The wrong sort of happy news

People keep telling me how great it is that we are going ahead with IVF, that we've made a decision, that we get three cycles. They keep saying how relieved and excited we must feel with our 'happy news'. However when it comes down to it I don't feel those things. Most of the time I just feel scared. And then I feel guilty for not being as happy as people seem to think I should be. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not regretting the decision. I'm still certain IVF is God's plan for us at this time. I still have peace about the decision we made. I'm very grateful to God that the appointment went so well and that we get three cycles. But I can't make myself feel happy about the fact that my journey to being pregnant is going to involve daily hormone injections, a general anaesthetic and an agonising 2 week wait for a positive pregnancy test. Possibly times three. At the end of the day it's the wrong type of 'happy news'. All through this whole struggle I have imagined myself telling my friends and family that I am pregnant and that that pregnancy has gone far enough for us to know it will result in a baby. So although impending IVF is an exciting and hope filled step towards this news it is not the happy news I want to be giving. And although I do now have tangible hope I still don't know for sure that I will ever be able to give that happy news.
I pray that my words here do not cause offence. I am very grateful for all the support I have received from friends and family. I write this blog as a way of processing my thoughts.