Sunday 3 June 2018

A Mother's Heart


We have recently returned from camping with others from our church and churches from across the UK and beyond at the Catalyst festival. It was a valuable few days for both Neil and I but I wouldn't say I enjoyed it. We faced many challenges, not least having to bail water out of our tent in our pyjamas for an hour before we could start our day on the first full day there. We were tested as a couple and as individuals but we came through stronger than we started. For me personally I think God was speaking to me about three things.

My dreams will wait: I need to grieve first.

Since finding out, about a month ago, that we would not be able to adopt and consequently I am likely to never be 'Mummy' I have resurrected another dream I have held nearly as long as the dream to have a child. My dream is to open a cake or chocolate shop or cafe and use it to employ people with a learning disability and teach them to make all sorts of items well and let them use their creativity and learn business skills. Almost immediately after I found out I wouldn't be a Mum I started researching how I can make this dream come to fruition. I am hoping to enrol in a year long college evening course in patisserie and confectionery and am looking into options and locations to start up my business once I have done my course. We both feel like we need a fresh start so we are looking at a complete relocation. At the Catalyst festival I went to a seminar about turning your creative talent into a business. It was delivered by a lady who had started a creative business following a lengthy and traumatic health trial. I got lots of helpful practical tips from the seminar but it also made me realise that I need to straighten out my priorities right now. The lady in the seminar had used her creative gifting and skills to help distract her from her health troubles but she still dealt with them. I realised I was not doing that. I was approaching the whole thing with an attitude of replacement - I can't have a baby so this business will be my baby, I'll start up a cafe instead. God has highlighted to me that this attitude is not healthy. I can still dream, I can still do things like my course to help my dreams come true but I need to grieve as well. Having a business, becoming a professional baker or confectioner will not replace the children I will never have. I need to grieve, heal and recover at the same time as moving towards my new goals. I also think it is healthy to pause the progress of my creative dreams to allow me time to back track and grieve. I can still do the course but I need to make sure I am dealing with what has happened to me as well. This means it may be more than a year before we move away. I have paused my mindset and reset to allow me to grieve and process. That has meant lots of tears and questions already!

I have a God given mother's heart.

As the name of this blog reflects I believe I am made to nurture. Until recently I thought I was made to nurture my own biological or adopted children. I thought I was made to nurture children in my own home and family. Now it looks like I will not meet my own children in this life I am starting to realise that God can and is honouring my mother's heart in other ways. I nurture and mother the students I encounter every day at work and I have a heart to reach out to people with learning disabilities and love to meet their needs. At the Catalyst festival I felt God encouraging me through other people's children. I found myself more than once with little ones seeking me out and coming to me for cuddles and entertainment. I realised that me spending time valuing and loving their children blessed my friends who were the children's parents. I can outwork my mother's heart by loving other people's children. I'm currently praying this through and trying to work out how I can best love my friends by loving their children whilst also looking after my own heart. I have had a recurring picture during worship times of me surrounded by pre-school aged children but knowing that none of them are mine. This is both encouraging and painful. I found when I was running around with, colouring with, having cuddles with and spending time with these little ones who sought me out my heart was both heavy and healing. It encouraged me that there are children (and their parents) who benefit from and are blessed by my love and care even if the adoption agency wont let us continue. However I had to give these children back and say goodbye, I had to go back to a child free tent, come home to a child free flat. This really pulls at my emotions. In reference to my previous post I am also going back in my emotions to process and grieve the potential children we could have had. This meant there was one very messy afternoon at the Catalyst festival where I dissolved in tears while cooking dinner. It was the start of a process that needed to happen but it wasn't comfortable. The evening meeting after that tearful dinner was spent, for a bit, with a lovely little girl in my arms which was lovely and difficult at the same time. Processing emotions around not being able to have my own children while loving on other people's children is both messy and beautiful. I also found it really hard when the children I was spending time with were tired or hurt - they only wanted their parents. It really hurts that I will never be that comforting, fulfilling presence that a child longs for from a parent when they need it most.

I am a child of the living God.

Through everything that has been going on recently I have really been struggling with my identity, I didn't know who I was. I also couldn't sing worship songs that talked about God being good or that he would never let us down. I felt completely defined by the fact that I can't have children and we can't adopt. I could not reconcile our unmet desire to be parents and our failed natural attempts, fertility treatments, IVF and adoption attempt with a good God who doesn't let us down. When I had my messy meltdown while cooking dinner a good, trusted friend who is also an elder in our church was at our tent talking to Neil. He had to pick up the pieces (and stir our dinner to prevent it from burning!) He told me, among other things, that I was a child of the living God and asked me to repeat it. I couldn't repeat it. It was like something was physically stopping those words from coming out of my mouth and stopping the truth of those words from penetrating my heart. All I could think and say was how much of a horrible person I was, I couldn't see the truth and felt like a failure. Then our friend said something that made my thinking start to change. He said that Jesus promised in the Bible that he would never leave us and that he gave good gifts to his children. I heard this but didn't really believe it. He then said that Jesus also promised in the Bible that he would rise from the dead and that as we know that is true we can trust that all the other promises in the Bible are true. That was when my thinking changed. I know Jesus kept his promise to rise from the dead so I know he will keep the other promises too. I may never understand why all this has happened this side of heaven but I know Jesus will never leave me and that he is good and will not let me down. I can't really remember much more of the conversation but by the end of it I was tentitavly able to say 'I am a child of the living God'. This truth was repeated in the evening worship and I was able to receive it, I even wrote it in my journal in big bubble writing! This morning, at church we sang a song that talked about God being good and that he will never let us down. I was able to sing it this morning.
I spent some time serving on the team working with adults with learning disabilities at the festival. There was a moment where I made a connection with a young lady who was questioning her future and whether God really loved and valued her. I made eye contact with her while singing and signing 'the Father Himself loves you' and I knew she knew that God valued her and loved her for who she is. In that moment I knew that to be true for me too. God uses broken people to serve broken people.

I am slowly healing from the trauma of trying and not suceeding to have children but have slowed down my moving on to ensure I grieve and recover fully. I have readjusted my thinking to view myself as a mother. I have realigned my emotions and feelings to allow myself to love other people's children. I am starting to plan how I can practically love our friends' children whilst also healing my own heart. That's what I got from this year's Catalyst festival.

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