Beginning in Hope
At the end of June/beginning of July Neil and I decided to try, really try to get pregnant naturally. We had made the decision a few months earlier to stop all fertility treatments and move on to adoption as our way of trying to build our family. You can read more about that in previous blog posts. We were content and at peace with the decision we had made but we both felt called to try one last time to have our own biological child. This is far from easy for us. I suffer from extreme pain and muscle spasms/tightness during intercourse so we have found other ways to enjoy each other. It's also emotionally hard for us as it reminds us of what we have lost. But we both felt we should try. We did everything we could to help make it possible. We followed something called the sperm meets egg plan which sets out precisely when you should 'get together' for optimal conception. I took painkillers and had hot baths to relax me. We did everything right. We kept it secret, only telling one other person that we were trying. We were convinced it had worked, I even felt symptoms of early pregnancy. Our summer began in hope.
Kindness during suffering
I wasn't pregnant. I found out at the beginning of August. It was test day according to the plan. I had been at work at the care home where I used to work full time since early in the morning so I waited till later in the day to take the test. It was the day before my period was due and I felt different to how I normally do so I secretly hoped. But I think I knew really. The test was negative and about an hour later my period started. I was crushed as that all too familiar feeling of disappointment and hope floating away yet again washed over me. I also felt really sad for Neil. We really are happy that we are going to adopt but there are still things I need to work through. One of those things is the fact that I'm never going to see Neil interacting with our own newborn baby.
This disappointment and sadness came around the same time that I had watched a documentary on TV about a lady who writes encouraging letters to people going through tough, challenging times in their lives. This inspired me so much I decided to do something similar. So I put a post on some of the social media groups for people going through infertility and baby loss that I'm part of and got quite a response. Most of the people I have written to are not Christians but I prayed for them as I wrote and wrote whatever I felt they needed to hear. I have had some feedback that I wrote exactly the words that were needed at that moment. I love how God works through us even at our weakest points. I wrote a letter on the day that I had my negative test and had to really work hard to be encouraging to someone else as I was hurting. I did it though and felt God minister to me as I ministered to others through these letters.
Beginning to heal
A few days after that negative test Neil and I headed off to Cornwall for CreationFest. It's a free (just pay for camping) Christian festival. We had a week of enjoying time together as a couple and some great times with God. It was really nice to be in a place where no one knew us or what was going on with us. We could feel what we needed to feel when we needed to feel it. We did share our story with some on the prayer team and got some prayer but it was just nice to have time to talk together and with God. We sang a song through the week with the line 'my impossible, He makes possible'. I came away with a new hope that God would make my impossible possible. I will be Mummy. I don't know when or how but I know it will happen. I left that week a different person, I was still sad and struggling with disappointment but hope and peace had crept back in. I was beginning to heal.
Fellowship and vulnerability
Last weekend, as the summer holiday was coming to an end I went to a retreat day for women going through infertility, miscarriage and childlessness. It was organised by the wonderful ladies at Saltwater and Honey and was a refreshing yet difficult day. It was a day of hearing and sharing stories, of being vulnerable with each other and being brave enough to share in each other's grief. There was something very healing and refreshing about sharing your story with women with similar stories. I was able to speak to a lady who has a similar story to mine and get some perspective from a bit further along in our story. We sat in the chapel tasting the bitterness of saltwater as we grieved together and the sweetness of honey as we recognised the joys that can come during this time and I felt like I had found my people. I realised during the day that I am not as good at being vulnerable with my infertility story as I thought I was. I can write about it in graphic detail in this blog and in social media posts and emails with ease. In fact I couldn't get through this journey without this blog. But when I really think about it I very rarely sit down with anyone other than Neil and really talk about my suffering and grief. At this retreat day we were given opportunity to do this and it was very healing. We learnt about how we all carry shame and that shame can form a block in our relationship with God. Talking about our struggles and sharing our shame breaks down that block and the relationship can be rebuilt. I am not very good at that. I need to think about who I have in my life who I can have this kind of vulnerability with. I have a few people in mind but I am scared of saying too much and being rejected or not being able to be there for them. I guess I just need to start and this retreat was a start.
So that was my summer, well some of it. I spent the first part thinking I may finally be pregnant naturally and the rest of it coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't, again. Oh and I have started doing kind things, like writing letters and sending gifts and cards to others going through similar struggles. I like to think I am doing this:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
May you be blessed as you seek to bless others xx
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