Yesterday we went to an amazing day of talks, worship and ministry for couples going through infertility. I thought I'd write a post outlining some of what I learnt and took away from the day.
We are not alone
It was a powerful and also slightly uncomfortable experience sitting in a room full of strangers when you know something highly intimate about each of them just by their presence there. Listening to couples share different experiences of this wilderness journey was liberating in a way. I think I have quite a good support network among my friends and family but there is a unique support that can come from people who are there or have just been there. Infertility and miscarriage is such a raw, painful experience it was nice to not have to explain why I'm struggling.
Only God knows when life begins
One of the sessions dealt with some of the ethical considerations faced by people going through infertility, particularly related to IVF. One of the main questions addressed was when life begins. This was one of the main issues we wrestled with when deciding whether to do IVF. Particularly as we weren't able to only fertilise a small amount of embryos due to needing the PGD genetic testing. The answer given to this question in the session was that only God knows when life begins. We need to make our own decision and be able to live with that decision. Then God will honour us in that decision even if we're wrong. Given that we still have 2 embryos frozen that have inconclusive genetic results this was refreshing to hear. There is no right answer. We need to decide what to do with them and be able to live with that decision. Then God will honour that decision.
Jesus is bigger
This was a line in one of the worship songs we sang. I know that Jesus is bigger than this miscarriage but I didn't believe it till yesterday. Jesus is bigger and hence with his help we will get through this horrid experience. I also realised that Jesus is bigger than fear. We did IVF with PGD to negate my high risk of miscarriage due to my genetic issue. Now our first ever pregnancy has ended in miscarriage. I definitely had a huge fear of miscarriage. Now I'm in it that fear feels justified. But Jesus is bigger than my fear and he will carry us through. I'm also finding I'm reverting back to fears and phobias I lived with for a large part of my life. Particularly my phobia of being sick and the related fear of eating, particularly in public places. It made eating in the hotel on Friday and conference centre yesterday a bit of a challenge. I think it's a coping mechanism. I've not really cried for my baby yet. It's like my brain is saying 'let's be scared, we know how to be scared and anxious. We don't know how to feel this grief.' Yesterday, in the midst of my food anxieties I realised Jesus was bigger than my fear. It didn't mean I could eat without anxiety but it did mean I could trust that God was big enough to carry me through the fear.
Even when we're annoyed and angry with God we love him anyway
This was a big thing for me. I am angry at God, really angry. This baby was the result of 4 years trying and came at the end of a traumatic year battling through IVF. This was our God given baby. Now he's taken that baby away. How can that be anything but cruel? I can't, at the moment reconcile that cruel act with a loving God. I'm sure I will but not yet. But the message yesterday was that even when we're feeling furious with God we still love him. Because that's how relationship works. It made me realise that I do still love God, even though I'm angry with him. I hadn't realised both things could be true at the same time.
Infertility struggles can go on for decades and it's really, really rubbish. But that's OK!
This was my main take home message from the day. I hope it doesn't go on for decades for us, and due to our age it probably won't, but it might. We might have a child, we might not. It's OK to be a mess, to find it hard, to struggle. It's OK to not know how to cope. We will find a way through this, with or without a child but it's OK to struggle through it. We need to make sure we live life during the struggle. For me I'm going to train for a 10k race once I'm recovered from the miscarriage. It's my way of having a different focus for a few months and get healthy in the process. Then we'll be good to go into battle in the second half of the year with another try at frozen embryo transfer. And if I have difficult, rubbish days along the way, even during recovery, that's OK.
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