Today I started my monthly cycle. I was due on Friday making it 6 days late. Before I started fertility treatment I was far from regular and this would have been nothing unusual. For the past year however, since being on ovulation meds (clomid) and the 4 cycles since I stopped the meds I've been exactly 28 days (with only one blip of a 40 day cycle). You get very used to counting days on this journey! Because I was quite late considering my recent pattern, last night I took a pregnancy test. It was negative and I was surprised to find I was incredibly relieved! I've taken a fair few pregnancy tests in my time and normally I'm crushed when it's negative, but not this time. I've been reflecting on my feelings all day and have realised that, now we're approved for IVF, natural conception holds even more fear for me. Due to my genetic balanced translocation the chances of a natural conception ending in miscarriage or serious foetal abnormalities are much higher than average. Therefore if I was pregnant, and were came off the list for IVF, and then the pregnancy ended we'd have to go through everything again to get back on the list. If that's what we decided to do. All of this has made me realise that IVF may just be God's way of taking the fear of miscarriage out of my pregnancy. I have lived with the knowledge of my BT for most of my life and have always been scared of miscarrying. Naturally that fear has intensified during this journey. IVF is a way of managing the risk and reducing the fear. I still might miscarry but with the genetic risk removed my chances are similar to others. I can cope with that! Thank you God for IVF!
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