I hate what infertility and miscarriage does to me. I hate that it makes me feel like a horrible person. I was on the tea and coffee rota at church this morning so had to be in a particular place. While I was stood at the back of the hall serving a new Mum came and sat down next to where I was standing and feed her brand new baby. Obviously then people started coming and talking to her and cooing over the little girl. I couldn't help but hear what people were saying and see how people gravitated towards them with a smile. I managed a quick glance and a smile but couldn't bring myself to say anything. My heart was breaking. I so want it to be me people are congratulating. I managed 5 minutes of forcing myself to smile through the tears and serve the tea and coffee. Eventually though it was too much. I said I needed to go to the bathroom and ran off. Once safely locked in a cubicle I burst into tears and had a good cry. This ordeal has the potential to turn me into a horrid bitter women. I'm trying really hard not to go down that road. I'm trying to let God use me in my weakness and brokenness but sometimes it's just too much. Of course right now I have a painful physical reminder that I'm no longer pregnant which doesn't help. I feel like I have failed this morning. I feel like as our miscarriage was weeks ago I should be strong enough to deal with new babies by now. Please note the I feels. I do not think these things. I wish my ache for a baby want so raw it interrupts my daily living. But it is and I just have to get on with it I guess!
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