My Motherhood Challenge

Recently social media has been full of posts celebrating motherhood. People are nominated to post photos (sometimes 3, sometimes 5) that some up for them what it means to be a mother. As an infertility blogger and a recent miscarriage survivor I've decided to write a post in response to what is known as the Motherhood Challenge.

Firstly, let me explain my feelings when I see these posts. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people celebrate the gift of motherhood and I enjoy seeing pictures of other people's kids. For whatever reason this gift is being withheld from me for the time being but that doesn't mean I can't be happy that others get to revel in that gift. However, unsurprisingly these posts cause me pain. I was pregnant after four years of infertility, I thought I'd finally get the gift of motherhood. Now that's been taken away from me. When I see others celebrating being Mum I can't help but feel jealous and sad that I'm excluded from that joy for now. These posts also make me think of those who are mothers but who struggle to find anything to celebrate in their motherhood. Those whose children do not live with them, those with children with challenging special needs, those who have lost children, or mothers. I know my pain is vastly different but I feel a kind of kinship with these women.

My Motherhood Challenge is very real. For me the challenge is becoming a mother in the first place. My challenge involves difficult ethical decisions, uncomfortable procedures, needles, hospitalisation, artificial hormones, pessaries, suppositories, mood swings, ovulation tests, negative cycles, many internal scans, monthly grief and so many complicated emotions. As a carer for adults with learning disabilities my daily work is very maternal. So for me my Motherhood Challenge also involves longing to do the things I do for my clients for my own children.

As the Motherhood Challenge is about photos I've taken 5 images that represent my Motherhood Challenge. The first is a tree from which hangs 4 paper stars we made. Each one represents an embryo we've lost, through abnormal genetics, negative cycle or miscarriage. The second is a glass I painted, the big star is for the miscarriage and there are 7 more signifying all 8 of our embryos. The 3rd is just a tiny proportion of the paperwork we've had to wade through. The 4th is the helium balloon we let fly off in memory of our lost baby. The final image is taken from the website of the charity I used to work for. It represents the maternal aspect of my job.

One day, God willing I'll be able to do this kind of thing for real but for now this is my Motherhood Challenge.