Wednesday 2 May 2018

A crushing blow

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This has got to be the hardest post I have had to write. The last post I wrote on this blog was about how, as prospective adopters we were expectant parents. Now, I have to write to tell you all that we are no longer expectant parents. Our adoption agency have told us we cannot go forward with the adoption. It's looking like we will not be adoptive parents and it's highly likely we will not be parents at all. We have both been completely knocked sideways by this and are very upset and quite angry. In this post, I will attempt to explain what has happened in the run up to, during and in the aftermath of this decision. Please bear with me as I try to process this through writing my blog.

The run up - shaken but all is not lost
A month or so ago the half marathon I had been training for for months was cancelled at the last minute due to snow. This was a Sunday. As the roads were supposed to be closed in the morning for the run our church service was happening in the afternoon, like every year. We went to church in the afternoon having had a completely different day to what we had been expecting and had prepared for. Last year Neil got formally diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I have some professional experience in this area and had been helping him out for years with issues he had with coping with different types of change and some social situations. When we started thinking about adoption we thought we'd get an official diagnosis so we could be completely transparent and Neil would not just come across as an angry man. As part of his Asperger's Neil has hypersensitive hearing and is particularly bothered by loud, bassy music - it causes him physical pain. On this particular Sunday Neil found the worship at church particularly uncomfortable and he had to leave the room. Unfortunately, he looked back at me as he left and thought (wrongly) I was upset with him. He came back and took my hand and we left the room quickly and quite roughly to outside eyes. The change of plan in the morning, the hypersensitivity to noise and misunderstanding my emotions all led to Neil getting very upset and needing help from a friend to calm down. The situation was dealt with and we sorted out our differences. The friend who helped him calm down was one of our references for the adoption.
2 weeks ago our social worker met with that friend and his wife to gather a verbal reference. The Sunday after that meeting the friends fed back to us about the meeting. They said the incident had come up in discussion and they had sensitively explained what had happened and what we had been doing since to improve things and make sure that didn't happen again. They said that they had gotten the impression from our social worker that, although we needed to discuss it, it wouldn't necessarily stop us moving forward. 
We were a bit worried but still quite hopeful. We were not cross at all with our friends for telling our social worker about what had happened. We were going to tell him anyway.

The blow is dealt
Last Thursday we were called to a meeting with our social worker and his team manager. During the meeting we each had to separately explain the incident and our perspective on it and then explain what we were doing about it, strategies we were using and how we were ensuring it didn't happen again. They listened and praised us for the strategies we had put in place and were planning on putting in place. They then explained that having a child, particularly an adopted child leaves you subject to several sudden changes every day. They then said that people with Asperger's could not easily adapt to change or had issues doing so. After listing all our positives (which I think all related to me) they just said that we couldn't be adoptive parents with them at this time due to the issues with Asperger's and change. As they had said 'at this time' I asked when we could adopt. They could not give us a timescale and simply kept saying we weren't ready. I told them it wasn't a fair decision and they started raising things that have previously been quoted as positives about us both as reasons why we're not right to be adoptive parents. They didn't even say sorry.
In addition to all this we found out a month or so ago that our landlord is selling our flat and there was a viewing that day about an hour after we left the meeting. We couldn't cancel it so we went from this awful meeting to Costa and hid at the back drowning our sorrows in chocolate!

The immediate aftermath
We were, and are completely devastated and feel like we are being discriminated against. It really feels like another miscarriage. For years we have been fighting and praying for God to fulfil the deepest desires of our hearts (possibly deeper desire for me than Neil). Now this! I am really struggling to reconcile a kind, loving God who only wants good things for me with this current circumstance. On the other hand I'm also leaning into God and relying on his love, peace and comfort to get me through this ordeal. It's a very strange experience having these two feelings side by side.

What now?
We may have a case to raise for discrimination but not yet. If we do make a complaint it will not be to change the decision, that has been made and we cannot change it. It will be to make sure this kind of discrimination does not happen to other people. I do not want others to go through the pain and trauma we are currently going through. We need to deal with our hearts first and foremost and try to heal and come back from this. We will take our time. We are planning on speaking to a social worker from Home for Good (a Christian adoption support charity) to get a second opinion and a bit of support from someone in the know.
Right now we are in survival mode and trying to come to terms with the fact that we are unlikely to become parents. We have both taken a few days off work and are hunkering down and spending as much time hurting together as possible. We have a wonderful support network and are being looked after. People are offering meals, space and support as we deal with this blow.
We are slowly starting to think about the future. We can try naturally but it is far from easy for us for physical and psychological reasons. This is something we need to pray and think about. At this stage I feel like, if we try naturally and conceive then what on earth was the point of this trauma and all the years of trying and IVF trauma?! Maybe we will find a way to be parents but we really need to prepare our hearts and minds for the fact that our outcome of this struggle may well be to live as a childless couple.
I have been re-reading a book called Resurrection Year about a couple who were in a similar situation and made a drastic change and pursued a different dream together. We have been discussing what out own resurrection year would look like. We have both said that if the result of this is that we live a childless life we want to give ourselves a brand new challenge, move away, have an adventure together. I have a few business dreams that we are now looking into more seriously. Maybe it's time to pursue a different dream.


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