Nothing is ever simple is it?! This week stated with worry as I had 2 episodes of bleeding, one on Sunday, one on Monday. This meant I had to have 2 blood tests to check my hormone levels are rising enough. I have the second one today. I'll find out the results tomorrow. However I'm pretty sure I'm still pregnant. I had been having a bit of nausea and had thrown up once. Monday afternoon I started to feel really sick but also had diarrhoea so wondered if it was just a bug. I then started bleeding again and the nausea stopped. Then I stopped bleeding and threw up shortly after! Yesterday nausea hit me like a bus! I still feel so very sick. My diet is now plain toast, plain rice and ginger biscuits! I'm going to have an interesting Christmas dinner! I now only feel sick so maybe it is pregnancy related and not a bug. I've not actually thrown up since Monday but I've barely eaten anything. I talked to a midwife at my clinic yesterday just to check. She said it sounds like it is pregnancy related but maybe I picked up a bug too. She said as I have experienced nausea with all artificial hormones I've taken in this process this is a good sign that hormone levels are increasing in my body. I am of course still taking hormones 7 times a day but the fact that the nausea is getting worse is maybe a sign my body is starting to take over. How strange to talk about feeling awful as a good sign!
There's an additional issue for me with morning sickness affecting me so badly. As long as I can remember I have suffered from emetiphobia (fear of vomiting). This has been debilitating for me. I've never felt I can articulate it so as a child I just cried every time I felt sick or someone around me was sick. As I got older I got angry and would scream and shout. As an adult it induced panic attacks, which would make me feel sick, a viscous cycle. In all honesty this phobia made me reluctant to get pregnant in case I got morning sickness. Thankfully, about a year and a half ago, at a freedom in Christ away day, I confessed to my phobia and God began the process of freeing me from this phobia. In God's wonderful timing I'm now able to be sick without, most of the time, having a panic attack. However he's not done setting me free yet. Feeling sick and like I will be sick is accompanied with a constant anxiety. I feel out of control and like I can't cope with anything when I feel like that. Also the problem with it being pregnancy related is seeing the end. I now have to pray every day that God will complete his work of freeing me from this debilitating phobia. I am praying for some perspective and some hope. Being sick is never going to be an enjoyable experience but if I can get through this without the constant companion of fear and dread that would be lovely! I was praying that I would escape morning sickness but I realised that was a prayer from a place of fear. As silly as it sounds in actually grateful to be feeling like this. After the bleeding is reassurance that I'm still pregnant. I now need to pray that I can cope with the sickness and maybe get some respite occasionally. If you believe in the power of prayer would you please join me?
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