Disclaimer: This post covers loss and grief. I am very honest about my experiences with loss and resulting depression. If you are grieving you may find it hard to read but please press on, there is hope at the end. I know it may also be hard to read if you know me personally, I am very honest. If you prefer not to read the hard stuff please miss out the second paragraph (not including this disclaimer).
As I write it is the 25th of September 2016. So far this year has been marked by so much grief, sadness and loss for so many. It seems like every week I have learnt of another family who have been plunged into the depths of grief after losing a dear loved one. At times it has felt like I have heard of a new loss every day. There have been so many cherished people lost this year. People in the public eye, parents, spouses, children, grandchildren of people close to us and dearly loved unborn babies of friends, even our own dearly loved and much longed for unborn babies on two occasions.
In all this loss there have been some very dark times. The world has seemed like a very dark, unforgiving place for much of this year. I feel like I have been sad for most of the year. When we had our second early pregnancy loss I fell into depression for some weeks and am only now starting to come out of it. I couldn't control what was happening to me, what was happening to my babies and I took it out on the people around me and on myself. I couldn't understand why so much death and sadness was happening to so many people. I still had faith in God at the time and still believed Jesus was on his throne but I couldn't understand all the sadness. I sank so low that I harmed myself in an effort to control some of the emotion I was experiencing. Thankfully I recognized the depths of pain and that I wasn't coping and got help quickly meaning I was only in the absolute depths for a few weeks. I am learning to love myself again and indulge in self care instead of self harm. I am coming out of the depths and moving forward.
I have been able to move forward and cope with new losses and grief because I have rediscovered the hope I have always had. I have hope in a God who endured the devastating loss of, and separation from his only Son so that we can be reconciled with him. I have hope in a God who loves me and forgives me time and time again. I have hope in King Jesus who reigns over this world every day and in all circumstances. I have hope that the people who have passed away this year who also knew Jesus are in heaven with Him living a life free from suffering. I have hope that our babies are in heaven being cared for by their heavenly father. I have hope that I will see my babies again. I have hope that we will be parents in this life because God has told us we will. I have hope that I can control my own identity because I am a beloved daughter of God.
I expect more grief and loss will happen this year but I am not going to let it consume me. I am not going to let myself get so low again because I have hope in a good God. I know that Jesus is on his throne and that he reigns over all things, even grief and loss.
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