Overwhelmed

I should have been 12 weeks pregnant today. We should have been spreading the news far and wide. I may have even been starting to show. Instead I'm back to trying to stop myself turning into a bitter, jealous woman each time I see my friends, or even strangers, interacting with their kids. This is really hard and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I'm really struggling with my moods. One minute I'm laughing and joking with friends the next I'm yelling at Neil for yawning! And after moaning when I first miscarried that I wasn't crying I'm now finding it hard to stop the tears.
Yesterday I went to a friend's hen do for the afternoon then played board games with hubby and others at our churches board game evening. I had a lovely time and I really enjoyed myself. But at the same time I found it really hard. I felt like I had to wear a mask. It was like I was laughing on the outside yet crying on the inside. The grief was trying to show though. I found my speech was really effortful and felt like my lips and tongue were moving much more slowly than they should. I found myself making several silly mistakes and taking ages to remember words or get the right word out.
In addition to the grief of the miscarriage a friend lost a very long battle with cancer a few days ago. Everything together has left me feeling unbelievably overwhelmed. I've also worked over 60 hours in 8 days with many many dramas to contend with. So I'm exhausted in every sense of the word.
At church this morning there were a couple of testimonies of amazing healings. I found it really hard to listen to them. I believe God can heal and it's great when he does that for others. But we prayed for 4 years for a baby. God performed healing miracles in my body in preparation for pregnancy. Then my first ever pregnancy ends in miscarriage. Many people prayed for years for my friend and yet she never received her ultimate healing. I love God but I have many questions just now.