I've wanted to write this post for a really long time. Infertility and baby loss is a secret pain, a private tragedy. People on the outside looking in cannot see the depths of grief, the rivers of tears into your heart. They only see a childless couple remaining childless through the years or a child(ren) growing older without a sibling coming along. They don't see the months of trying unsuccessfully. They don't see the failed ivf attempts, the financial struggles, the difficult decisions, the marital struggle, the miscarriages. They only see what we haven't got. They don't see what we long for so desperately. They don't see what we've lost.
But that doesn't seem to stop some people passing comment. "You've been married 6 years? Didn't want children then?" "Better get trying, you're not getting any younger you know!" "You're so lucky you don't have kids, you can go on holiday whenever you want!" "You can have my kids, they drive me crazy!" "Oh you had a miscarriage? Well at least you know you can get pregnant." "Only the one child? When are you going to have another one then?" "Don't you think your son/daughter would want a little brother/sister to play with?" "Trying to get pregnant? Just relax! You're trying too hard! If you relax I'm certain it'll happen for you. It happened that way for my husband's cousin's sister's best friend's dog sitter's wife!"
These comments and more besides seem to come to us all on this journey, usually when you're feeling at your lowest. They often come from complete strangers or loose acquaintances at best. This means you have to bite your tongue and give a polite, acceptable response. So you smile and say something like "Oh no we don't have kids yet, hopefully one day". Or you laugh off their suggestion that you have their kids with a giggled "I'm sure you love them really!" Society forces those of us walking this painful road to live a double life. People who see fit to pass comment on our lives when it's really none of their business never get to hear what we really want to say in response. But what if they did?
"You've been married 6 years? Didn't want children then?" "Yes we want children! We've wanted children like forever! We have five babies in heaven now and have been to hell and back in the process. We would both give absolutely anything to hold our children in our arms. Just because we don't have children doesn't mean we don't want them. I see your husband is bald, he didn't want hair then?!" Better get trying, you're not getting any younger you know!" "We have been trying our socks off for bleeping years! We have tried more ways of getting pregnant than you've had hot dinners. Our tree of paper baubles in memory of the five babies we've lost to date testifies to our years of trying, not that it's any of your business! And yes I know I'm not getting any younger! My decreasing ovarian reserve reminds me of that at every test. And for your information each birthday that passes during this infertility journey reminds me all the more that I'm not getting any younger! Each time I see a pregnant lady or a mum with a baby a little voice inside reminds me I'm not getting any younger." "You're so lucky you don't have kids, you can go on holiday whenever you want!" "Lucky?! You call having to inject countless meds, battle horrible side effects, insert vaginal pessaries, have your heart crushed by negative pregnancy tests, ending up in hospital on a drip lucky?! You call being told our baby had died lucky? Seeing a positive pregnancy test slowly turn negative and knowing that your third pregnancy has gone and taken a bit of your heart with it is lucky is it? And actually we can't go on holiday whenever we want. We have to pay for treatments and tests, we have to precisely time intercourse for optimum fertility and have to think about menstrual cycles if we want to go away. And even if that wasn't true do you really think we'd rather go on holiday than have children?" "You can have my kids, they drive me crazy!" "You need to be careful when you say this. If you catch me in the right mood I may just take your kids and I'm sure you don't really want to give your kids away. But really I don't want your kids, I want mine, but they're in heaven! Know your audience, taking your kids for granted in front of someone who faces a daily ache for a child is not wise!" "Oh you had a miscarriage? Well at least you know you can get pregnant." "Yes I do know I can get pregnant! Knowing that is not going to bring my baby back though is it?! What good is knowing I can get pregnant really?" "Only the one child? When are you going to have another one then? Don't you think you're son/daughter would want a little brother/sister to play with?" "Yes I only have one child and I don't know when I'm going to have another. If I had it my way we'd have another by now but that's not happening not that that's got anything to do with you. And it breaks my heart that I can't give my child a sibling to play with. (Author note: as these comments relate to secondary infertility which I do not have experience of I have imagined the responses. I have used some of what I've heard from others who do have that experience. Apologies if it's not accurate.) "Trying to get pregnant? Just relax" "Relax! Yeah because relaxing is really going to make my chromosomes suddenly sort themselves out and reduce our risk of miscarriage. Relaxing is going to bring back all my lost babies is it? And I'm really happy for your husband's cousin's sister's best friend's dog sitter's wife. I'm happy just relaxing worked for her. BUT IT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME!!!!!"
For me personally I am going through this journey as a Christian and have grace from God to deal with these situations. That doesn't mean I don't have those thoughts though. And I often use God as a sounding board for my frustrations. When faced with these situations I try (not always sucesfully) to pray for the person passing comment and to be gracious in my response. That said I often wonder whether they would pass such comments if they actually knew. If only you knew...
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