Numb

Have been trying to write this post in my head all day. Don't really know what to say. We had a follow up scan this morning after no foetal heartbeat was found last week. The scan confirmed the baby died at 6 weeks gestation, so 2.5 weeks ago. As I've not passed baby yet it's classed as a missed miscarriage. I have to go to my GP tomorrow to start the discussion about what to do next. Basically I either wait for it to happen naturally (which can take 6 weeks), take medication to induce passing baby or have surgery. At the moment I'm leaning towards surgery but we'll see. We're going to a Christian infertility retreat day on Saturday which includes a session on dealing with miscarriage. Turns out the timing is perfect.

As for how I feel the only word I can find is numb. Even though I think I knew, because I'm still technically pregnant (and feel it) I can't believe it's over. This baby has been 4 years in the making, I'm not ready for it to be over yet. You'd have thought I would have been in tears all day but I haven't shed a single tear. I don't really feel anything at all. I always take days, sometimes weeks to start to feel the emotions of difficult experiences. I feel like there's something wrong with me at the time, like I'm a robot. I want to deal with the weight of emotion linked with this sooner rather than later and an praying that God will let me cry and start the grieving process now. I guess it's a coping mechanism but I want to feel this now, not have it hit me weeks later. This happened with the negative cycle we had in October and was uncomfortable. I know there's going to be a lot of emotion to deal with here so I want to deal with it gradually. I think the retreat day will help me with this.