Last night our dear friend had a baby boy so they are now a three child family. I am extremely happy for them and genuinely look forward to meeting the little fellow. At the same time I dread it! I have been writing this post in my head for weeks. I was very aware that writing a blog post would be the best way to deal with the depth of feeling this news brings given the journey I am on. I have been dealing with feelings of jealousy and bitterness throughout her pregnancy but now she has had the baby I don't really know what to feel. I have been in London on training all day so have not really had time to process all my feelings. Is funny how it's possible to feel joy for someone else at the same time as feeling like you're drowning in your own pain. We are nearing our deadline for IVF decision making so I think my longing for a baby is all the more raw just now. I pray that when I do meet the baby I will be able to park my pain and show how happy I am for them. It's just an all to real reminder of the major unfulfilled desire of my heart! I'm angry at God if I'm honest. I don't understand why some people have many children and we so ache for just one. I am not begrudging those people those children and I know that many people including the couple in question here go through so much pain and heartache in their journey to parenthood. But they are getting pregnant, they get to feel baby move inside them, they get to be Mummy, and Daddy. Is it too much to ask for us to have the same? When will it be our turn?
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