I'm currently reading Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake. It expounds the story of Hannah from the bible and uses it as a basis for a bible study around the subject of infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss. Hannah's story runs parallel to the authors own experiences and she picks out perspectives for different people involved in a couples journey through infertility. Last night I read the chapter that talks about how friends and family can support a couple. It stated out from a perspective of how I, as an infertile woman can be affected by things people say or do that don't mean to hurt or offend but do. It also talked about how to deal with the times that people deliberately flaunt their fertility in your face. This was in reference to Hannah's treatment from her husband's other, very fertile wife, Penninah. It basically said that you don't know what secret hurts the other person is carrying or the reasons behind their behaviour.
At the end of each chapter is a section aimed specifically at people supporting couples through this journey. This chapter ended with some direct advice for friends and family about what to do or say and what not to do or say. Reading it I found I agreed with almost every word and it was exactly what I want to say to my amazing support network. I couldn't put it any better myself, so I won't! I'm going to quote most of the last section. I'll leave out the bits that are not relevant to our situation. If you're reading this and you know us please remember these aren't my words but they are what I want to say to all you lovely people! If you don't know me hopefully you can use it as advice to support a friend or to pass onto friends if you're a fellow traveler on the infertility journey.
"Communication is imperative. You can have all the general guidelines in the world, but you can best minister to me by getting to know my heart and learning my triggers for rejoicing or heartache. When in doubt, ask me directly.
In some ways you are in a " no-win " situation. If you ignore me when it is time to send out baby shower invitations or birth announcements, it may make me feel all the more removed from normality. Yet if you do include me and I'm having an especially hard day, I may feel you have been insensitive. One idea might be to send me the same baby shower announcement that you are sending to all of our friends, but inside include a handwritten note acknowledging that you know this might bring me pain. Let me know that I am free to come or not, as I so desire, but that you love me and are praying for me.
Miriam wisely relates,
My grief has made me vulnerable, thus sometimes I misunderstand what you say to me or take your words the wrong way. Please be patient with me. I do not want you to feel like you can't say anything to me or share from your heart, for I desire for you to talk to me and be my friend now more than ever! Please do not always wait for me to take initiative to get together and talk. I need you to be the one reaching out to me. It reassures me that you haven't stopped caring about me and still desire to be with me even when it's tough. And please, don't just assume things about me during this time of mourning. Ask me and let me share with you what I'm learning.
If my miscarriage was "early", don't think my baby was any less a person, any less my child, any less significant, then if he died later in life.
I know that somehow God can work even this for His good purpose, but right now I need you to validate my grief.
Above all, please keep me in your ongoing prayers. And every now and then, call me on the phone or drop a note in the mail just to remind me that you are praying.
(Please visit www.hannah.org/resources/friends.htm for additional resources.)"
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