I wasn't expecting that!

The pain of this miscarriage keeps surprising me. I've just spent a lovely afternoon round at a friend's house. We had a lovely chat and I had some lovely times with her kids. Such a good distraction and a lovely change from these four walls. So I was really taken by surprise when I found myself walking home beset by uncontrollable sobs. I worked out the most painful thing for me at the moment is seeing parent child interaction. My heart aches for that, even when that interaction is getting cross and annoyed with your kids. When I got pregnant I thought I'd finally get that interaction for myself. Well that pregnancy ended in miscarriage so now we're back at square one. I don't know if we'll ever get to be parents, I believe we will but I don't know it for sure. The one real chance we had has been ripped away from us. I visit this friend loads and have done all through our battle with infertility. In fact she and her husband have been the only people I could face setting interacting with their kids at particularly difficult times for us. I guess that's why I was surprised by how upset I got today. I'm not going to stop seeing this friend as it's good for me. I guess I'm going to have to get used to getting upset at unexpected times. I found it really hard today to come home to an empty house. I'm glad I went today but it's made me realise how cruel this situation is. For four years I've been walking round with a massive unmet desire to be a mother. At the end of last year, after a traumatic year had tossed that desire around, I thought that desire was finally going to be met. I started to feel pregnancy symptoms and made plans. Now I'm suddenly not pregnant again and don't know when or if I ever will be again. The last time I was at this friend's house I was still pregnant. As it happens baby was already dead but I didn't know that and was battling that day with morning sickness, probably due to the hormones I was taking. It struck me today that now I'm back to being the not pregnant friend of Mummy. This is rubbish!