright flashes of hope.
My biggest stress at work is over and my job is safe again.
My family received some miraculous health news.
Our relationship has benefited hugely from some rest and time away.
We have had lovely times with family.
People have reacted with love and support since I opened up about my struggles and darkness.
We know it's not god's will for us to adopt and I'm ok with that (sometimes!).
I have hope to pray for my miracle again.
I have realised that this year has been a year where I have deepened friendships and relied on people and, most importantly for me, helped people.
You were not the year I thought you would be. You were hard, impossibly so at times. But I am coming out of you stronger than I was at the start.
Goodbye 2018.

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