Transition

We've been trying for a baby for 4 years. 2014 was taken up with unsuccessful fertility treatments. This year has been spent on the IVF rollercoaster. October saw our first attempt at transferring one of our embryos into my womb. That attempt failed. In November, after the clinic changing their minds daily for a week, we tried again.

At the beginning of December, this week, we discover that the second embryo decided to implant. I got my first ever positive pregnancy test (then another 2!). It's very early days but it would appear I am pregnant! I have a scan in a few weeks where we should see a heartbeat. I don't think I'll be able to believe this is real till then.

Now for the honesty. With everything we've been through to get to this point I can't help but feel guilty for being happy about being pregnant. I also feel bad for those who have had several failed cycles. I'm finding it hard to know where my identity lies now. As a Christian I know in my heart that my identity lies in being a daughter of God. However, lately I have felt my strongest identity has been as an infertile woman. Now I'm pregnant. So what is my identity now? I feel a bit like some people think all our problems have disappeared because we've had a positive pregnancy test. We are still grieving for our lost embryos (we've lost 3 one way or another). Infertility still has a huge mark on our lives. We have some counseling and an infertility retreat lined up and I feel bad for still needing those things. But we really do. I still have so many questions regarding why we've had to go through this. I'm hoping we can be an inspiration to other struggling couples. We still need support despite the fact it seems to have worked. In addition, with IVF there are a few things that can happen which can cause a positive without an actual pregnancy. So until we've seen a heartbeat we are not off the IVF rollercoaster. An IVF pregnancy in the early days is fraught with worry. As is any pregnancy I guess. Having said that, throughout this journey I've always wanted to be pregnant at Christmas, now I will be. I'm now in a state of transition from infertile to newly pregnant.

I'm finding the transition is just as hard, if not harder than the journeying.