Angry

Am just back from a really good time meeting with God with lots of other women from church. Are some lovely cake, heard some great testimonies and worshipped my God. I also did some serious business with God. I realised that I am angry at God for the failed cycle. I also realised that that's OK and that he is big enough to take it and still loves me despite the anger. I realised that he gives me grace to work that anger through. I also realised that this embryo being transferred on Thursday may or may not stick but certainly won't mean we're done grieving the one we lost. I realised that's OK too! I also realised that I'm really struggling to relate to God as a faithful father who keeps his promises. I know it's true but it's not my reality right now. He has promised me a baby and a pregnancy and the closest chance I had failed. I know it's not over and that his timing is perfect but if I'm completely honest I can't understand why we had to lose that baby. I know all this will pass and I pray that I can have hope for the next one on Thursday. I need to trust in God even when I don't feel like it!